You Have No Idea

You Have No Idea

by Mordant Monkey

Put up or shut up: It’s the last chance for each contestant to wow the judges in Hollywood. I see that we’re meant to find out who some of the top 24 are as well, so that might explain part of why this show tonight is two whole hours.

“Decisions will be made. Devastating news will be delivered. And dreams will finally be realized,” Ryan intones. Decisions! Devastation! Dreams! And drama, drama, drama! Shots of the different rooms that they corral the contestants into. People crying.

“You’re in the top twenty-four,” Simon tells someone. And then Todrick asking, “That’s it?” “That’s it,” confirms Simon. I guess they’re not doing the dual-chair thing this season? It looks like they’re doing more of a “So You Think You Can Dance” approach where they confront the contestants one by one. We’ll know more in a bit, I suppose.

Shots of the participants who auditioned who made it to Hollywood. Ryan invites us to imagine what it was like for them to go on this incredible journey. Jeeze, they get up before 7 a.m.? That’s nuts. They’re practicing their final songs, while the judges move pictures around on their table.

Okay, now from the main holding room, the final 71 contestants are put into three rooms. So … they’ve already sang their finals songs and we didn’t get to hear any of them? Oh, come ON!

Well, there’s Angela Martin singing while wearing a tragic animal print top that shows off her ugly tattoos. And in an interview afterward, Angela tells us, “I feel really good. For me to be going through what I’m going through, for me to stand there and sing like that, in front of America—that’s awesome of me.” What exactly is she going through? Why is she so damn special?

Kara’s boytoy Shirtless Dude sang “Bubbly” while his groupmate Jermaine Purifory sang “Brick House” in awesome form. Actually, both were really good. But they’re in separate rooms, so who can say? Angela Martin is in a completely different room! The drama! God, are they in Las Vegas? Look at those gawdawful carpets.

Anxious hopefuls wait in stark rooms! The atmosphere is silent! Dramatic drum in the background going “Bom … bom,” while contestants sulk in corners. Lovely.

Jermaine Sellers sings “Man in the Mirror” and screeches a bit. No energy. I’m not lovin’ it. Oh, no he di’int. After he’s done he totally rolls the band under the bus by saying that in rehearsal he cut out the last part, and so what the judges just heard “wasn’t actually right.” Kara agrees with me by muttering, “Don’t throw the band under the bus.” Simon’s like, “We heard enough to make a decision.” Jermaine, looking like an insect with his pop eyes, uncertainly shuffles off the stage. He’s done.

Siobhan (pronounced “Shevahn”) Magnus, the glassblowing apprentice, is told by Ellen to not be so old. So she lightens up her last performance by dressing like a Madonna reject and singing “Living for the City” by Stevie Wonder. How is this less old?

Crystal Bowersox sings “If It Makes You Happy” by Sheryl Crow with a vibe that reminds me of the Four Non-Blondes. In addition to her guitar, she also has a harmonica around her neck we don’t see her use. Despite her yellow teeth, I really like this girl.

In contrast to Crystal’s two instruments, Alex Lambert struggled with his one, Ryan tells us. And then we see Alex attempting “Sunday Morning” while strumming a … ukulele. Poorly. “You came on this stage with zero spark.” Isn’t that a line from “I.Q.”? “You have no spark.” Okay, and now he’s doing “I’m Yours” with the stupid ukulele. He still has no spark.

Big Mike also did Jason Mraz’s hit, but he had a real guitar and a different take on it altogether. Not bad. Todrick Hall sings the same song but does his own version, more of a Mariah Carey thing. It’s pretty nice.

Thaddeus Johnson’s mother is jumping up and down and screaming and … why are we watching this? Thaddeus tells us he’s a momma’s boy. And then Thaddeus goes on stage for his final performance, and why do I have the very, very bad feeling that he’s going to fall flat on his face and the judges are going to say something snide and the mother is just going to go off the air. Okay, the band starts to play, but it’s the wrong song. That gets sorted out, and he busts into an overdone “Man in the Mirror.” Mom’s going absolutely crazy and predicts that Thaddeus is now in the top 24.

The theatre is empty save for the four judges, who are fiddling with the photographs again, and Charity Vance is then singing something, and then Tasha Leighton, the worship pastor, is singing. I like her. Did they impress in their final auditions?

God, there’s the horrible Mary Powers yammering about something inconsequential. I know she’s going to make it into the top 24 just because it’s going to make me irritated. “I’m pretty intimidating, I think,” Mary says. She does “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry with huge staring dead eyes and her daughter in the audience has the same eyes and I’m just creeped out by this person entirely. Simon tries to sell Ellen on Mary, while Ellen looks completely unconvinced. Hold fast, Ellen. I don’t want to see his person again.

Dockworker Suckssexy cries because he’s not with his family, and I have the feeling he’ll be back with them soon enough. “Man in the Mirror.” Again. Was this song requisite for all large black men this season?

Brian Walker, the police officer who auditioned in Atlanta, liked his final performance and is just likeable in general. I hope he makes it.

More moping faces. Hope Johnson from the Dallas auditions overcame poverty and wants to perform on stage. She’s singing Daughtry’s “Home.” I’m just not impressed, but I have the feeling she is going to make it. Her voice just isn’t strong enough for me.

It’s 9 p.m. and still no results. Come ON! Shelby Dressel with the paralyzed facial muscles is shown back at her audition and now she’s singing on stage. She looks a LOT better now. Someone did something with her hair and makeup, and she’s dressed very smartly. While rehearsing “More Than a Feeling” she forgets the words. Which she did in her audition, if you recall. Okay, now she’s singing for real in her final performance, and she’s looking good. Squeaks one note out, and it’s shouty, so I don’t know.

Aaron Kelly forgets his words to “Angel” in the final audition. He was adopted by his aunt and uncle when he was 1 year old because his real parents suck, evidently. Randy croaks out the words to poor Aaron, and Aaron is able to salvage it a bit, but I know I wouldn’t want to be in a holding room with him after that.

Ashley Rodriguez has gross turquoise eyeshadow on and sings some song I don’t know. Oh, wait, I actually think it’s a Jordin Sparks song. “Battlefield”? Yeah, I think so. Anyway, not a good song for audition purposes because it has no actual tune. But that doesn’t seem to matter to Ashley, who is gyrating around the stage like she’s already a star.

Lee Dewyze strums a guitar and wears a brown beanie. Joe Munoz sings “Man in the Mirror.” If I never hear that song again … Haeley Vaughn wears a huge white silk flower in her hair and sings “I’m Yours” while being adorable. If she makes it, I hope the wardrobe department takes her under their wing.

The gorgeous blonde Janell Wheeler has a cough and is struggling with her voice. Probably exhausted from the schedule. She sings a raspy but quite acceptable version of the song about Romeo and Juliet being a love story. The judges don’t like the song, and I have to agree. Not much of a melody to that song. Afterward she cries and says she blew it. I hope not.

More depressed and whimpering contestants sitting on the floor. Okay, the judges are on their way! Sweet! “Brutal cuts coming up next,” Ryan warns us. Love it.

Okay, Room One. Tori Kelly, Lilly Scott with the grey hair, Danny Gokey lookalike Andrew Garcia are all in this room. Room Two has Mary Powers and Hope Johnson. Room Three has Haeley Vaughn in it. Rut roh.

The judges arrive in Room One and break the news to them that they’re all through. Of course, Ellen jollies them along for a bit before telling them this, but you could tell where it was going. So this includes Lilly Scott, Siobhan Magnus, Tyler Bradey with the fluffy hair, Thaddeus Johnson, Michael Lynche, and Katie Stevens.

The other rooms can hear Room One celebrating and are now even more nervous. Now we’re in Room Two, and all of the judges are grinning. Simon messes with them before telling them that they’re not through. Which means Mary Powers is out of there. Awesome. Hope Johnson sobs. I do feel badly about that. The Atlanta cop is gone, too, which sucks.

So Room Three is through, and there is much rejoicing. Randy screws with them first and then Kara tells them they’re staying. Janell Wheeler, Ashley Rodriguez, John Park, Jessica Furney, Angela Martin, and Shelby Dressel are all through.

That leaves us with 46, so now we’ve still got to lose 22. Now begins the “final judgment,” according to Ryan. The judges will go over past footage of the contestants, it appears, and make their decisions from those. The contestants are in a holding room together and will make the long, painful walk to the judges and sit in a blue leather armchair before finding out whether or not they made it.

First up: Mike Lynche, a.k.a. “Big Mike.” He’s already crying. Good grief. He’s the one whose wife gave birth during the group projects. Simon asks how he thinks he’s done over the past few days, and Mike thinks he’s done well. Simon says he thinks he’s a nice guy and that he’s improved, but their problem with him is whether Mike believes in Mike. But he’s in—“This is a very good day,” Simon says. Mike hugs Simon and practically swallows him, and then he picks up Ellen and Kara. Randy doesn’t want to be squeezed. Mike does a little jig and then picks Ryan up and throws him into the air. Awesome.

One down, 45 to go. Didi Benami, who sucked up to Kara by singing one of her songs earlier in the week, is next. Didi is the one who had the best friend who passed away and tried out for “Idol” in her honor. Simon asks Didi asks her how she thought she did, and Didi cries. Sigh. Simon jerks her around some more, and she cries harder. And then she’s through, and she cries even more, and kisses Kara’s ass a lot, and I’m very tired of Didi Benami already.

Caitlyn Epperly is next. She auditioned in Chicago and Simon said that the lights were off. The judges in Hollywood felt she didn’t connect with her songs. And her tragedy is that her parents are divorced. Oy. Ellen messes with her in a hysterically funny fashion but puts her through.

We’re back to Shelby Dressel. And she approaches the judges very apprehensively. Randy quizzes her on her week and tells her there were high points and low points. How original. And then tells her she’s out. Wow, really? After all that? I thought for sure she was in. While Shelby is out in the hallway breaking the bad news to everyone, we see Simon shaking his head looking morose and saying, “That was the wrong decision.” Wow. Simon wanted to keep her but the other three overruled him? That’s pretty rare.

The judges look fried already, and they have a whole lot more to get through. Casey James, the shirtless one, is up. A quick montage of what a horny bitch Kara is, and then we’re down to the verdict. He’s going through, and Kara, while hugging him, lifts her leg up. Yuck.

Aaron Kelly, who forgot the words, is up. Forgetting the words is almost always the death knell. But not this time, because he’s through. I’ll never understand these judges.

We’re back to Lee Dewyze, who argues with Kara that he is, in fact, self-confident. The judges were apparently on the fence about him until a few minutes ago, when they agreed that he should go through. Lee cries and can’t believe it.

Todrick Hall is a dancer and has never had a voice lesson, so he’s anxious. Flashback to his audition with his cute little original song. “Yes,” Kara says. “That’s IT?” Todrick asks incredulously. He goes crazy and leaps about the place. He ought to prove to be entertaining in the upcoming weeks.

Jessica Furney, who was rejected last season, doesn’t impress me much. But she WAS the only one out of her group to remember the words to that foolish Gwen Stefani song, so that’s something. She’s in front of the judges and is completely terrified. Randy tells her she’s out, and she wants to argue at this point. “Please. You have no idea, you have no idea, I know I can do better, you have no idea. I have this in me, you have no idea.” I’m bored with Jessica Furney. Jessica begs and begs and begs and begs and says the same thing over and over. The judges tell her they’re not going to change their minds, and then Jessica gets snippy and wants to argue some more. Go away, Jessica. Come back next year if you get better. Finally Simon excuses her, “Jessica. That’s it.” Thank you, Simon. Jessica tells us she should’ve been in the top 24. Then she blames her group for her not making it. What a crappy person.

Right, so we’ve seen 7 people make it to the top 24, with 17 left to go. Tune in Wednesday to find out the final verdict! And the final shot of this episode: A closed steel door to a restroom stall and the sound of sobbing from the inside. Oh joy!