This is Not a Lifetime Movie
by Mordant Monkey
We’re in L.A.! Home of Ryan Seacrest’s radio show, where he is announcing that 11,000 hopefuls are at the Rose Bowl. “For over 100 years, people from around the globe have come to Hollywood in the name of fame,” Ryan tells us. Well, if we can’t find the next American Idol here, maybe he or she just doesn’t exist.
Avril Lavigne is our guest judge, wearing a hoodie with … horns. This promises to be interesting.
Neil Goldstein, 19, of Redlands, CA, has the thickest hair and loves to perform. He has an IQ of 168 and calls himself a geek. He reminds me of Jeff Healey, god rest his soul. Neil is wearing an odd ensemble of blue rayon shirt and black and white and silver vest. And he’s sweating like mad. And he has a very annoying habit of clucking after he speaks. Like a nervous tic or something.
He’s going to sing “Rock ‘N’ Roll Dreams Come True” by Meatloaf. Perfect. A deep sigh, and … after singing “Remember everything that I’ve told you,” he promptly forgets the words. “That’s ironic,” notes Simon wryly. He continues, treating us to a goat vibrato. Avril makes a face that demonstrates exactly how I feel.
Simon tries to convince Neil that he sucks, and Neil tries to convince Simon that he’s not leaving because he is going to move on to the next round. Neil is just tiresome. So glad we’ve wasted all this time on this dweeb.
Now they’re showing that Simon opened a door earlier on Neil and didn’t apologize. So what’s their point? That Simon is a god in his own little Simon world? And this is news??
It’s sunny in SoCal! Jim Ranger, 27, is from Bakersfield, CA, and he’s a worship pastor. He’s singing an original song called “Drive.” “It’s hard to impress them with an original song,” warns Ryan, talking to Jim’s family in the hallway.
But I like this song and I like Jim. I don’t think I’m the only one, either. “Authentic,” Simon says about the voice. Avril warns him, “It’s difficult out there on the road,” regarding leaving family behind. Didn’t she just get a divorce? Avril says no, Kara is worried about him not being able to still go to church if he makes it. Since when are the judges meant to make judgments based on contestants’ jobs? Anyway, despite the two harpies, Jim makes it through.
Jayson Wilson, 19, of Seattle, WA, has an enormous mouth and a terrible voice; Jesse Chang, 23, of Granada Hills … I don’t even know what the hell that was. Martin Perez, 18, of Northridge, CA, failed to impress with his Elvis impersonation.
Damien Lefavor, 26, of Seattle, WA, is another complete freak. He’s on the roof doing martial arts poorly, leaping about like an eejit. He’s also wearing a suit and tie. He makes sandwiches for a living and says that pepperoni is the most popular currently. Good to know!
So he’s singing “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” by the Everly Brothers. And he sounds like he’s got a bad case of constipation. Then he hurts something. That was just weird. “I choked badly,” says Damien afterward.
Mary Powers, 28, of Burbank, CA, is a hot mess of wannabe punk trashy clothes and has an 8-year-old daughter who loves Simon. Mary sings Pat Benetar’s “Love is a Battlefield,” which comes across weirdly to me, as it’s very jerky. Simon likes her voice but thinks everything about her is very cliché. But everyone likes her well enough, and she’s through with four yeses.
Ryan brings in the daughter to meet Simon and tells him, “She likes you because you’re mean.” “Are you sure this isn’t my daughter?” inquires Simon.
A bunch of Adam wannabes, ending with this guy who recorded a demo and then sent a copy to Adam Lambert, who evidently had nothing but good things to say about it. A.J. Mendoza, 20, of Upland, CA, announces he’s going to sing “Cult of Personality” by Living Color, which is just horrible. The judges obviously think this guy is a joke. This is just obnoxious. “This is a very easy no,” says Simon. A.J. begs for another try, but he’s out of there.
It’s Day Two, and instead of Avril, we have Katie Perry. Looking gorgeous! The other judges are arriving by helicopter, and Katie says, “I think that’s ridiculous.” What the hell?
Oh god, not more freaks. I mean, I know it’s L.A. and all, but give us a break, show. Austin Fullmer, 19, of Glendale, CA, is dancing like a rubber band and just looking gross, and then he says, “I don’t think there’s anybody on ‘American Idol’ that’s sexually ever been like me.” Um, what the hell is that supposed to mean? I mean, it’s kind of obvious which team he’s batting for, but what?
Oh, and he’s rocking the vinyl red and black striped shirt and vinyl silver pants. God! He announces he’s going to sing “Surrender” by Cheap Trick and then throws down like he’s starring in an off-Broadway production of “West Side Story” or something. He dances and sings like Mick Jagger, actually. Even with a weird fake English accent. It’s kind of riveting in a gory car-crashing manner.
“Can’t you just clean water?” Simon wants to know. “This is my purpose in life, I think,” Austin counters. It’s four very uncomfortable nos from the judges. Austin leaves thinking that while Simon was intimidated by his manliness, Katie Perry will be calling him later.
Contestants being turned down and getting nos. Ryan comforting them. Crying. Crying. Crying. Wailing. It’s the Crying Girl! Sanjaya’s number-one fan! Awesome!
Andrew Garcia ,23, of Moreno Valley, CA, is a dad. Wow, that’s original. Oh, his parents used to be in gangs, but they got out and then moved so that their kids would not get involved in gangs. Okay. Well, with all this backstory, he must be in.
He’s got a Danny Gokey voice, sort of raspy, but not nearly as annoyingly loud. Singing “Sunday Morning” by Maroon 5, he impresses all of the judges. “A genuinely, genuinely good, good singer,” states Simon. He’s through with four yeses.
Tasha Layton, 26, of Granada Hills, CA, is a personal assistant by day and a minister at night. Her “Baby, Baby, Baby” by Joss Stone wins accolades from the judges. It’s effortless and she seems like a nice person, unaffected. It’s four yeses!
Yet another freakshow. Jason Greene, 21, of Los Angeles, CA, is going to win a Golden Ticket because he believes in magic. Christ. He vamps his way through the judges, flirts with the girls, tells Randy to hold his horses, and then breaks into “I Touch Myself,” throwing back his hair and messing up the words. Then he starts strutting around the place and doing arm gestures and then gets down on his knees. Kara is blowing kisses at him, which is disgusting. Jason invites Simon to join him on the floor, and then things just get grosser and grosser. Katie says, “I feel … dirty.” “Katie, you make me feel dirty,” Jason announces. “It takes a lot for me to feel dirty,” Katie tries to explain, and Jason comes back with, “I’m sure it does. Especially with that top.” Finally he undulates his way out. “I’ll see you next year,” smiles Jason sinuously. Eyew. Then he tells Ryan that the judges enjoyed every inch of him and then hands Ryan his phone number. “Call me, Ryan. Anytime. I’m serious.” Jason has serious, serious issues.
The last contestant, Chris Golightly, 25, of Los Angeles, CA, grew up in foster care and has the kinkiest hair I think I’ve ever seen. He’s lived with over 25 families. That’s awful. “As I was a kid, I just was so wanting to be loved,” he tells us.
He’s singing “Stand By Me” rather excellently. Smooth, mellow voice, lots of emotion. Kara waxes rhapsodical about his pain and his story and his past, but Katie snaps things back into perspective by reminding us, “This is not a ‘Lifetime’ movie, sweetheart.” Simon’s not jumping out of his chair, but gives him a yes with a small y. So does Katie. Kara and Randy give him yeses with giant y’s. And Chris is through, along with 22 others. Really? That’s all? Just 22 from L.A. And we got to see only, what, five of them? Wow, I am underwhelmed. “That’s L.A.,” Ryan says for some reason.
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