It Was Verging on Stupid What You Did

by Mordant Monkey

Here we are, separating the men from the boys, Ryan tells us. “This … is American … Simon, stop talking!” Well, that was one of the weirder ways we’ve started this show.

Two of the guys are wearing purple (!!), two have a hideous scarf around their neck. There’s an overlap between those that makes it that much worse. Ellen rocks, Randy is wearing a Bill Cosby sweater, I can’t even describe what Kara is wearing—shoulder pads with silver chains dripping from them, like she’s a part of the Rhythm Nation perhaps?—and Simon “Missing a Button” Cowell.

Randy is excited about the diversity of the group of guys, Ellen cautions them that if the judges tell them they sound bad, they sound even worse on TV. And Simon watched the rehearsals earlier and warns them, “If you lose it tonight or you forget the words, your career is over.” And on THAT note …

Todrick Hall, 24, of Arlington, TX, wrote the original cutesy song for his audition, and despite the Internet buzz about him ripping off small children and their families, I like him. “Since You’ve Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson. Todrick struts on stage and does a fist punch and then points at us. His whistle pendant actually doubles as a timepiece. It’s cute. It’s a punchy version, very different from the original. He’s very smart. I wouldn’t say it highlights his voice that well, but he was rocking out and doing little moves and everyone seemed to like it.

Ellen calls him a great performer and liked the way he changed the song except for the chorus but loved that he’s a great performer because he was great. Randy says he’s a great performer but couldn’t recognize the song, and he still wants to hear Todrick sing. Kara agrees with Randy and says he didn’t have to change the arrangement that much but he’s a performer. I’m starting to sense a theme here. Simon thought it was crazy and said he murdered the original version of the song. Massive boos at this point. “I think it was verging on stupid what you did,” he adds.

Todrick likes the way he changed it but also agrees with Simon. Todrick said he said he heard that version of the song in his head. Interesting. Kara praises him for being creative, and Ryan whisks us away.

Aaron Kelly is 16 (!!!!) from Sonestown, PA, and is a high school student. We’re reminded that he forgot the words during Hollywood Week but made it through all the same. He’s singing “Here Comes Goodbye” but by whom I couldn’t tell because Ryan’s mic wasn’t working that well. It’s a country song, but he’s from PA so he gets a pass for that, I think. It’s passable, and there’s a nice glory note at the end. His voice is a little raspy but you’d never think that he was ONLY SIXTEEN!

Simon says it was quite a good performance but that Aaron looks embarrassed to be here. He says Aaron is likeable and cute but not memorable and he needs self-confidence. Kara calls him her favorite type of contestant because he doesn’t know how good he really is. Like, he’s so money and he doesn’t even know it? Randy tells him to believe in himself, and 16—what a voice, dude! Ellen loves him totally and completely. Aaron has practically melted into a puddle on the floor at this point, he’s like a little puppy wagging its tail.

Jermaine Sellers, 27, of Joliet, IL, is a church singer. And he likes wearing hats, evidently. I like hats in moderation, but come on. “Get Here” by Oleta Adams is his choice, and he starts off very timidly and flat. It’s hard to figure out if he’s being original or screwing up majorly. Not to mention the grey tuxedo jacket with tails he’s wearing, with a black silk rose and Frankenstein’s galoshes? Then the screaming begins, and his ugly neck tattoo and wispy facial hair and then off-tune wailing like someone is beating a stray cat. Goodbye, Jermaine Sellers. I do not expect to see you next week.

Ellen loves his look and loves that song. But she felt that he was performing the song instead of feeling the song, and “there were a couple of times where you went out and off.” I love how Ellen doesn’t know the terms “flat” or “off-key.” She’ll learn. Randy: “Yo.” Liked the song but it was a weird choice. Randy wants to know why he didn’t do something current and then wants to know why he deviated so badly from the original melody. Kara tells him that if he’s going to do massive runs, they have to mean something. And the song was too old, but “you can sing.” Simon calls it a cocktail-bar-piano song and it sounded as though he was screaming. “I think you’ve totally blown your opportunity with that.” Wow. Ellen tries to put a Band-aid on the hemorrhage by piping up that she thinks Jermaine will be back, and Kara agrees. I don’t.

Ryan asks Jermaine about Hollywood Week, and he refutes the idea that he’s a diva. So then Ryan asks him if he’s made up with Michael yet. “Who’s Michael?” Jermaine inquires. Uh, the music director, you twit? Jermaine says he thought he was talking about Michael Jackson. What an idiot. So Michael comes up on stage and they hug. And I’m just wishing, wishing, wishing that Ryan would move this along, because no one is going to remember Jermaine Sellers in a week because he’s leaving us Thursday and who bloody cares?

Next! Tim Urban, 20, of Duncanville, TX, who was the one who replaced Chris Golightly, the frizzy-haired orphan who did or did not already have a contract and was or was not eligible for Idol. He’s shown getting a phone call from Ken Warwick, the show’s executive producer, asking him to come to Hollywood, and he feels blessed to be here. He’s singing “Apologize” by OneRepublic. What is it with ugly jackets? It’s like a bone-colored leather. But eyew, what on earth made him choose this song if he has absolutely no falsetto range? Every time he reaches for it, his voice completely vanishes. This is not good. Tim, I hate to say this, but you’re in trouble. Why didn’t you play your guitar and do a nice little cute song?

Simon congratulates him on coming back and then brutally tells him, “Having said that, we absolutely made the right decision the first time around by not putting you through based on that performance.” Weak vocals, weak version, not a good performer and not a good singer. “You may make it through based on the fact that people are going to feel sorry for you,” Simon adds. Tim’s eyes are welling up, poor guy. Kara says he was buried under the music. Randy says it was “such the wrong song” and that he has no falsetto and that Tim is better than that. Ellen basically says that if you have ears, it wasn’t good, but with eyes, Tim is adorable. But that he can’t count on getting by on being adorable.

Joe Munoz, 20, from Huntington Park, CA, is a student. And he seems sweet and humble. He’s singing “You and I Both” by Jason Mraz, and though I don’t know this song, I like it. He has a nice, warm tone to his voice and a worthy falsetto as well. Take notes, Tim Urban and Jermaine Sellers! This is how you do it. Joe’s “inside smile” is lovely, and his eyes sparkle. That was the best I’ve seen all night.

Ellen immediately recognizes that he was completely at home on the stage and liked his song. Randy didn’t like the song choice, “for me for you,” but he thinks he worked it out. Kara says he was the best tonight so far, and Simon doesn’t believe he will sell records or be a star, because we’re going to forget that performance in ten minutes’ time. “You’ve gotta have that steel in your eyes,” he admonishes Joe, who has puppy dog eyes. Joe promises to bring something more exciting next week, and Simon says darkly, “Let’s get through this week.”

Tyler Grady, 20, from Nazareth, PA (of COURSE he’s from PA), is the “retro rocker.” “American Woman” is what he’s chosen to sing. He starts off with just the guitar and the simple verse and then goes into the rocking part. Except … it’s not rocking, it’s just lame. He screams in a few parts, and prowls around the stage being … sexy? Drunk? I’m not sure. It’s a horrible song if he wants to showcase his voice, and it’s just awkward. It’s like a very, very poor Doors cover band.

Simon says people are going to remember it but not for the right reasons. It’s clichéd, not natural, not enough vocals, too predictable. Kara says he needs more than a stale Jim Morrison routine. Randy repeats what Kara says, and Ellen tells him he lacks excitement and that he needs to work on his singing, not his posing.

Tyler and his stupid purple shirt and his stupid purple scarf tell Ryan that he’ll go to the mall if the judges want him to change. What, to sing, or to change his outfit? Then he says he’s not offended by what the judges said because they have the right to their opinions. Ah, so at least he’s seen this show before!

Lee Dewyze, 23, of Chicago, IL, is a paint sales clerk. He’s doing “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol while playing the guitar. Rut roh. The song is all over the place—the only part I can recognize is the chorus. I don’t like it. His voice is raspy and I like the voice, but not this song.

Ellen thought it was a good song choice but didn’t like the screaming but thinks he should stay. Randy didn’t like the song for him because Lee is more of a rocker and then suggests Kings of Leon. Kara suggests Bad Company. Simon cuts through the crap and says that this was the best performance. Wow. Is Simon messing with us or is he being serious? Yep, he’s serious. He suggests Lee does what David Cook did and pick a song and make it his own.

John Park, 21, of Northbrook, IL, is a college student, and his number-one fan is Shania Twain. We’re treated to his audition again with Shania making a pass at him all over the place, and then there’s John proposing to Shania. That’s cute. He’s singing “God Bless the Child.” What a slow, dreary song. Yikes. He sounds great, though, but this what Simon means when he calls something “indulgent.” Purple tee shirt and red sneakers? Excellent. This is actually what Simon means when he tells someone he could see them singing on a cruise ship.

Simon tells him that you have to have an incredible voice to take on that song, and John hasn’t. He calls it flat and zero emotion. Pointless performance, he says. Yep. Kara agrees. Loungey and indulgent, Kara calls it. I can’t believe that she’s stealing Simon’s lines and agreeing with me. Randy says he loved the bridge of the song but the song was too old for him. Ellen doesn’t know why he chose that song and hits the nail right on the head when she says that that kind of song isn’t going to get young girls to get up off the couch and vote for him. Quite right.

Ryan straight-up asks him why that song, and John says it’s an important song to him because of his parents and that money is something that is hard to come by. I don’t know.

Michael Lynche, 26, of St. Petersburg, FL, is a personal trainer and is the one who had the baby daughter while in Hollywood Week. “This Love” by Maroon 5 is his choice. I’m not a huge Maroon 5 fan, and this song has a weird vibe to it that makes me think of the ‘70s. His voice is thin and whiny, and he seems too busy concentrating on playing his guitar to notice anything else. Especially the fact that he’s chewing on the microphone while singing. Yuck. I’m bored. The dramatic finish falls flat to me.

Ellen says he’s bursting with personality and loved the song choice. Randy likes Michael and his energy but says that when Michael picked up him and Ellen in Hollywood, it hurt. Jeeze, Randy. Kara says it was depressing until Michael performed. Wow, I can’t believe the judges and I are at such odds. Simon says that Michael was like the supporting act before the main act—“you delivered so little on that performance.” Michael doesn’t believe him, but Simon reiterates that there was nothing unique whatsoever about it.

Alex Lambert, 19, of North Richland Hills, TX, is a high school student. Um, at 19? He says Mary Powers sucks, and we’re forced to watch the horrible Mary Powers during Hollywood Week, and I want to puke. Alex’s mullet is not helping, either. “Wonderful World” by James Morrison is the song he chose, and he’s wearing a putty-colored jacket and matching tennis shoes. This song might have a tune, but I can’t figure it out, and Alex is staring out with the deer-caught-in-headlights look with a frozen smile and I know he’s dying slowly inside and still the song just won’t end …

Simon wonders who was happier for the song to end: Alex or Simon. It was terribly uncomfortable for everyone, and Alex pipes up, “Yes sir.” Simon gets cross and tells him not to call him sir but tells him to get his act together because that’s the only way it’s going to work. Kara says he sounds like James Morrison and he has great potential. Randy likes his tone and hopes he sticks around, and Ellen likes him and says, “I like that you’re holding onto the mullet and you’re not going to let it go.” Then there’s an odd analogy to a banahnah that could be taken weirdly but let’s just let it go, and then Alex gives props to Ricky Minor very wisely and then we’re off to the next.

Casey James, 27, of Fort Worth, TX, is a shirtless musician. He’s going to sing Bryan Adam’s “Heaven” to Kara. Sitting on a stool with his guitar, and it’s a nice version, I guess. He doesn’t do anything for me. Too smug, I think. And his vibrato is too fast. But his voice sounds fine and he’s on pitch, just why does he have to go to the Simon Cowell school of dressing and have his shirt open to his navel? Eyew, I don’t like the way he chopped this song up. At least it’s over.

Kara starts: “I don’t recognize you with your shirt on.” She says he got pitchy in the chorus and she’s so hot and bothered she truly can’t go on. Ellen says she could hear Kara undressing him with her eyes. Randy liked the song choice and likes Casey. Kara then wants to add that Casey is eye and ear candy. Simon says that the both of them were cursed with good lucks, and that he likes that he chose the right song and Casey came over as very likeable. He refers to Kara as a cougar—hurrah Simon!—and says it was his best performance yet.

Andrew Garcia, 24, or Moreno Valley, CA, is in the pimp slot. He’s a musician and a stay-at-home dad. He’s singing “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boy. I was wondering if I’d live long enough to see someone attempt Fall Out Boy on “Idol.” But it’s acoustic, just the guitar and his voice, and it’s fine until the back-up singers and the other instruments kick in, and then I turn off. It is now ruined for me.

Simon was looking forward to Andrew more than anyone but was disappointed by that song: too serious, too indulgent, and not original enough. He liked the “Pauler” song Andrew did in Hollywood but not this song. Kara says that the song was strange and wasn’t meant to be acoustic—quite right—but really likes Andrew and thinks he’s great. Randy agrees and says that the arrangement was strange but he’s a fan of Andrew’s. Ellen liked the Paula song and thinks it’s going to carry him but felt that he was inside of himself too much.

So! Todrick Hall got jiggy with a Kelly Clarkson song; Aaron Kelly sang country passably well and is only 16!; Jermaine Sellers is out of here just as soon as the next flight out of LAX leaves; Tim Urban royally sucked on “Apologize”; Joe Munoz has puppy dog’s eyes and is adorable; Tyler Grady thinks Jim Morrison’s drunk spirit inhabits his scrawny PA body; Lee Dewyze is debatable; John Parks chose the worst song possible and was a horrible buzzkill; Michael Lynche bobbed around on the stage but accomplished nothing; Alex Lambert gave a wonderful deer-in-the-headlights impression; Casey James needs to button his shirt up; and Andrew Garcia tore the heart out of one of Fall Out Boy’s best songs and ground it to dust with his Danny Gokey glasses.