Don’t Become a Cocky Banana
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admin
Posted March 10th, 2010 at 10:35 pm
Don’t Become a Cocky Banana
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the same creepy blue light that bathed the girls last night and made them look like ghouls, but it’s the boys tonight, and Aaron Kelly is even tinier than Ryan. Who warns us that the guys are “ready to deliver” because this is, of course, American Idol.
Ryan asks Kara and Simon why they’re sitting so close, and Kara says that Simon is leaning against her because he misses his fiancée. Ryan asks if Kara is Simon’s “binky...
You Kind of Sucked
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admin
Posted March 9th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
You Kind of Sucked
by Mordant Monkey
The girls are back, all eight of them. “Eight girls. One dream,” Ryan reminds us. “Tonight they fight to make it into the top twelve. This is ladies’ night, and this is American Idol!”
We’ll be losing two more ladies and two more men this week, and that will reveal our Top 12. And after that, I think, we lose one contestant per week.
I don’t know what the hell is going on—it’s a bit early for April Fools—but Ellen is sitting on...
Tonight Wasn’t Exactly a Good Night
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admin
Posted March 5th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Tonight Wasn’t Exactly a Good Night
by Mordant Monkey
After overly dramatic scenes of the past two nights and the Voice of Simon warning us of impending doom, we hear: “Drama. Is about to unfold on this stage. Ready?” Ryan asks. Drama, yes. Danny Gokey, no. No thank you.
Ryan looks like a three-year-old dressed him, and Kara has way too many silver clothes on. Simon thinks he was wrong about his initial compliments to certain contestants—he said when he played parts of the show ...
Who Knew He Was Hanging Out In All These Theme Parks?
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admin
Posted March 5th, 2010 at 8:57 am
Who Knew He Was Hanging Out In All These Theme Parks?
by Paulette Frank
“What four will be leaving us tonight?” Ryan wonders. As do I. I so hope Haeley and Didi aren’t going anywhere. And Andrew Garcia. I still think he’s great. Ryan tells us thank you for our over 27 million votes. You’re welcome, Ryan. He says hello to Randy, Ellen, Kara, and Simon (who gets the loudest audience response, although it’s half boos) and then asks Simon about how he said he got something w...
I’ve Got To Have A Mohawk Before I’m 30
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admin
Posted March 4th, 2010 at 7:16 pm
I’ve Got To Have A Mohawk Before I’m 30
by Paulette Frank
Thank God Crystal made it. How mad would the guys have been if they’d all had their mani-pedis interrupted yesterday for nothing? I’m wondering whether they’re even going to mention her illness--I know full well they’re not going to be so cool as to actually tell us what really happened. But Ryan brings it up right off the bat after the girls do their run past the camera making retard faces, pulling Crystal to center ...
Misunderestimations and Regurgitations
by
admin
Posted March 4th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Misunderestimations and Regurgitations
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the girls’ night, even though that was supposed to be last night, but it was postponed because Crystal Bowersox was in the hospital. “It is ON,” announced Ryan, apropos of nothing, really.
Yep, there’s Crystal, last in the girls’ line. Ryan grills her, and she’s feeling fine. You know, she looks a lot like Julia Stiles at some angles. So, excellent. Let’s hope the girls don’t suck as badly as the guys did l...
The Only Time You Should Be Nervous Is If You’re Useless
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admin
Posted March 2nd, 2010 at 11:16 pm
The Only Time You Should Be Nervous Is If You’re Useless
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the guys tonight, which contradicts what the information on my television says, which is that the top ten females perform. But whatever.
Ah, Ryan explains that the women were slated to perform tonight, but Crystal became ill and went to the hospital this morning and was ordered by a doctor to not perform tonight. So … she’ll be all better tomorrow night? What the hell?
Ryan slaps the last guy on ...
