Don’t Become a Cocky Banana
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admin
Posted March 10th, 2010 at 10:35 pm
Don’t Become a Cocky Banana
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the same creepy blue light that bathed the girls last night and made them look like ghouls, but it’s the boys tonight, and Aaron Kelly is even tinier than Ryan. Who warns us that the guys are “ready to deliver” because this is, of course, American Idol.
Ryan asks Kara and Simon why they’re sitting so close, and Kara says that Simon is leaning against her because he misses his fiancée. Ryan asks if Kara is Simon’s “binky...
You Kind of Sucked
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admin
Posted March 9th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
You Kind of Sucked
by Mordant Monkey
The girls are back, all eight of them. “Eight girls. One dream,” Ryan reminds us. “Tonight they fight to make it into the top twelve. This is ladies’ night, and this is American Idol!”
We’ll be losing two more ladies and two more men this week, and that will reveal our Top 12. And after that, I think, we lose one contestant per week.
I don’t know what the hell is going on—it’s a bit early for April Fools—but Ellen is sitting on...
Misunderestimations and Regurgitations
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admin
Posted March 4th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Misunderestimations and Regurgitations
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the girls’ night, even though that was supposed to be last night, but it was postponed because Crystal Bowersox was in the hospital. “It is ON,” announced Ryan, apropos of nothing, really.
Yep, there’s Crystal, last in the girls’ line. Ryan grills her, and she’s feeling fine. You know, she looks a lot like Julia Stiles at some angles. So, excellent. Let’s hope the girls don’t suck as badly as the guys did l...
The Only Time You Should Be Nervous Is If You’re Useless
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admin
Posted March 2nd, 2010 at 11:16 pm
The Only Time You Should Be Nervous Is If You’re Useless
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the guys tonight, which contradicts what the information on my television says, which is that the top ten females perform. But whatever.
Ah, Ryan explains that the women were slated to perform tonight, but Crystal became ill and went to the hospital this morning and was ordered by a doctor to not perform tonight. So … she’ll be all better tomorrow night? What the hell?
Ryan slaps the last guy on ...
It Was Verging on Stupid What You Did
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admin
Posted February 25th, 2010 at 12:33 am
It Was Verging on Stupid What You Did.
by Mordant Monkey
Here we are, separating the men from the boys, Ryan tells us. “This … is American … Simon, stop talking!” Well, that was one of the weirder ways we’ve started this show.
Two of the guys are wearing purple (!!), two have a hideous scarf around their neck. There’s an overlap between those that makes it that much worse. Ellen rocks, Randy is wearing a Bill Cosby sweater, I can’t even describe what Kara is wearing—shou...
This Isn’t Going Particularly Well for You, Is It?
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admin
Posted February 24th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
This Isn’t Going Particularly Well for You, Is It?
by Mordant Monkey
Hallelujah. We’re finally—finally!—going to hear some actual singing and see some actual performances. I was starting to wonder if I was trapped in some sort of audition limbo for the past month and a half.
There’s Ryan on the stage, and he walks through the lines of women on one side and men on the other. Most of them are trying to not giggle as Ryan announces that this is, indeed, “American Idol.” Well,...
If I Were Bikini Girl, I’d Kiss You Right Now
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admin
Posted February 18th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
If I Were Bikini Girl, I’d Kiss You Right Now
by Mordant Monkey
So while Tuesday’s two-hour extravaganza revealed only 7 of the top 24, the one-hour show Wednesday will name the remaining 17. I’ll never understand this show.
We’re in the waiting room, and the contestants look tired, depressed, psychotic, and suicidal. “It’s complete and total agony,” one of them whispers to us.
Janell Wheeler is up first. Simon tells her he couldn’t remember her. Oh come on. I mean,...
