Vote for the Pink Pants
by Mordant Monkey
Scott McIntyre sported some pink pants on American Idol.
Ryan asks us seriously, “What happens when you mix the most talked-about singers in the nation with some of the most influential songs in the world?” Um, I don’t know, sheer mayhem? “Tonight, the music of Motown. This is A-MER-ican Idol!”
The judges appear from behind the curtain, and they almost all look normal, except for Paula, who is wearing a “dress” consisting of a pretty black sheath with a white design and then a short, fluffy tutu made of white netting. It’s like a weird Frankensteining of two outfits that never should have been forced together.
We rehash the “shocking” elimination of Alexis Grace from last week, and then Paula asks Ryan what he’s doing after the show. Please, can’t this wait until later? She then says that the contestants have to challenge their artistic integrity and mix it up this week. Simon adds that Motown has some of the best songs in the world but in the same breath makes sure we know he’s not looking forward to what’s in store for him at all. Maybe he should’ve stayed home tonight, then.
There’s a Motown montage, and apparently the Idols actually went to Detroit to visit Hitsville USA, where it all happened. That’s kind of awesome, really. Barry Gordy, founder of Motown, is with Smokey Robinson, and the contestants are visibly moved, and it’s just neat to watch. But oh, Adam, you could’ve shaved for this, no?
They show the group singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” at the piano at the mansion, and then there’s Barry and Smokey in the audience, and we’re ready to kick this show off.
Matt Giraud is going first, and he’s doing “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye. Smokey tells us that Matt did more than justice to Marvin’s music. Well, that sounds promising.
Matt’s at the piano, and what he’s singing is not a Marvin rip-off but an original take on it. He starts off slowly but then gets kind of wild and smoky at the chorus, and then he gets up and serenades the audience, and it’s just great. He dances down to the judges and rocks around and then ends on a nice high note with the horns in the background. Excellent.
Randy is happy about the night (which just started) and says that Matt could challenge the front-runners (Danny and Wicked) for the top spot. Kara wants to get it on with Matt, and Paula says he showed a sexy cool vibe, but it wasn’t overdone and he was respectful of the melody. This was actually relevant and coherent criticism from her. Simon waxes enthusiastic as well, saying that it was a brilliant song choice but the dancing was corny, that his voice suits that song and that he IS a front-runner.
Kris Allen is doing “How Sweet It Is” by Marvin Gaye. Smokey seems very pleased with him and says that Kris blew him away. “It was wonderful,” he adds.
Kris has the guitar and starts out slowly, but he gets to the jazzy part quick enough, and the back-up singers are doing a good job of blending. Kris gets cute with the facial expressions, and even though it’s not a terribly dynamic song, he has fun with it and slows down on the last line and shouts the last note, instead of going into falsetto, which is what I expected.
Kara says he made the song his own and did everything right. Paula tells him he’s coming into his own, that it was a great song, and that she’s very proud of him. Simon says it was a smart version but he needs to start believing in himself because he’s standing like he’s at a bus stop. Most of Simon’s analogies I get easily enough, but what? I waited for him to add something about “busking,” but Randy stepped in and said it was very consistent and all good.
Scott! Wearing pink pants! Oh, whoever did that to him is going to hell. I mean, come on. That’s a terrible trick to pull on someone who can’t see. Scott is performing “You Can’t Hurry Love” by Diana Ross and the Supremes and warns us he won’t be leaving the piano behind for it, Paula. Smokey smiles at him and says, “I enjoy you all the time.”
We get a jazzy riff on the piano and then an extremely slow start that speeds up in the second verse. He’s brought the back-up singers down around the piano, and that works really well, because they’re moving and shaking and it looks fun. But it’s kind of boring, really, but it’s solid.
Paula says he brought something different with the singers and that the song was a nice choice. Simon didn’t like the version, it was too honky-tonk, it was completely the wrong song, and that right now it’s about standing out as a relevant performer. Randy adds that it felt like a hotel performance and that Scott needs to take risks and challenge himself and calls the performance very average. Kara liked the tempo but didn’t like the liberties Scott took with the melody.
Ryan asks Paula to rate Scott’s performance compared to the other two guys, which really was a dickish move, since Scott was obviously not as good. Paula hems and haws and Simon keeps mumbling, “Just answer the question. Just answer the question,” and she finally gets pissed off and announces that she has something for Simon, pulls her chair back, and bends over to get something from under her chair. Alarmed, Ryan reminds her that “We’re not allowed to show that.” However, it was nothing too exciting: a box of 64 crayons and two coloring books. Implying that Simon is a child. Get it???
Scott’s still standing there with Ryan and tells the audience, “You gotta vote for the pink pants!” Ryan is astonished that he knows he’s wearing pink pants, and apparently they dressed him in them and didn’t tell him they were pink until it was too late to change them. Oh, very nice, guys, way to go.
And now back to the crayons—god, will this ever end—and Ryan wants to know what else Paula has under the desk. Paula tells him, “It’s under my skirt.” Whaaa? On that note, we go to …
Megan Joy, who’s going to sing “For Once in My Life” by Stevie Wonder. Smokey calls her a half-jazz, half-cabaret singer. I call her half tattooed and half nuts, but there you go. None of her should be allowed to move, that’s for darn sure.
And WTF is she wearing? A turquoise bag as a dress with a sprig of cilantro and half of a parrot on the side of her head? God, no wonder Vote For The Worst loves her so much. Her voice cracks everywhere throughout the song, and in parts she’s shriek. Then she starts with the attempted dance moves, which is more like attempted murder. There’s a great shot where she herky-jerks past the judges, and Simon looks absolutely horrified. Awesome! Finally it ends. Finally.
Randy immediately says that the song was a trainwreck and was way too hectic and rushed. Kara says there were bad notes and the phrasing was weird. Paula says she looks stunning (which means she’s screwed) but agrees that the song was wrong. Simon tells her she looks good (now she’s really screwed) but that it was horrible, the song was atrocious, her vocals were all over, and that she’s in serious trouble. Like I said: screwed.
Anoop is singing “Oh Baby Baby” by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. Smokey says that Anoop blew him away and did a beautiful job.
He starts by sitting at the edge of the stage crooning at the audience, and it’s sweet and slow and pure. Lovely, Anoop! His falsetto is gorgeous, and he interprets the song very well, I think. He just needs to dress a bit hipper. I hate these dimestore jackets he keeps coming up with every week.
Kara says it was a very hard song and he did a good job but that he needs to be more creative. Paula says she wants to see more confidence from him but his vocals were sweet. Simon thinks he had great vocals but that he looked half asleep and needs to demonstrate more showmanship. And Randy says to bring more energy next week.
Michael missed out on the Detroit trip because he evidently was sick with whatever Megan had last week. He’s singing “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” by The Temptations. He plans on “churching it up” and bringing his soul roots to it. Smokey says Michael should use his big voice more on the song because he’s meant to be begging his lover to give him another chance.
There are some pitchy spots in the song, but mainly it’s just boring to me. There’s nothing new or exciting about it, and it gets a little country and yelpy at the end, which I resent. I had quite enough country last week, thank you, Michael.
Paula actually comes with a Simon line if ever I heard one: “Las Vegas loungy.” Nice! She then continues to flay him alive (well, for her, anyway) by telling him he was flat. She keeps apologizing to him, though, which I don’t get. I mean, if she thinks he sucked, she wouldn’t be doing him any favors by not telling him that at this point, I wouldn’t think. Simon says, “I couldn’t wait for it to end,” and then digs the knife in a little deeper by informing Michael he has no chance of winning based on that vocal—it wasn’t good enough. Randy says the song was too big for him and it was the wrong choice, and Kara says that it’s about artistry, not singing, at this stage of the competition and then remembers her go-to line and wonders who Michael is as an artist. Maybe they’ll go shopping and she’ll find out.
Lil Rounds is doing “Heat Wave” by Martha and the Vandellas, and Smokey informs us that Lil can sing the phone book. Smokey is officially not allowed to watch this show any longer unless he can do better than that as a compliment, because Paula is obviously contagious.
Lil looks amazing in a grey and black flapper dress with all kinds of fringe, and her hair is in a bob, which means it’s grown about a year’s worth in one week. But oy, the song. Or should I say, the shout. Because all she’s doing is shouting at us, and it’s the same note over and over, and all I want to do is fast forward through this because once you’ve heard one note, you’ve heard them all, evidently. Did she get more time than everybody else? This feels twice as long as the others’ songs.
Randy says it was not the right kind of song and that she rushed through. Kara tells her she looks great but it was the wrong song and she screamed it in parts. Paula disagrees and then babbles something. Simon thinks it was the wrong song and it was too fast but it was authentic. Authentically crappy?
Wicked is going to wow us with “Tracks of My Tears” by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. He asks Smokey what inspired him to write the song, and then Smokey listens to him sing it and says to us that he’s never heard it sung like that but that he likes it a lot.
Adam’s going unplugged tonight, Ryan tells us, and so we’ve got a bass player, a guitar player, and some guy sitting there doing nothing. But the best part is Wicked: dressed in a sharkskin grey suit with his hair done a la Elvis, and no black nail polish or anything too goth. Other than the earrings. He’s singing it slower than the original, and the vocals are so pure and high and flawless, it’s awesome. Smokey gets to his feet after he’s done and gives him a standing ovation, and of course the rest of the audience follows suit, because come on. If the original artist gives a guy a standing ovation after he just performed his own song, you’d better give the guy some respect.
Kara stands up as well, thinking she has an original idea, and tells Wicked, “I got six words: One of the best performances of the night.” That’s eight words, Stephen Hawkings. Paula tells him he’s completely in his own league, which is true, and that she loves this new, cleaner version of Adam. Eh, it’s nice as a novelty and it goes with the show, but I don’t like it as a rule. Simon says, “It was the best performance of the night,” but doesn’t count his words and adds that it was original, relevant, and a brilliant song, and that Adam has emerged as a star. I don’t know where these guys have been, but it’s not as if Wicked’s been this shrinking violet that only felt free to express himself during Motown Week. Whatever. Randy says that it was tender and unbelievably hot.
Danny is going to sing “Get Ready” by The Temptations. Smokey tells us that Danny is a great interpreter but has to help him with the arrangement. He tells Danny to sing the lines “You’re all right” and “You’re outta sight” instead of just letting the back-up singers take over.
Which, I notice immediately, Danny doesn’t do in the liver performance. He can probably get away with it this time, but remember when LaKisha consistently ignored the mentors’ advice and ultimately went the way of the dodo because of it? Yeah. Danny, beware. Danny sounds good, and this is a fine fit for his husky voice. He’s trotting around the stage, marching in place, joining the back-up singers, and in general just having fun. I like it.
Paula says that he is undeniable, identifiable, and reliable about giving us performances that are first class. Does she write this shit down somewhere and pull it out when the occasion calls for it? Are comments like these also hidden underneath her dress? Simon says it was clumsy and amateurish. Randy says Danny has a dope voice and he loves the energy. Kara says she loves Danny’s personality and it wasn’t a great performance but she’s still a huge fan.
In the pimp slot, Allison. Singing “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations. Smokey warns her to study the lyrics but is obviously quite impressed with her.
There’s a funky musical intro, and then Allison wearing the world’s ugliest tights under a blue dress of sorts with a million chains as a belt and a weird cream jacket. Sigh. But she sounds incredible, even though I’m mystified as to whether the words really are correct or not, because it’s impossible to tell.
Randy: You’re 16! And blazing hot! Kara: You’re 16! And amazing! Paula is now sporting a black moustache that Simon must’ve drawn on her upper lip with his new toys and tells her she is awesome and amazing and beautiful. And Simon tells her it was one of her best performances.
In summary: Michael Sarver and Megan Joy are in serious trouble after those lousy performances they laid on us tonight. Lil Rounds might also show up in the Bottom Three, but I doubt she’s got anything to worry about while Michael and Megan are still stinking up the joint. Wicked still reigns, while Danny Gokey’s chokehold is beginning to loosen.
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