You’re a Human Orange
by Paulette Frank
So we’re in Denver, the mile-high city, where Chris Daughtry auditioned years ago. Posh Spice is back with the judging panel to offer insight into contestants’ looks and clothes, and as Randy and Simon arrive at the audition site, they wonder where they are. Randy thinks Chicago and Simon thinks Atlanta. They’re so funny. They’re confused because they work so hard for two days at a time in different cities. So it’s tough to, like, keep up.
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First up is 28-year-old Matt Labriola, who often gets confused with the guy he deems the ugliest in Hollywood, Jack Black, but that’s okay, because Jack’s funny and he’s sure he gets girls (but really, Matt looks more like a chubby Mark Ruffalo). “I love cheese,” he says after Simon asks him to tell them something interesting about himself (Kara looks confused and whispers something to Posh that sounds like, “That’s not interesting”–like whatever little tidbit she could offer about herself would be more interesting than fromageophilia). Matt is wearing jeans, a beret, black-rimmed glasses, and a black button-down shirt with a white tie tucked into it, and he grew up on the run (living in tents, cars, and Hare Krishna temples) because his mom took him against his father’s will when he was four. He sings “Tempted” in a very pleasant tone, and is peppy and upbeat. Posh is surprised since she thought he was a joke when he came in, and she’d even gotten a little mad that he was going to be wasting the time of the people who came so far just to get a chance. So it’s yes from Posh, yes from Randy, 100% yes from Kara, and yes from Simon.
Mario Galvan is a 25-year-old nicotine-addictions counselor who laughs in an odd way at odd times (probably because he’s high on the patch and doesn’t have a nicotine-counselor of his own–Ryan calls it a “queasy little laugh”) , and he announces to the panel (after Posh comments on his very white teeth) that he’s going to perform Elvis Presley’s “Jailhouse Rock”, and after he does it, he lets out a little titter while awaiting the judges’ decision. It’s a no.
After a montage of cussing (which ended with some poor whale of a girl trying to fit between two giant planters on her way out … and failing … and cussing), it was time for more auditions. Kimberly Kerbow has a five-year-old daughter named Amelia who tells the camera that her mommy “IS America’s next … the next American Idol”, while moving her head from side to side and bobbing her eyebrows up and down and looking vaguely creepy in a JonBenet-type of way, though not nearly as extreme. Amelia’s mom is cute and has a big smile, and her hair is pretty but looks like a wig, and she sings “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson, and her voice is kinda weak but kinda pretty, but when she sings the part about buying Rogaine when her boyfriend starts losing all his hair and sorta points at Simon, the whole panel looks all shocked and offended like she’s making up lyrics and is implying Simon’s going to be losing his hair. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” says Kara, and Simon says, “Have we met before? Am I missing something?” and then he notes that she’s a single mum (but sarcastically can’t imagine WHY), but it’s four yeses all the same. After she leaves, they all offer their opinions on whether the girl who talked about Simon’s losing his hair was herself wearing a wig. They pretty much decide she was.
A montage of golden tickets follows, and then we see Danelle Hayes, a bandana-ed girl who tears up just talking to the judges before her audition. She hosts a live karaoke show and sings in a cover band, and she sorta shouts “I’m The Only One”, but in a good way, though when she sings quietly, it sounds a bit weak. Simon says “thank you” while she’s still singing, and she finishes anyway. Gutsy. Or maybe bitchy. Or maybe deaf. Kara was moved, Posh thought she was gorgeous, and Simon thought she was broken and she’d come to them just in time. Four yeses.
After some torment from Denver’s fashion-senseless (well, I guess most cities have their share of people who dress up as bats and/or hot dogs), we hear from Casey James, who’s blond, blue-eyed, pony-tailed, cowboy-booted, and happy to be alive after a motorcycle accident left him perhaps without the ability ever to play guitar again (it hurts, but he can play now). He sings something in a bit of a country twang, and it seems like all is well until Simon abruptly cuts him off, telling him “it’s a bad audition”. “Yeah,” agrees Randy, but Kara disagrees. Simon cites evidence, though. “No charisma, no effort, no attempt.” Kara argues that he’s got a good voice, but Simon says it doesn’t matter, so Randy asks for Posh’s opinion. “What do you look like with your hair down?” she wonders, and when he shows her, she says, “Cute! You know, Simon, he’s got a good look–a great look!” Kara agrees but tells him he needs to work on his personality 100%. He’s willing to do whatever it takes. Well, he’s just asking for it now. “Really?” says Kara. “What about unbuttoning your shirt a little bit?” Well, he gets two yeses from the girls after getting completely shirtless (which Kara justifies by bringing up Bikini Girl), and Randy reluctantly agrees to agree.
Next up is 16-year-old Tori Kelly, whose eyes disappear when she smiles and whose sister Hope Star brings in artistic impressions in marker of each of the judges (“That is a photograph, not a drawring,” says Simon of Randy’s chocolaty portrait). After the oohing and aahing, Randy brings the attention to Tori, and Posh offers up, “You’re gorgeous,” and of the flowy, peachy, sunny dress she has on: “and that dress is gorgeous as well.” Tori sings “Gravity” by John Mayer, and Kara really likes her (and bringing Hope Star in was a definite plus in her book), but if Simon is being honest with us, of the two of them, Tori and Hope Star, he’d send Hope through. He thought Tori’s voice was almost annoying, but Posh loved her look and points out to Simon that that IS relevant, because it’s not just about the voice, but about star quality. “You’re only 16???” Randy asks, and it’s 100% yes. Simon thinks she looks like a human orange and everyone else is mad, but she’s through with three yeses, the fifteenth and last golden ticket of day one.
Next up is a guy whose #42 goal on his list of things he wants to do before he dies (that’s The Bucket List, according to Jack and Morgan) is make it to Hollywood on American Idol. We see Austin Paul at football practice (he’s the snapper guy, the one who flings the football through his legs after the quarterback says the magic combination of numbers that ends in ‘hike’ or ‘hut’ or whatever), and at his keyboard, and on his moped, and lifting a barbell, and he seems kinda ridiculous, but if he is, they certainly went to a lot of trouble for him. Well, he’s not that bad, actually, but he sings a song about being bigger than his body gives him credit for (while grabbing his pecs) and Kara finds him cocky, Posh finds him arrogant, and Simon finds him annoying. It’s a no, despite the fact that he thinks that the singing football star would make a great story.
And then there’s Kenny Everett, who’s the world’s best singer, according to Kenny Everett. He sings in the park as sort of a public service, because his singing brings people together. The same way a pandemic or William Hung brings people together, I’m guessing. While he screams some kind of song (into the microphone that is his hand), Simon looks annoyed, Randy tries not to laugh, Posh looks horrified, and Kara decides to take the opportunity to show off her own voice while pretending to be joking about it. It’s four nos. “You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m a great singer.” But they’re not kidding, and afterwards, Kenny suspects a conspiracy.
A montage of retards follow (set to the tune of newly-blond Katherine McPhee’s new hit), but the first one, who screeches like a banshee giving birth to elephant calves, looks genuinely devastated after Simon tells her, “I think you just killed every cat in Denver.”
After the retards is a girl named Nicci Nix who flew 14 hours from Florence via Frankfurt, and she talks like Joey Lauren Adams, only a little higher-pitched, and Simon wants to know if she’s eaten any helium (I don’t know about her, but I put mine in brownies). She says she’s going to sing “A Girl’s Allowed Something Kinda Ooh” (or is it ew?), and it’s kind of … okay, I guess. When she’s finished, Simon says, “One of the most meaningful lyrics ever written,” and Posh says, “Better than zigazig ha?” Please, oh please, please, please, someone ask her what the hell that means!!! But nobody does. Damn. Instead, Simon comments on how much lower her singing voice is than her speaking voice (even though the difference is marginal–nowhere near the difference of the human guitar from the Atlanta auditions), and says, “You’re a funny little thing, aren’t you?” like he’s stumbled upon a friendly little Narnian dwarf. Posh loved her attitude, her look (especially her skin), and her voice and voted yes. It was a million percent yes from Randy, a thousand percent yes from Kara, and a “It’s four yeses” from Simon. Wow, who knew all getting to Hollywood took was a long flight?? If I audition, I’ll try arriving via Hong Kong. Or Belarus, because it’s fun to say.
The next girl up is Haeley Vaughn, a 16-year-old black girl who was born two months premature, weighing in at two pounds something, and her dad, who used to sing to her, is dead, and she really wants to be the first black pop/country, sort of mainstream artist. Hey, what about that guy who was on Nashville Star? The black one? Anyway, she seems sweet and fresh, and she sings that song about waking up in Vegas with a ring on her finger and she doesn’t even know his last name and her mama would be so ashamed, and she’s good. “Cute little thing, aren’t you?” says Simon, and then comments on her lisp and her great smile. Posh says something about her outfit, and Kara says how she likes that she’s black and wants to be a pop/country star, and that’s a big dream. Randy likes that, too. Kara notes that she should’ve started lower, and Haeley says that’s what her sister told her, and now Simon wants to know where the genius sister is, and Haeley says how her sister loves Simon and would love to meet him, and they say bring her in. And she wants her mom to come, too, and Randy wants to know if they can bring anyone else in, too, perhaps some friends from the mall. They come in and stand up their with their daughter/sister and ask if she’s going to Hollywood. As far as Simon is concerned, it’s a yes, and it’s a yes from Posh, and it’s a hundred million percent yes from Randy. Oh, the screaming.
So the Denver auditions yielded 26 golden tickets, and we think the show’s over. But no. Because first we have to see Kara vs. Bikini Girl YET again , because it’s the lead-in for the last contestant of the Denver auditions. Bikini Boy. He’s called that because, like Bikini Girl, he was wearing only a bikini. And shoes. He says he’s going to sing “Achy-Breaky Heart”, but he doesn’t seem to know the words, and the judges stand up fairly quickly to leave. “Don’t wiggle your hips like that, honey,” says Kara. “It’s not a good look.”
And that was it for the second-to-last audition round. Only one more installment before we can stop being subjected to the freaks (well, the non-singing freaks, anyway) and start being subjected to talent 100% of the time. Ok, talent and catfights and probably some other things, but no narcissistic singing football players, no queasily giggling nicotine counselors, and no bikini boys. Please.
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