This Isn’t Going Particularly Well for You, Is It?
by Mordant Monkey
Hallelujah. We’re finally—finally!—going to hear some actual singing and see some actual performances. I was starting to wonder if I was trapped in some sort of audition limbo for the past month and a half.
There’s Ryan on the stage, and he walks through the lines of women on one side and men on the other. Most of them are trying to not giggle as Ryan announces that this is, indeed, “American Idol.” Well, I guess we’ve come to the right channel then!
Tonight the 12 girls perform, and only 10 will survive the week. Ryan introduces them, and it’s my firm belief that one can tell a lot about a person by their fashion decisions. This is a wild and wacky array, let me tell you.
Ryan introduces the judges, and it’s Ellen, Randy, Kara, and then Simon. Simon affirms that it’s going to be the girls’ year, Kara says something but nothing at the same time, as does Randy. Ellen contradicts what Randy thinks he said and tells them to be everything they can possibly be. Ryan asks why she’s not next to Simon, and Ellen says, “Well, the problem is, Simon wants me. He’s got like a thing for me, and I get it, Simon, I get it, but it’s not gonna happen. His hands are like wandering hands.” And then, to “protect” herself, Ellen has a tape to prove this. Thus ensues a hilarious skit of Simon’s (or someone’s) hand crawling around Ellen’s knee during auditions. Oh my.
Paige Miles, 24, of Naples, FL, is going first. I bet she’s terrified. I would be. She’s a preschool and after-school teacher. She talks about her favorite moment so far being during her final performance when she got to sing with Michael Jackson’s backup singers. Evidently she’s not nervous—she says she can’t wait to go out and show them what she can do.
She’s singing a lukewarm version of “All Right Now” while the molten-hot lava background swirls ominously in the background. She’s wearing a black lace minidress with a silver satin sash that does her no favors. Also, the pale blue contacts? Should go. She might be messing up the words—I can’t understand a single one. Clapping with the hands over the head. A long, shouted last note and we’re done.
Simon tells her that out of all the girls, he thinks she has the best voice. Really? But he hated the song, calls it a wedding-singer song. He tells her to believe that she’s a star and she’ll be fine. Kara disagrees with Simon and says the song was brilliant but didn’t like the way she did the chorus. Randy didn’t like the song but says she did a great job. Ellen disagrees and agrees.
Hilariously, Ryan asks her about something she had told Ryan earlier: Evidently Paige is sewn into her dress and has been waiting to pee for five hours. Holy cats!
Ashley Rodriguez, 22, of Chelsea, MA, is the one who looks like Alicia Keys. She’s a student and loves Jordin Sparks. Sigh. She starts whispering a Leona Lewis song, “Live Happy,” but then actually sings it. It’s okay, but I think she could have focused her voice a lot more and really nailed it. Not a huge fan of the billion gold chains around her neck or the gold jacket, but her makeup is lovely.
Kara calls Leona Lewis the Mariah Carey of our generation, as if Mariah is a washed-up old hag, and then tells her she should’ve taken on a song the judges didn’t expect her to sing. What? Randy says it was okay but Leona is too big for her to tackle. Add Leona to the ever-lengthening list of divas the ladies are NOT to sing. Ellen agrees and tells her to take a risk and do something that’s not safe. Which is, from what I’m hearing the judges say, what she just did by singing Leona Lewis? No? Simon says, “This isn’t going particularly well for you, is it?” and then tells her it was clumsy, he didn’t like the arrangement, and that she’s going backwards. She’s just someone who sings other people’s songs and that not very well. Ouch.
Janell Wheeler, 24, Orlando, FL, is a wine sales rep. Really? That’s kind of a cool job. She wants to show America that this is where she’s supposed to be. Fair enough.
Oh NO! “What About Love” by Heart? Yeowch. It’s too fast and she’s off with the background music. But she does work the stage. I’m starting to see a trend here: Tights that look like jeans, with very high heels. Anyway, Janell is dying on stage. Thin voice, straining to stay on pitch. Oh Janell.
Randy didn’t like the song with her voice. Duh. She would’ve been much better going the coffee house or art song way. Ellen liked the song and likes her voice and likes Janell. Simon ignores Kara (!!) and says she gave it a 65% effort. Simon says there were moments, but it was not a good song. Janell has obviously never read an Idol blog in her life or she would’ve known Heart was off limits as well. Kara agrees and says it was not a good song for her.
Lilly Scott, 20, of Littleton, CO, still has weird grey hair and is wearing a kelly green and white sundress. No peacock earrings? “Fixing a Hole” by the Beatles, interesting song. She’s got her guitar, which is beat to hell, and she’s just charming. Her funny voice is so contemporary, I could imagine her on the radio right now. I think she’s a real contender if she keeps this up.
Ellen says that’s what they’re talking about—the unique song choice and the voice. Simon jumps in and says he likes the song and it was the best so far, but he’s not getting any star power from her. Kara tells her that busking on the street for money is the best thing for an artist. I’m sure Kara’s stood on a street for money before, but I doubt it contributed to her artistry. Randy loves that she’s an indie artist and doesn’t care what others think about her.
Lilly jokes about making Ryan feel short, and then there’s a confusing bit about Kara and Simon and knee-touching, and whatever.
Katelyn Epperly, 19, of West Des Moines, IA, is a college student and … is dressed like it’s 1984 and she’s Madonna, but dressed up as a flapper. I’m very confused. “Oh Darling” is her song. What?! Let the over-emoting begin. Her voice is there, it’s strong, but I hate the song and I hate the way she’s milking every note for what she can.
Katelyn looks expectantly at the judges. Simon says that despite everything she screwed up, he actually likes her. And the song. Kara says Katelyn knows her voice very well and that she worked the song very well but doesn’t like the makeover and likes her better natural. Randy likes the makeup and says she has a big voice and can go places. Ellen thought she was pushing herself too hard but then realized that’s just how she sings.
Ryan asks what “word bubble” appeared in Katelyn’s head when Kara said what she said about the makeover, and Kara and I both answer at the same time: Bitch.
Haeley Vaughn, 16, of Fort Collins, CO, is adorable and has a cute lisp and makes me smile. If she could bottle it and sell it, she’d make a fortune. “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles while strumming a guitar, and she’s dressed all in white and is covered in glitter. I don’t like where the song is going at all—way too much yelping—but she’s still fun to watch. Great energy.
Kara says technically the song sucked, but Haeley on the stage is great. We agree! Amazing! Randy agrees with me and Kara and then says she’s only 16. I was waiting for that. Ellen reminds us that she’s 16, and then says she shines on stage. Simon says, honestly, it was terrible and that she was a wind-up doll on stage. “For me, a complete and utter mess.” Ellen jibes, “If it was a mess, it was a hot mess.” Awesome.
Lacey Brown, 24, of Amarillo, TX, coordinates events as a church. Really? Like, as a full-time job? Must be an awfully big church. We’re reminded that she was cut last year but made it this year. We’re also reminded that she applies her black eyeliner with a paintbrush. “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac starts off shaky and does not improve. “Landside?” Yikes. I’m not a huge fan of the backup singers Idol employs, but I’m grateful they were around tonight. I wonder if she thinks that this is going well. Because it is not.
Randy says that Stevie Nicks and the Dixie Chicks rock, but Lacey was terrible. Ellen says Lacey is better than that and that she got lost in the song. Simon found it depressing and was counting down the seconds until it was over. “Indulgent,” he calls it. Well, that’s the kiss of death. Kara says it wasn’t her vibe and that she didn’t show America what she’s got. “Nice eyes,” adds Simon.
Ryan traps Lacey into disagreeing with Simon, who studiously ignores both of them. Ryan, why must you stir up trouble where there was none to start with?
Michelle Delamor, 22, of Miami, FL, has more jobs than Ryan Seacrest, she tells us, including sales associate and children’s choir teacher. Yikes. “Falling” by Alicia Keys. I wonder if Alicia is going to make the diva list this year as well as Leona. It’s not that she does a bad job—I just think it was the totally wrong song. She brings nothing new to the song and doesn’t sound that great either. It was just okay for me. Her weird hip movements are distracting, too, and I can see Lilly in the background making fun of Michelle to Janell.
Ellen says it’s fantastic, and that it was a hard song that she made seem easy. She also says that she knows Michelle can do better than that. Simon says she did very well and that she’s a professional singer but there was no “wow” moment. Maybe that’s what I was waiting for? Simon also says she looks fantastic. Kara says she’s “commercial-looking” (gaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!) and that there were some not great moments. Randy ums and then says she did a pretty good job for singing Alicia and that she needs to take some risks.
Ryan doesn’t find Michelle interesting enough to banter with and then tells us that Didi Benami, 23, of Knoxville, TN, has had a tough road. Didi is the one who reminds me of Brooke White. “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson? And … Didi is wearing the too-long vest of many colors. Oy. But I like the song, and I like her voice. I just don’t like the way she bares her teeth at the microphone. I’d be running for my life if I were that microphone, I am telling you. Searches for the last note rather disconcertingly, but otherwise quite good.
Simon thinks she’s a good singer but there are too many people trying to sound like the same person. A bit indulgent and dreary, and she’s missing a spark that excites Simon. Kara liked the song and liked the changes she made but says it was pitchy. Randy wants to know where the star factor is and calls it sleepy. Ellen found it low-key and not really a good first impression.
Ryan gets in over his head trying to spar with Simon about first kisses, and yeah, that didn’t go very well at all for him.
Jeeze, we’re not done yet? Siobhan Magnus, 19, of Cape Cod, MA, is the glass-blowing apprentice. She’s passionate about singing but doesn’t know what the phrase “dark horse” means. She’s singing “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak. The bouffant hairdo with the silk rose needs to go, but I do like the way this is shaping up. Beautiful head voice, very controlled. She looks half-dressed, though, which is weird. Her black dress doesn’t close all the way in the front, so her white slip shows at the bottom. What the hell? At any rate, that was a really nice performance.
Kara wouldn’t have picked it but liked the song. Randy … is wearing a powder-blue watch. I didn’t notice that before. Ellen loved it—she says she forgot that it was a competition and thought while Siobhan was singing that she was just being entertained. Simon calls her a funny little thing and liked it, but not as much as the Stevie Wonder song she sang before, and then wonders if she picked such a dark song because she blows glass all day.
Ryan starts to go there with the blowing pun, but it dies early, thankfully.
I’ve been waiting for this one: Crystal Bowersox, 24, of Elliston, OH. She’s never watched “Idol.” This ought to be a scream. She says she’s only here because she wants to make more money for her son. Well, at least she’s honest.
“One Hand in My Pocket” by Alannis Morrisette. She’s got the guitar and the harmonica. Nice. And she sounds great, and the harmonica is rocking, and the crowd is clapping, and I am just enjoying this. She gets a standing ovation afterward. As well she should.
Randy says she’s one of his favorites and he loves her originality. Ellen is also a fan of hers and says that they are lucky she auditioned because she adds something fresh to the show and that she would vote for her. Simon likes her, likes her baby, likes her story, but that there are thousands of Crystal Bowersoxes doing what she is doing in subway stations. He calls her song “soundalike” but says that she will do well. Kara says it was good but that there is a greatness in Crystal and that she’ll be here next year. What?
Lastly, the other youngster is up: Katie Stevens, 17, of Middlebury, CT, is a high school student. More of the grandmother with Alzheimer’s, and then the performance. “Feelin’ Good” from Michael Bublé, wearing a black dress with a red rose sash and a red plastic headband. I think she could’ve done better with her hair. But the song is fine—it’s unfortunate that she chose it, though, for all I can think of is Adam Lambert rocking the hell out of this song last season. Katie’s version lacks finesse, but it’s passable, and she’ll make it through.
Ellen calls it good and powerful but she’s 17! And the song was conservative, and Katie should be more modern and younger. Simon totally agrees and warns her against becoming annoying. She’s 17! Very pageanty. Kara wonders could Katie hear herself, because she was pitchy and that’s not like her. Randy says she was sharp but that she’s got a big voice and then says she reminds him of Jordin Sparks but to young things up.
Paige might be in serious trouble—she went first, and that can be the kiss of death. Ashley was not memorable at all; Janell sang Heart (poorly), another kiss of death. Lilly was refreshing; Katelyn was going for Best Supporting Actress instead of American Idol; Haeley Vaughn was one of two people who I actually enjoyed watching, though not listening to. Lacey is dead meat; Michelle gyrated and sang Alicia Keys while her fellow girls made fun of her; Didi frightened the microphone. Siobhan sang a dark song that I liked; Crystal rocked the hell out of us with a guitar and harmonica; and Katie Stevens, only 17!, sang a too-old song very well.
So it’s Lacey and someone else leaving us Thursday for the girls. For the boys, Todrick Hall, Tyler Grady, Aaron Kelly, John Park, Andrew Garcia, Lee Dewyze, Joe Munoz, Tim Urban, Michael Lynche, Casey James, Alex Lambert, Jermaine Sellers is Wednesday evening’s lineup, in case anyone cares.
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