Who Knew He Was Hanging Out In All These Theme Parks?
by Paulette Frank
“What four will be leaving us tonight?” Ryan wonders. As do I. I so hope Haeley and Didi aren’t going anywhere. And Andrew Garcia. I still think he’s great. Ryan tells us thank you for our over 27 million votes. You’re welcome, Ryan. He says hello to Randy, Ellen, Kara, and Simon (who gets the loudest audience response, although it’s half boos) and then asks Simon about how he said he got something wrong after he’d watched the show back. The only time I remember his making any kind of an about-face is with Katharine McPhee, when he told her her Whitney cover sucked when really it rocked. Then the next day after he’d watched it back he admitted it rocked. This time, though, it was the opposite, but all he’ll tell us is that some of the contestants they gave compliments to actually sucked, and with one in particular he had to turn the TV off. But he won’t say who. Bastard. We revisit Ellen’s guitar/piano confusion, and then are tortured with the group lip sync. Black-Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling”. It reminds me of what I imagine “High School Musical” is like.
After the break, Ryan asks the guys in the back row to stand up. Tim Urban, Todrick Hall, John Park, Casey James, and Michael Lynche. Ryan starts with Tim Urban, who is very quickly safe. Then he goes to Todrick, whose performance Simon felt sounded like something you’d hear at a theme park (“Who knew he was hanging out in all these theme parks?” said Ryan). “After the nationwide vote … [long pause] … Todrick … [long pause] … I’m going to ask you to just hang standing up for a second.” Nice one. He moves on to Michael Lynche, whom Randy had given a standing ovation and who Simon said had turned from a pussycat into a lion. “He goes to the parks, the zoos …” said Ryan. Safe. On to Casey, and he’s safe. So now it’s just John and Todrick. Randy says that with both of them, the person we’d seen before just hadn’t shown up in the past two weeks, and basically offers no opinion on which should leave. It’s John. Aww. I remember liking him at some point. He gets some man-hugs and then heads up to perform, and he seems just fine because he’s still feeling the love from Shania. He sings “Gravity”, and oh my God I totally didn’t realize how much he looks like Cristina Yang. That’s Sandra Oh, for you weirdos who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy. What’s wrong with you, by the way?
Now it’s time for the front row. Lee Dewyze is up first, and he’s safe, of course. Aaron Kelly is up next, and he reminds me of someone and it bugs me that I can’t figure out who. Ryan recaps the judges’ opinions of his “My Girl” performance, finishing up with, “Simon thought it was an audition he could’ve heard twenty years ago when he was 40.” Ryan tells him he’s sorry to do this to him, but he can sit down. He’s safe. So is Alex Lambert, which leaves Jermaine Sellers and Andrew Garcia. Sorry, Jermaine, I really hope it’s you. Ryan brings them center stage, and Jermaine has put a modern twist on Pee Wee Herman’s wardrobe, while Andrew looks exactly like he always does. Ryan does the recap, saying ‘frustRAted’ the way Simon does, and after he’s all done, he asks Ellen if she’s ‘frustRAted’. She goes off on how much more effective that pronunciation is, then says that actually she’s sad. And despondent. And listful. I’m not, though (I think), because Andrew is safe. Yay! Ryan asks Jermaine if he thinks his mouth got him in trouble, and Jermaine says no, and then I think goes off on how great he is and how what he does can’t be taught. And then he sings, but who cares, because he’s leaving anyway.
Oh, good, here’s Danny Gokey. Is he singing some kind of original? Does he have a CD now? Did I realize before how much he looked like Robert Downey, Jr.? Huh. There’s a happy little reunion with Ryan, and now that the mic isn’t blocking half his face, he doesn’t look so much like Downey. Then he invites himself onto Ellen’s show, and demonstrates to America that bespectacled pastor-types do coke, too.
Now it’s time for the back row of the girls. Lilly Scott is up first, and in the dimmed lights, her grey hair looks blond. Ryan talks about the judges’ opinions and then asks her what she thinks is going to happen, then interrupts her to tell her she’s safe. Paige Miles is next, and she’s safe. Now it’s Katie Stevens, who’s also safe, which leaves Didi Benami and Michelle Delamor. Oh, God, I just won’t be able to watch if it’s Didi. I can’t imagine she’d be able to get a word out. But besides that, I think she’s interesting and Michelle is boring. Ryan asks Kara to say which one she thinks it should be, and she breaks Didi’s heart all over again by telling her she sucked (which she didn’t), but then she tells Michelle, whom she was all gaga over last night, that she watched her performance over again and she sucked, too. It’s Michelle. Thank GOD!! I’m sorry, Michelle, I’m sure you’re a great person, but look at Didi. She’s about to collapse and she’s SAFE. Remind me again why they perform the songs that got them voted off? When she gets done, Katelyn Epperly leads the girls in hug patrol (oh my God, now SHE’S got giant feather earrings!) , and Ryan tells us very ominously there’s one more girl to go.
After some commercials, Katelyn is up first, and she’s safe, of course, because she’s first. Crystal Bowersox is next, and she’s safe. Duh. It’s ’cause she’s awesome. Siobhan Magnus is safe, too, which leaves Haeley Vaughn and Lacey Brown. I hope it’s Lacey. But if it’s Haeley, the plus side is that she’ll get another chance at “The Climb” which I just know she can kill. Simon tells Ryan it’s very obvious who’s going home, obvious to everyone watching. Aww. It is Haeley. Lacey tries to hide this monstrous grin while she hugs her and then kisses her cheek, and then they get stuck together by their necklaces and whatnot. Ryan tries to remember what school Haeley goes to, and it’s Pooter or something, and he says “One more time for Pooter!” because she’s about to sing, but then we hear someone yell “Wait a minute!” and it turns out Ryan is forgetting that we need to watch everyone’s AI journey and the stage manager is yelling at him, but he says, “Debbie, relax!” like he actually hadn’t forgotten. But we all know he did. So we watch little bits of John’s, Jermaine’s, Michelle’s, and Haeley’s journeys, and the only thing I draw from it is that Haeley is much more adorable with the long hair she has now. So everybody there is just sitting back and watching this video, and everyone’s so sad, and Haeley’s crying watching it. Why the hell didn’t she sing first? Probably because something was going to get cut off and if it had to be one or the other, it would be better if it were her performance. Oh, poor Haeley. It’s awful, she can barely sing. It might be worse than Didi would’ve been. I hope she does keep smiling, because she’s so great, and has absolutely every reason to. Good luck, Haeley! And yeah, to you other people, too, I guess.
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