Tonight Wasn’t Exactly a Good Night
by Mordant Monkey
After overly dramatic scenes of the past two nights and the Voice of Simon warning us of impending doom, we hear: “Drama. Is about to unfold on this stage. Ready?” Ryan asks. Drama, yes. Danny Gokey, no. No thank you.
Ryan looks like a three-year-old dressed him, and Kara has way too many silver clothes on. Simon thinks he was wrong about his initial compliments to certain contestants—he said when he played parts of the show back, he had to turn it off, it was so bad.
“I Gotta Feelin” by the Black-Eyed Peas is the group sing number. It seems a very odd choice for a night when one-fifth of the contestants will be going home. Almost everyone is dressed like an idiot—it would take too long to get into it.
Ryan starts on the boys first. Tim looks resigned to his fate, adorably so, and he is safe. Surprising no one but Ellen, probably. Todrick, looking like a black Tim Curry, really, is reminded that Simon thought his performance was something he would’ve seen at a theme park and then asked to remain standing. That’s uncomfortable. Mike turned from a pussycat into a lion Tuesday and was given a standing ovation from Randy (who cares?) and is safe.
Casey did a song that everyone else has sang on ever season of this show and is safe, after yet another tired cougar joke. Jaysus. Now it’s John and Todrick left standing. John is reminded how Simon flayed him alive verbally and then Ryan asks Randy for some words of wisdom. Not too long after that, Ryan announces that John is leaving.
John says that meeting Shania was definitely the highlight of his “Idol” journey and then sings “Gravity” again. Oh, they show John’s parents up in the Coke room, and they look absolutely anguished. John’s still singing. Yawwwwwwwwn …
One more guy has to go right now, so we’re moving right along. Lee is, of course, safe. Aaron is next, and he is safe as well. Alex is wearing a Cosby sweater with his mullet, and he is reminded that Simon thinks he lacks “killer instinct.” But he’s safe. That leaves Jermaine and Andrew. Gee, I wonder who it’s going to be. Why is this show so bloody lame when it comes to the two-contestant showdown? Wouldn’t it have been much better to have a Tim-Jermaine standoff? Anyway, Andrew is wearing a pink beanie, while Jermaine is still dressed like Urkel, so I don’t personally care which one goes home at this point, but Andrew is safe. Duh.
Ryan asks if Jermaine thinks his attitude got him into trouble, and Jermaine rambles about how he’s a church singer and he knows God and whatever the hell. “In God there is no failure. And everybody needs to go out and get a onesie.” Go away, Jermaine.
Oh, jeeze, Gokey is here singing already. I was hoping they’d leave him to the last and I could just turn off the TV. But no. It’s sounding very countrified. I’m bored. He’s still a douchebag. Even Ryan is bored with him.
Okay, back to the point of the show. Ryan’s moved on to the girls, and Lilly and her stupid feather earrings are safe. Paige sang a Kara song, and despite that, she’s safe. Katie had issues with her song choice again, but she’s safe. That’s left Michelle and Didi. Simon compared Didi to a screeching cat, while Michelle looked great last night. Ryan puts Kara on the spot about who she thinks it is, and she says she went back and watched Michelle again last night and thinks she’s leaving. And she’s right—Didi is safe.
Michelle is classy with her goodbyes and then sings Creed for us again. And now the last girl has to go. Katelyn was “corny,” according to Simon, but she’s safe. Crystal—do we even need the suspense? She’s safe. That leaves Haeley, Lacey, and Siobhan. But Ryan goes backward and tells Siobhan she’s safe. Excellent. Haeley and Lacey. It could go either way, really. They both have strange things on their heads—Lacey has a peacock feather, and Haeley has one of those homemade headbands. Simon says it’s desperately obvious who’s going home tonight, and it’s Haeley. I didn’t think it was obvious, but okay, Simon.
Haeley lisps and smiles and is still covered with sparkles, while Katie cries, and then there’s a video of Shania hitting on John Parks and then there’s Michelle and Haeley and Jermaine. Shouldn’t Haeley have sung before the video? I can’t remember. Anyway, she sings now, and Katie is still crying. Haeley is crying and if we thought she had troubles last night, this trumps it. Now everybody is crying. Good grief. Haeley must be a favorite with everybody. With good reason, too. When she’s done the entire group surrounds her in hugs. Wow, that was kind of cool. I’m so bummed Haeley’s gone, but really, it was completely expected. The other three, yep.
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