This Is Already Strange

This Is Already Strange

 

by Mordant Monkey

 

 

Well, this is it—the first post-Hollywood Week episode. There’s the classic line-up of the contestants on the stairs, as Ryan tells us that this group of twelve has made it through to face the toughest audience of all—you. Ryan already looks a bit tired, which doesn’t bode well. Again he tells us that out of over 100,000 hopeful contestants, we’re down to 36, and they’re handing over their future to you. Alright already, Ryan.

 

 

Shots of the judges, and Ryan makes a comment about it starting to look like The View. Randy is wearing a weird black and white scarf, Kara is freaking out, Paula looks sober … ish … and Simon looks flat bored. Spiffy.

 

This … is A-MER-ican Idol!

Ryan asks the judges for their advice for the contestants, as if they’re not already worried enough. Randy says that they gotta be in it to win it tonight—as opposed to every other night, I expect. Good lookin’ out, Randy. Kara still looks nervous as hell and says to just be yourself and go for it, which we’ll see doesn’t work out well at all for some. Paula advises the contestants to hit center stage and go for it, then stammers around for a bit and trails off as Simon fixes her with a look. Then Simon sums it up by saying that there are no second chances and that he likes Ryan’s new hair and then asks him has he seen that movie, Single White Female. What? I’m at sea. Ryan gives him a quizzical look and says, “Thank you, Silver Fox,” and then turns back to the camera and says, “This is already strange.” Yes, it is, and that doesn’t bode well, either. But what did we expect, honestly? 

 

Ryan goes over the new rules for this season—three groups of twelve are going to perform, and only three will make it through each week. So basically each contestant has a 25% chance of making it through at this point. I’ve heard better odds.

 

The theme for the night: Hits from the Billboard Hot 100 since the beginning of time. So that’s giving the contestants plenty of rope with which to hang themselves. Excellent.

 

Jackie Tohn is up first. They show her audition, complete with the window falling on the judges, and then she tells us in her interview that he main goal is to get Paula on her feet. Which isn’t exactly setting the bar too high. She sings “A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis, and dear god what is she wearing? A black and white polka dot strapless top with a cameo pinned to it paired with black shiny spandex pants and an enormous red belt and huge white sneakers and a gold guitar necklace… it’s like a train wreck. She’s singing and dancing around and it’s all kind of manic and twitchy, and then I realize she’s Taylor Hicks in female form. She’s not bad-sounding, and she’s having a great time. That can go a long way sometimes.

 

Randy says way to start Season Eight off! He thought she had good energy and was entertaining. Kara looks impressed and tells her that she can really work a stage and that it was great. Randy then interrupts and tells her that he likes her trousers, and Jackie responds, “The trousers like you, sir.” Then there’s an endless exchange about Randy and spandex pants and Journey, and then Jackie thanks Randy for lending her his pants. Paula tells her it wasn’t a perfect performance, but perfect performances are boring. This is true to an extent, I admit, but aren’t you encouraging the contestants in the wrong direction by telling them that? Simon says that she’s a good performer but she played the clown, that it was a bit gimmicky and ungainly. He doesn’t think she did herself any favors tonight and that the public won’t like it. Basically she blew her one opportunity. And he hated what she wore. Quite, Simon.

 

In the red room with Ryan, Jackie’s parents are there, and they’re very proud. Jackie says she has no regrets, despite what Simon said, and she wants to entertain people. 

 

Ricky Braddy is going second. There’s something about him frying chicken fingers not too long ago. Ricky looks a bit like a young Tom Hulce, I think. He needs a new hairdo, but he’s got nice eyes and a sweet smile and a “gosh golly gee” expression. He’s singing “A Song for You” by Leon Russell. Which is easily the most boring song of the evening, which is too bad. He’s great on it and his phrasing is excellent, but it’s a wretched song. His falsetto is good, and he has a sweet finish. I love his burgundy velvet jacket with the jeans, too. 

 

Randy says he had a great tone and a nice voice, and way to jump it off. Kara tells him that he killed the song, and Paula says he deserves to go very far in the competition. Simon tells him he’s not jumping out of his chair and that he doesn’t think Ricky has star quality. Well, what a way to ruin a moment, Simon. 

 

Back with Ryan are Ricky’s parents with their “The Braddy Bunch” tee shirts on. Awesome. Ricky’s eyes are sparkling, and his parents love him, and it’s great.

 

Alexis Grace shows us how she’s dirtied up her look for the show, which … maybe, but pink streaks in one’s hair does not a dirtpunk make. She’s singing “Never Loved a Man” by Aretha Franklin. And she’s wearing what appears to be a skin-tight black negligee with fake pearls and fake eyelashes and red red lips. Yikes. She’s very fierce with the song, displaying a lot of attitude, but when she needed more power, it didn’t come through for her. Which was kind of a problem with a big song like that.

 

Randy tells her she worked it out, and Kara says that the genie is out of the bottle and that she’s a new girl tonight. That’s certainly true. I wonder how her fiancé feels about her prancing around stage half-naked. Paula rambles something, and Simon tells she that she’s the best contestant yet. Out of three total, I wouldn’t get cocky yet, Alexis.

 

There’s Ted Danson with Neil Patrick Harris in the audience. Okay …

 

Brent Keith, instead of getting his interview on screen, gets a still shot of Stevie Wright. Technical difficulties. Eventually it gets sorted out and goes to his backstory, and there’s yet another clip of him with his family, and yet another shot of his audition, in which Paula and Kara were under the table. He’s singing “Hicktown,” and even though I’m not familiar with it, I already have a bad feeling starting. Seriously, out of the hundreds of thousands of songs, this song? Why? There’s a weak start, and he lacks the power for the song, and it’s wishy-washy and flat.

 

Some nonsense about a chili cook-off between Brent, Randy, and Simon comes out of Randy’s mouth. Then he tells him that he likes Brent as a country artist. Kara thinks the song was too safe for him and that there’s more in him than what he showed. Paula agrees that he’s a country artist and that he’s a star like Bucky Covington. Uh, Bucky Covington? Simon asks, quite reasonably, “What has happened to Bucky Covington?” which elicits a snort of laughter from me. Simon gets serious and tells Brent that the contestants only have one shot and that his song was unoriginal and forgettable and had no impact.

 

At this point Brent pipes up and says, “Personally, I don’t believe country fans will forget that.” Yeah, another karaoke version of a mediocre (at best) song. Sure they won’t forget it, Brent. You have a lot to learn, I think.

 

In the red room, Brent’s wife kisses him, and Brent tells us he thinks he made the right choice, and Ryan doesn’t agree or disagree but points out that there’s money to be made in country music. That’s about the best spin to put on that, I guess.

 

Stevie Wright with her huge smile! She’s singing “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift. It’s bad. Weak, breathy, indecisive. I mean, there’s like three notes in the song, so it’s not as if it’s a difficult one, but holy cow. Maybe her nerves got the better of her. And she could’ve smartened up a bit. She’s wearing a blue tank top, white lace shrug, skintight black pants, a belt that is huge, and sneakers. 

 

Randy says that he was not, not, not feelin’ it. He tells her that she’s a better singer than the song, and how exactly does that make sense again? Kara wonders vaguely who Stevie is, and Paula doesn’t know who she is either but knows that the song was wrong for whoever she might be. Simon tells her flatly, “It was terrible.” It really was, too. I like Stevie a lot as a person, but she’s toast. Kara apparently thought that was harsh of him to say just outright like that—she’s got a long way to go and a lot to learn—and asks, “We don’t have to kill her now, do we?” Paula points out the bloody obvious that America will vote and decide, and even though we all must applaud the democratic way, it’s even more obvious that she won’t be around after tonight. Simon tries to make nice and tells her that now she’s got some experience and can learn from it.

 

Back with Ryan and the parents, and they’re confused about the judges’ commentary because parents just can’t be objective, and neither should they be. Stevie’s like, eh, I had fun, whatever.

 

Anoop Desai! Telling us that “every song I sing has all of me in it.” That’s a good way to go about things, I think. He’s singing “Angel of Mine” by Monica. Er, okay. His eyes are sparkly, he’s got some good runs, and he sounds really strong. The problem here is that the song isn’t memorable and neither is the performance. Well, the other problem is that I know Danny Gokey is going to get the pimp spot tonight (or Tatiana), and with only three people coming back, Anoop really would have needed to stand out more than he did. But we’ll see.

 

Randy has mad love for Anoop but thought he was sharp on the song. Kara says it was a hard song and that he lacked the ability to do the riffs but that she likes him. Great, thanks Kara. Paula tells him that America has connected with him and that he has a Brian McKnight feel to his voice. Simon is mystified as to why Anoop chose that song in the first place and thinks it’s too serious and grown-up for him. Anoop tries to explain that the song is about saying thank you and being grateful, and he’s totally serious. Simon tells him that he’s got a massive likeability factor going for him.

 

Anoop’s parents say that it was incredible to watch him, and Anoop says he was nervous but gives props to Ricky Minor and the band and looks extremely relieved that that’s over.

 

Bubble tea server Casey Carlson is wearing some kind of gold bag as a skirt with a black top, black booties, a strange chevron necklace, and enormous hair. And she’s singing “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” by The Police. Seriously? I don’t have time to ruminate on this choice, because the second she starts singing, she starts making these bizarre and rather frightening expressions, including snarling and winking and flicking her tongue, and eyew. I’m really grossed out by this. I feel dirty. On a certain level it’s amusing, but mostly it’s just painful, and she can’t sing for squat. Honestly, if I were watching this and didn’t know better, I would guess that it was an audition to be the world’s cheesiest lounge lizard, not her one and only chance to show the world why she should be the next American Idol.

 

Randy’s actually speechless, it was so bad, and then sums it up by saying, “The Dawg was lost.” No shit. Kara sings, “Everything About That Was Wrong” and then tells her that you don’t touch those songs and that it was desperately overdone and the dancing was weird and it fell very flat. So … songs by The Police are now off-limits as well as Mariah and Celine? Paula starts off with the classic “you’re a beautiful girl” but then tells her it was the wrong song and the phrasing was weird, and Casey just looks shocked by this. Cleverly, Simon asks her how she thought it went. Heh. Cleverly, Casey manages to avoid answering with a yes or no but tells him that she had fun. Then Simon basically flays her alive, telling her that it was atrocious, the song was horrible, the arrangement was horrible, and that she threw away a massive opportunity. Paula then adds that she’s got to watch the facial expressions and the winking. I think it’s a moot point, because after that fiasco there’s no way we’re going to have to face another horror like that again from her.

 

Casey hugs Tatiana on her way back to the red room and then her mom, who tells her that she was awesome and that she’s proud of her. Casey says that the judges were right about the song, hindsight being what it is, and that she had a blast. Awesomely, her mom yells, “Vote for Casey!” Moms rule.

 

Next up is Michael Sarver, whom Ryan refers to as “my twin.” Er … anyway. Michael’s singing “I Don’t Want to Be” by Gavin DeGraw, and he hopes that this song encourages others the way it has him that it’s okay to just be yourself. I actually expect this to be quite good and am very disappointed when it is not. Michael’s obviously having fun performing, and that’s fine and all, but he can’t hit the notes, and I hate the arrangement, and he’s starting to look like a bobblehead doll with his head movements. Not good. 

 

Randy says that there were good parts but it was pitchy, and what happened to the soul thing? Kara says that the song is a great crowd-pleaser, which has what to do with anything, I’d like to know? She adds that it wasn’t the best performance and tells him he’s likeable but it was not the best song. Paula says that he showed us a different side and that it’s distracting when he changes hands with the mic, and Gavin is a great artist and a fan of the show and that she’s sure he did Gavin proud. Personally, I’m not sure at all about that. Simon starts off by reminding him that people like him get an opportunity and that even thought they like Michael, it wasn’t the best vocal, but if he makes it through it’s because people like him, and he hopes America will pick up the phone for him. This is a slice of that kinder, gentler Simon we’ve seen several times this season, is it?

 

Michael’s wife tells Ryan that she always says “Sing pretty” to Michael before he performs. Ryan thinks this is odd and then goes on for a bit about the sheer goodness that radiates from Michael. And Ryan is really orange-looking next to the paleness of Michael. Yikes, Ryan.

 

Anne Marie Boskovich. My one hope to unseat Tatiana tonight and get her the hell off the show. Well … she’s singing “Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin, and I’m already worried. With good reason, it turns out. It’s too shouty by half, and she’s not smiling, she’s wooden, and she looks, frankly, terrified out of her wits. Like a deer in headlights. About to be run over by the four judges in a Hummer. Oh, this is painful.

 

Randy pulls a Simon and asks how she thinks she did, and astonishingly, Anne Marie thinks she did pretty good. She will not feel that way tomorrow, I think, after she watches herself sucking it up all over the place. Randy tells her it was the wrong song, and compared to the other girls who have done that song in the past on the show, it was sub-par. Anne Marie now finally catches on to the fact that it was, indeed, not a good performance and that Randy was really setting her up when he asked her how she thought she did. Kara says that the song is so big, you have to kill it if you sing it, and then tells her she should be younger and have more fun. Paula thinks she did better than in Hollywood Week and that it was a huge song but she gave it her all, and then Simon asks her if he can be honest with her. Rut roh. He says that if they were searching for the best hotel singer in California, that would’ve been good. But her voice isn’t good enough for that song and isn’t good enough for the real world. 

 

Ryan is sitting with two ladies who look exactly like Anne Marie—mom and sis, I assume?—and then Anne Marie sits down awkwardly and gives us a weird look and says, “Oh, I just sat right on the hard part,” referring to the crack in the sofa. Oh, Ryan’s face is just absolutely priceless, because you can just see all of the things he wants so badly to say flicker across his face before he remembers that it’s a family show, dammit, and then he recovers just long enough to remind us to dial 09 for Anne Marie. That was easily the high point of the show tonight.

 

Stephen “Soul Glo” Fowler, lyric forgetter extraordinaire, promises solemnly to not forget the lyrics tonight, and then they show him forgetting the lyrics on solo night in Hollywood. And he’s singing … “Rock With You” by Michael Jackson. Oh hell no. Seriously??? Oh dear lord. I laugh out loud when he sings “And we can ride the boogie.” It’s even more ‘70s than the ‘70s were. Holy cow. His vocals aren’t absolutely horrible, but I mean, come on with the song choice already. What was he thinking? I feel like I’m insane.

 

“I don’t know what is going on,” Randy tells him. My sentiments exactly, Randy. Stephen already looks pissed, and Randy delivers the understatement of the evening by telling him it wasn’t the right song choice and it was pitchy and, in short, not good. Kara tells him that she got more from him at the piano and forgetting the lyrics. Paula is glad he remembered the lyrics but that singing “Rock With You” is the kiss of death because that song belongs to Michael Jackson. So add him to the list of forbidden artists, as well as The Police, I guess. Simon snaps that he wishes he had forgotten the lyrics. It was a pointless performance and a terrible song and a terrible arrangement and a huge mistake and corny. Well, that’ll learn him. I’m pretty confident in saying that that’s the last we’ll be seeing of Stephen and the last time we’ll have to hear that he forgot his lyrics during Hollywood Week.

 

Tatiana is next. God have I been dreading this moment in time. In her interview she cries and tells us that Hollywood Week was hurtful and people judged her. Poor, poor Tatiana. Then she says, “It was a fight because I’m not going to let anyone get in the way of my dream, and this is my dream.” And this is my nightmare.

 

Because she’s actually really good. She sings “Saving All My Love for You” by Whitney Houston, which I thought was another one of the untouchables, but whatever. It’s controlled and phrased well and then crescendos into more power until she’s wailing away at the end, and it’s a bit shouty but no big deal. She nails it. I want to off myself.

 

Randy was apprehensive at first, but there were moments where he was impressed, there were moments, there were moments. How many moments does that make? Kara says it’s like a roller coaster ride with her, up down back forward left right, and now I’m getting dizzy. She’s puzzled, though, at the new, subdued Tatiana, as am I, but I’m not puzzled enough to be drawn in by this, unlike Kara, apparently. Paula also comments on the demure Tatiana of tonight and says that the closing note of the song was beautiful and then wonders who Tatiana really is. Tatiana takes this opportunity to tell the world that she’s not usually like she was in Hollywood, which I find hard to swallow, and so does Simon, for he tells her that she’s a drama queen. Tatiana then says that she wants to market herself, which … then Simon tells her that the song wasn’t bad at all but that she has to lose the demure thing. And I’m confused. I thought Simon hated the annoying psycho hosebeast Tatiana a lot and didn’t want to put her through, and now he’s telling her that being normal is bad and that she should go back to being irritating? 

 

Ryan’s in the red room with Tatiana’s cousins, and Tatiana tells us that everyone is cousins in Puerto Rico. So … they’re not her cousins? Whatever. Ryan, also taken aback by this new Tatiana, asks who is Tatiana. Tatiana explains to Ryan that she is a woman and multifaceted and she didn’t know she was going to react the way she did in Hollywood but that she’s always herself. Then there’s the terrible giggle, and three of the other girls exchange glances that speak volumes. She then rubs Ryan’s shoulder, which distracts him more than it should, and Tatiana pleads with America to vote for her and help her keep her dream alive. Barf.

 

In the pimp spot—who didn’t know that?—Danny Gokey feels it necessary to once again remind us that his wife died four weeks before he auditioned for the show. And because he’s nauseatingly inspirational and wants to inspire people to be inspired, he’s singing “Hero” by Mariah Carey. I do like Danny, but he needs to get another angle and fast before he starts becoming any more gratingly inspirational. Paula’s on her feet before the end of the first verse. His vocals are strong and he really connects with the song, and when he goes into his falsetto he just nails it. The big note at the end gives me chills. And the last time that happened on this show, Jordin Sparks was singing “I, Who Have Nothing” for the first time, so that’s really rare. 

 

The judges are screaming, literally screaming. Randy calls Danny the “redeemer of the night,” which must’ve made the other eleven feel like crap, and says it was blazing hot. Kara says that Danny’s given them all hope, which again must’ve made the other eleven feel like crap, and she slams her firsts on the table to emphasize her point, which is that Danny is obviously headed for the finals and the rest of the group can go pound salt. Paula says, “Sold-out arenas,” and calls it a night, luckily. Bringing us back to the real world, Simon says that it was good, not fantastic, and that the arrangement was heavy-handed. “I like you, but I’m just not buying the hype right now,” he warns Danny, who blinks at Simon mildly but inwardly knows that no one and nothing is going to hold him back from the road to world domination that he has set himself on.

 

Ryan tells Simon, “There was part of tonight where I actually believed you have that organ we all have.” This mightn’t have been so funny if Ryan hadn’t punctuated this statement by holding his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart from each other, but he did, and while Simon sits there wondering what the hell Ryan was talking about, Danny straight bursts into laughter. Ryan sees Simon’s confusion and says, “You didn’t get that, did you? We’ll explain it later.” That was just awesome. 

 

Ryan asks Danny what went through his head when he was singing that song, and Danny said that he was picturing people rising above and knowing that they have a future no matter how bad things are. Seriously. Danny, enough already, give us a break, eh?

 

In summary: The best performances of the evening belonged to Danny and Tatiana, which I can’t believe I’m saying that but there it is there, so there’s about a 99% chance that they’ll be two-thirds of those making it through to the final 12. As for the third, I’m not sure. I’m guessing either Anoop and Ricky. Can Brent pull in the massive country vote, even though he sucked? It could happen. Everyone else sucked some more, but sucking the most were Anne Marie Boskovich, which is extremely disappointing to me, and Stephen Fowler, which doesn’t disappoint me at all.