Sexy and Scary—It’s a Fine Line
by Mordant Monkey
It’s Hollywood time! After all the tedium of the auditions we’ve arrived at something that might finally resemble some singing. This is so exciting! And Ellen will be here at last, which is doubly exciting.
After a seven-city search, they’ve picked 181 hopefuls to vie for the American Idol title. And it seems like, in the opening scenes, 178 of them are weeping. I wonder if Simon is just letting loose on his last season with us.
It’s 7 a.m. in California on Day One, and all hopefuls have arrived. A blonde girl slips and falls coming off the bus. Perfect. Hordes of people run up a huge staircase at the Kodak Theatre. Oh, and there’s Ellen. She looks so … happy and cheerful. Well, it’s her first season. Give her a couple.
Ellen mocking Ryan gently, and then Ellen with the other judges. Simon has his arm around Ellen’s chair. They seem to have a good rapport already.
Okay, here’s the deal: In this sudden-death round, contestants can either sing a cappella or play an instrument. And we’re reminded of the insegrevious Ski Bow Ski and then Katie Stevens, the 17-year-old with the grandmother who has Alzheimer’s. She’s singing “For Once in My Life” and doing a weird little bobbing dance to it. But she’s got a big voice and nice control, and she’s only 17! “Actually, you’re quite good,” Simon tells her.
Ski Bow Ski. God. I haven’t had a rough enough week without this idiot? Antonio Wheeler, aka Ski Bow Ski, sings “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” passing well, but Ellen is frightened by him and says he reminds her of a hungry leopard prowling behind a cage. “But seriously, don’t frighten your audience … Sexy and scary—it’s a fine line,” Ellen cautions him.
The first group sends Ski Bow Ski and another dude home, but Katie is through. And Ski Bow Ski wants to know why the judges are letting him slip through their fingers. Sigh. Just go, Ski Bow Ski! Become Ski GO Ski!
Simon is on the warpath, Ryan warns us. And Ellen is kind of abrupt as well. Awesome. “Hollywood is a disgusting town,” she admonishes a shoeless girl.
Andrew Garcia, the guy who wants to save his struggling family and reminds me of Danny Gokey is, for some reason, singing a weird version of “Straight Up” with a guitar. And I actually like it. Way better than the original, in my humble opinion.
Kara calls it genius and then goes on for a hundred years longer about how wonderful it was.
White trash chick who jumps off bridges for fun! Vanessa Wolfe is here. She rode on that aero-playne and arrived in Hollywood, evidently. Her mom takes her to the aero-port and cries. Vanessa still has bra strap issues. And she proceeds to murder “No Rain.” I’m seeing her on a one-way ticket back to Shitsville on the aero-playne.
Andrew is through, Vanessa is not. Who didn’t know that. Dozens of crying people who are going home. Next please.
The guy who leapt up into the air during his audition and split his pants? Cornelius Edwards? Is screaming “Calgon, Take Me Away!” at the judges for some reason. Maegan Wright is playing the keyboard and I thought she did well, but Kara hated her. Italian family man Amedeo DiRocco isn’t feeling the love from the judges either. And then he starts begging for another chance.
Gorgeous blonde Janell Wheeler strums her guitar and has a husky voice and the judges love her a lot. Duh! But then a montage of people sucking. Simon tells a bleached blond to learn to play the guitar, a blonde woman with an orange face scaring Ellen with her piano playing, a brunette frantically playing a guitar and babbling incoherently. “That was painful,” Simon tells her. A guy singing in a desperate falsetto, and Randy tells him he’ll be appearing at the nearby Holiday Inn.
Haeley Vaughn has kind of a whiny, raspy voice and a lisp. But she’s very cheerful and bubbly and has a cute giggle. And the so-fake rocker mom Mary Powers bellows a few bars at us, and Ellen likes her. They are both through.
Ellen screws with four people on stage, making them step forward and back, and they’re all through. And that seems to be the end of Day One!
“Don’t be nervous. Don’t be boring. And don’t forget the words,” Simon warns everyone.
Jay Stone, the beatboxer, beatboxes at us again, and Simon tells him it’s ridiculous. Lilly Scott sings an Ella Fitzgerald song about crying into her pillow and plays her guitar, and I just love her voice. She herself is a bit strange-looking and is wearing peacock earrings, but she is unique. And she’s the only one through. Jay Stone goes home.
An expectant father’s wife’s water just broke. But Michael Lynche plays the guitar and sings John Mayer quite well with a smile. It’s a little nasally but it’s not bad. And he’s through.
Tim Urban sings David Cook (!!) and plays his guitar. He’s got a nice, mellow tone and nice range. I hate his 70’s hair, though. Cancer survivor Justin Williams wails at a keyboard and has eye sex with the judges. Yikes. Justin leaves us, but Tim moves on. That’s fair enough.
The Jersey sisters didn’t make it, and neither did the Barney dominatrixe. Maddy Curtis, the one with brothers who have Down’s syndrome, is only 16! And she has a great voice! So we’ll be hearing about the fact that she’s 16 for, forever I’m guessing. Wrong song, Simon says.
The guy Kara forced to strip is here, Casey James. He strums his guitar energetically while Kara bumps and grinds in her chair. Gross. But he’s through, but Maddy leaves us. What?! Well, she’s got plenty of time to try out again. I hope she does.
Some blonde waitress is singing one of Kara’s songs. Didi Benami has automatically lost respect for doing this. She’s not bad. Kind of Brooke White. Kind of Lilith Fair, really. Wait, what are those things on her legs? Hot pink tights? Eeeek. Simon likes the idea of a waitress coming on the show and doing well. What on earth does being a waitress have to do with anything?
Some crazy chick getting a tattoo for good luck because she loves her son. Now I know it’s bedtime, because this has ceased making sense. Crystal Bowersox sings “Natural Woman” and plays guitar, and now I remember her. She’s got the raspy Janis Joplin voice and hideous yellow fangs. Simon must be too far away to see her teeth, because he likes her. Well, he’s English. Crystal and Didi are through.
And I guess that’s it for today. Well, that was easy enough. Tomorrow will be the ultimate test, Ryan tells us. It must be group round? Yes, “and the results will shock you!” Ryan exclaims. I’d be surprised, as I don’t shock easily. But I’m willing to give it a shot!
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