The Only Time You Should Be Nervous Is If You’re Useless
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the guys tonight, which contradicts what the information on my television says, which is that the top ten females perform. But whatever.
Ah, Ryan explains that the women were slated to perform tonight, but Crystal became ill and went to the hospital this morning and was ordered by a doctor to not perform tonight. So … she’ll be all better tomorrow night? What the hell?
Ryan slaps the last guy on the back as he files past him—it was Lee Dewyze—then introduces the judges. Randy, wearing a bright blue cardigan, says that the last-minute change won’t affect anything, which I don’t believe for a second. Ellen misses “American Gladiators” and “Bewitched” but has never missed one of her own shows, as Crystal has. Ryan and Ellen were once in bed together, and then Kara begins talking about something, but her windtunnel-tested hairdo and is too distracting for me to figure out what. Simon says the girls are winning over the guys by a smidge, and away we go.
Billboard hits is the theme tonight—again—and what we don’t know about Big Mike is that he loves performing in the theatre. And he dances like an idiot, evidently. And he played football. We see Mike bench-pressing Alex Lambert and then Mike says he pressed 505 pounds. That seems a lot? He clarifies that it’s about three Ryan Seacrests.
“It’s a Man’s World” by James Brown is what he chose, which doesn’t ring any bells. And a very dramatic start, minimal instruments. It’s too bad this song has no actual tune. But on a positive note, Mike looks very nice in all black, very slimming. The white-soled vinyl tennis shoes are distracting, but it’s not a bad look on the whole.
Randy gives him a standing ovation … which doesn’t have nearly the same meaning as when Simon did it that one time for Dave Cook. Ellen loves the song, Kara didn’t get Mike until tonight but now thinks he owned the song, and Simon says, “It was like from being a pussycat to a lion in one week.” It was exactly the right song and it suited him, but it didn’t sound dated.
On a side note: Is Kara black? Because she has some weird mannerisms, like the head motions and the hands … I don’t know, it’s just strange, and I don’t remember her being like that last season.
In the circular Coke room, Ryan is talking to John Park, who is dressed like a normal person with a white tee shirt and jeans. I won’t even get in to Jermaine Sellers.
John’s first language is Korean—English is his second language. He says that standing up in front of the judges and getting ripped on is the hardest thing.
John’s going a little more current this week with “Gravity” by John Mayer, which delights me. He’s on a bar stool and somehow makes the microphone look like a great accessory rather than a microphone. The song could be a bit faster—it’s a bit dirge-like—but John’s voice is nice on this song, and he puts feeling into it. It’s a solid performance but boring.
Randy wants something new or spicy on that song because it wasn’t as good or as special as it should’ve been. Ellen likes it but wanted more soul. Kara says it’s way better than last week but he wasn’t connected to the song and it was too safe. Simon thinks John’s in trouble and that he might be leaving this week.
Ryan wants to argue with Simon, who basically says John will never be a star and that’s what he meant. Ellen disagrees and says that John could be a star. That seems to be her shtick: She consistently negates anything negative any of the other three judges say to the contestants. What’s the point of having her if she’s not going to be witty and smart alec-y?
Casey James is next. Oh please god may they not bring up the Kara crush yet again. And he’s picked “I Don’t Want to Be” by Gavin DeGraw. Casey wants us to know that his house was struck by lightning when he was 7 and he never watched TV after that. He restored his house instead. As far as a pre-show ritual, he’s not giving up the information because he’s afraid the other contestants might steal it.
So he’s wailing away on the electric guitar, and since I love Gavin DeGraw, I’m terribly critical. Casey’s version falls flat, very flat. It lacks energy and the growly, gutteralness that this song should have. His phrasing is too short as well. How can he sing this song and not move to the beat? It’s such a great beat. I’m underwhelmed. Mini guitar solo at the end. Still underwhelmed.
Randy babbles incoherently for a few minutes about Hendrix and Texas and Stevie Ray and strats and a bunch of other crap but liked the song. Ellen says you can’t go wrong with that song—uh, yes, you can—and then says he was too stiff on the stage. Kara says the cougar is a fan but that Casey took two steps backward tonight. She reminds us that it’s a singing competition, not a guitar competition, and that he was all about the guitar tonight. Simon snarks, “Did he not return your calls then?” Awesome. Simon is with Kahrah—he says Casey turned into any performer in any bar and says he lacked the necessary “grit” to make that authentic. “No grit?” “More like sand,” Simon avers. “More like dirt,” Kara pipes up. All right! We get it! It’s the backlash from the cougar jokes over the past month.
Alex Lambert and his mullet are next, and he’ll be playing his guitar. Ugly plaid blazer, yikes. Alex created his own language when he was in the sixth grade and he uses this language to compose songs. He demonstrates. It actually sounds a bit like Spanish—it’s kind of cool. And he has horrible stage fright that takes over his whole body. Oh my.
“Everybody Knows” by John Legends is his song. And he does have that frozen look at first but he smiles after the first verse and then warms up going into the chorus. He makes goofy faces when he sings, actually. Big breath before the last note, which was falsetto. Other than that, it was okay. He sings like a midget who’s smoked half his life, to me.
Randy says he has his own language, too—dawg—and says Alex has improved since last week and that he really enjoyed the performance. Ellen refers back to last week’s unripe banana and puts it in a brown paper bag to ripen it and he has a unique style and she likes it. Kara says everyone must be rooting for him and that he has an incredible, recordable voice and gives him props for his improvement. Simon says it was a million times better. And then he adds, “The only time you should be nervous is if you’re useless.” But Simon doesn’t think Alex is in it to win it and that he has no killer instinct. So he told him to buck up and that he’s a good singer.
Todrick is wearing a silver blazer and everything else all black. Ryan brings up the fact that last week Todrick got heat because of the new version of the Kelly Clarkson song, and Todrick says he didn’t change his song this week too much. He’s singing Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” Todrick began dancing at 9 years of age in “The Nutcracker” and he’s been dancing ever since. He does push-ups before he performs to get the blood flowing.
It’s a slower version, but he puts in plenty of runs. I wish the back-up singers would drop dead, but there it is there. It gets dangerously close to sounding 70s, and then Todrick grabs the mic and repeats the chorus louder, and falsetto on the last note, and all in all not bad, but not great either.
Randy likes the falsetto run at the end but didn’t love the arrangement. “Just sing a nice song and just sing it,” he says. Ellen says don’t just sing—sing and move, because that’s his strength. She didn’t like the song but likes him. Kara agrees with Ellen and asks what happened to Todrick and why is he crazy and all over the place? Simon tells him to move but don’t sing, because this is not working out at all. Wow. Why are they being so hard on him? Did Kara make a pass at him as well?
Ryan asks what Todrick’s going to do next week, and Todrick says, if there is a next week, he’ll just sing like he did in church. “I thought that they wanted us to take songs and change them and make them our own, but I’m apparently doing it too much,” Todrick says. Quite right. The judges keep doling out “advice” that contradicts itself every other minute. It’s impossible to keep up with them if they keep changing their minds.
Jesus, Jermaine Seller. “It ain’t the clothes that make the person—it’s the person that makes the clothes. That’s why I rocks my onesie.” What the hell? Then a video clip of Jermaine in a one-piece article of clothing that’s camo and hideous. Okay, enough. Jermaine also steams his voice before he performs.
“What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye is way too slow and old-fashioned. Plus his hair is ridiculous, his pink bow tie is ridiculous, his black and pink polkadotted shirt is ridiculous. Jermaine, why are you on my screen? You were supposed to leave last week. The wailing and scatting is irritating as hell. Doesn’t he know that American don’t like jazz?
Randy says it’s better than last week but still not good. I know, right?? Ellen gives him a sheepish look and says she loves his style and his onesie but the song didn’t work for her. Kara says that he can do a lot of stuff with his voice and should do less—that the judges don’t need every trick in the book. Well, maybe Kara needs every trick. Simon says Jermaine waters down his songs and that nobody can take Jermaine seriously. Then Jermaine invites Simon to church with him, and Simon says he’ll go, and now I’m confused. Jermaine asks the judges what he should sing next week, and Simon rightly points out that Jermaine might not be here next week. Then Jermaine points to the ceiling and says, “I know God.” What?? So Christians don’t get eliminated from “Idol”? Riiiight. I think Jermaine drank too much Kool-Aid.
It’s 9:16 p.m. How many more ARE there? Andrew Garcia is next, and he was a breakdancer since middle school. Wow, really? People still do that? Shots of Andrew breakdancing. Shots of Andrew singing Fall Out Boy. Shots of Andrew’s ugly neck tattoo.
James Morrison’s “You Give Me Something” is Andrew’s song tonight. It’s pitchy, but when he’s on key, he sounds good. But I don’t think this was a good song for him. It’s flat, both note-wise and excitement-wise. A yelp-yodel (yolp? Yeldel?) at the end puts the final nail into the coffin for me.
Randy says it wasn’t the vibe for Andrew, and it was pitchy and all over the place. Jason Mraz, Randy says. Ellen boos and says she liked it a lot despite the pitch problems. Kara says he’s been going downhill since his acoustic “Straight Up.” Simon calls him frustrating for not choosing the right song, because there are billions of songs he could sing. “It was just okay, and you’re better than okay,” Simon tells him.
Aaron Kelly is next. He loves photography, and I like his pictures. He’s got quite a talent. Simon told him after his performance last week to believe in himself a bit, and he thought that was awesome.
“My Girl” by The Temptations. Why is everyone singing ancient songs? I don’t get it. But this is good. It’s not a contemporary version, but it’s certainly updated a bit with a country feel. And Aaron is confident and struts around the stage and rocks the song as much as the song can be rocked. Tremulous falsetto, but otherwise solid vocally.
Randy likes it, and Aaron can really sing! And he’s only 16!! Ellen likes the way he moved around and used the stage, but the song was forgettable, but he definitely has a great voice. Kara steals Ellen’s line and says she likes Aaron. Simon didn’t like the song and feels that Aaron went backward and that it was too old-fashioned. True.
Tim Urban is next, and he has four brothers and five sisters. Yikes! They’re all best friends. Well, that’s sweet. And Tim prays before he sings, evidently. Shots of Simon ripping Tim a new one last week after his dismal “Apologize.”
So this week he’s singing “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. Good choice, I think. Acoustic guitar is a good choice, too, but the salmon vee-necked tee is a mystery to me. Tim’s voice lacks polish and it sounds more like he’s speaking than singing the song. It’s not horrible, but it could be better. However, given this night’s performances, it’s pretty good.
Randy: Yo. Very karaoke, nothing special, nothing unique, pitch problems. Ellen: Do you act? Can you act? Because you should do that. Don’t sing. Any more. Just. Don’t. Sing. Kara: Liked the song choice but Tim didn’t make it his own. She’s frustrated because Tim’s cute but can’t sing. Well, gee, that sucks. Simon disagrees and says that he improved and was more relevant tonight than most of the other singers who just did karaoke and old songs. And the fact that Tim didn’t whine impressed Simon as well.
Lee Dewyze got the pimp slot. He used to sell paint and made bad choices in high school. He says he’s a nice guy who made bad decisions. He’s singing “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder. Interesting! Nice raspy voice, current song—Simon’s going to love this. Star background, minimal instruments until the chorus. I think this was a winner.
Randy wants to know why he didn’t bring his guitar. Oh shut up, Randy. Randy likes that he tried to take a chance and loves Lee and liked the song. Ellen says a couple of pitch problems but it doesn’t matter because it was a great performance. Kara thought it was a big improvement from last week and can hear him on the radio when he opens his voice. Uh, his mouth? Simon says vocally it was head and shoulders above everyone else, but self-belief-wise he looked terrified. I didn’t think he looked terrified. Simon says he’s waiting for him to totally connect but that he may be the one to beat.
In closing, Ryan asks Lee about a move he made to pull his pants off the ground, and I start singing to myself “Pants on the Ground.” So … the girls were supposed to sing but got a reprieve, or we did. Mike sang an old-fashioned crappy song about sexual discrimination, John told us about gravity, and Casey annoyed me with a milquetoast Gavin DeGraw impression. Alex has a great voice that he’s clueless about using, Todrick messed with a classic Tina Turner song, and Jermaine should’ve been gone a week ago. Andrew disappointed yet again with an ancient song, Aaron countried “My Girl” up, Tim didn’t do as badly as he did last week, and Lee was the one to beat tonight.
by 
