There’s Calamari Backstage
by Mordant Monkey
With Anoop Desai and Scott McIntyre in the bottom two, it came down to Scott McIntyre being eliminated from American Idol.
There’s a recap of last night’s performances, with the contestants either getting praised for no reason or flayed alive by the judges, with the exception of Adam, in highly dramatic form. Then Ryan announces that Flo Rida and Kelli Pickler are here to perform, and oh, there’s some results too. In case, you know, anyone is interested.
Ryan quizzes the judges, and Randy sizes up the week as disappointing, flat, and off. Nice. Kara informs us that some contestants who were frontrunners are falling behind and are unsure of who they are as artists, while others are really sure and are delivering every week. Ryan then introduces a song from the year Simon was born: “Venus” by Frankie Avalon (1959). Frankie’s singing it on what seems to be quite an old television show, but then, there IS Frankie Avalon, in the flesh, singing to Simon and throwing kisses to the audience. Awesome! Simon quips that Ryan and Frankie they look like twins. Yep, it’s the fake tan.
Time for the group synch! It’s a song from the year Idol was born: “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” by Kylie Minogue. The boys are singing the la la las, and Allison is singing the actual words, and then Lil comes in and the song goes from not very pleasing to really horrible, and it never improves from there. I mean, it’s really bad. Even Adam can’t save this fiasco. I mean, what the hell is going on? Did they really just not realize how crappy this sounded when they were rehearsing it? Plus the choreography is lousy. If you’ve seen Adam Lambert’s “I Make You Crazy” video on YouTube.com, you realize how lame this crap must seem to him. And Danny Gokey? Please do not attempt to dance again. Like, ever.
Easily the worst group performance of the season. Yikes.
Next, the Magic Show that is the Ford commercial. The contestants are all covered in glittering eye make-up and wearing capes and trench coats and cool costumes while performing a magic show in an old theater that somehow involves Ford cars. It’s not the worst, but I think it could’ve been a whole lot more dramatic. Eh.
Back in the real world with Ryan, Anoop tells us he didn’t like the glitter and was the last hold-out. Adam tells us, for some reason, that he was extremely honored and flattered by Simon’s standing ovation and he is very humble while doing so. Matt tells us that the mayor of Kalamazoo is here tonight and that he used to come hear Matt sing when Matt couldn’t get ten people to do so. That’s pretty cool.
Allison Iraheta was announced as being safe fairly early in the episode.
Okay, and now for some results! Ada, Kris, and Anoop, please stand up. The judges now give Adam the feedback they should’ve given him last night but couldn’t because they can’t fit an hour-long show into an hour and of course he’s safe. He’s also wearing a black-and-white striped tee shirt with the Rolling Stones lips on it … in rainbow hues. Kris is safe, and Anoop is in the bottom three.
Flo Rida is here! Singing “Right Round,” which turns out is sampled from Dead or Alive’s song. Talk about major bling on Flo Rida’s hoodie. There’s some awkward dancing that looks unrehearsed, plus a girl wearing green and red lycra prancing around the stage aimlessly and singing the chorus. Finally ribbons and confetti explode into the air, covering Flo Rida and getting in his eyes and all over his sweaty head, and then he’s gone.
Danny is safe, Matt gets psyched out by Ryan but is safe. Scott looks like a lumberjack in a blue-and-white checked flannel and stubble, and he’s in the bottom three. Allison is wearing a blue-and-black checked dress as a shirt and is safe, while Lil is rounding out the bottom three for the first time. Simon says that there’s one person in particular who they would consider saving. Lil, I’d imagine, but eyew.
God, Kelli Pickler. Fast forward. Okay, there’s a cute bit at the end where she wants to stay and chat with Ryan, and he’s trying like crazy to get her the hell off the stage. She’s like, “Is that it?” and Ryan’s like, Yep, pretty much. So Kelli doesn’t know which way to go, and Ryan points her in the right direction and then says, “There’s calamari backstage, Kelli.” That was funny.
Ryan sends Lil back to safety and then addresses the two boys. Out of 34 million votes, he tells them and us, only 30,000 separated you two. Wow! And Scott is the lowest vote-getter. Anoop blinks in surprise, and Paula looks sad. So next week we can count on Anoop being gone, then? I’m just sayin’.
Scott sings again, and the judges are split. Unfortunately for Scott, the half that wanted him to stay did not include Simon. “I can please you another week, Simon,” he pleads. Oh Scott, don’t beg. Please don’t beg. Finally, irritated with the whole business, Simon tells him that it’s the end of the road. Well, we can’t say we didn’t see that coming.
Next week’s theme: Songs from the movies. Next week’s mentor: Quentin Tarantino. Uhhhhhh …
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