Please Would You Love Me?

by Mordant Monkey

Kristin McNamara was one of the performers that had a decent night.

It’s Hollywood Week! Well, for us viewers, it’s Hollywood Weeks, since the show will span four hours spread over two weeks. Tonight’s show was fairly tame, I thought, considering the previews of nature red in tooth and claw they’ve been showing us for a couple of weeks now. There was the obligatory crowd shot, with Ryan intoning dramatically that it’s Idol’s biggest season yet. They auditioned over 100,000 hopefuls. Seriously? No wonder the judges look absolutely exhausted. Oh, and this year’s talent is “unbelievable.” We’ll be the judge of that, Seacrest. 

It’s a test of courage, it’s a test of stamina and strength. You only get one chance, one shot … there can only be ONE American Idol! Ryan, whatever you’re getting paid to be this cheesy, it can’t be enough.

We’re in Hollywood, Ryan informs us--just in case the shot of the Hollywood sign wasn’t enough to alert us to that fact--home of the Kodak Theatre. I can think of a hundred things more important that Hollywood is home to other than the Kodak Theatre, but there it is there. The judges will be sifting through 147 of “America’s best singers” in the next two days, which will be condensed into a one-hour show. One half of the group was let off the hook and went sightseeing today, while the other, unlucky half goes in front of the judges and sings a brief solo. If they please the judges, they stay another day. If not, they’re sent home immediately.

As the judges file in, Simon tells the contestants dramatically, “This will be the most important day of your life, one hundred percent.” No pressure! The kids on stage look scared out of their minds, as well they should be, judging by Paula’s outfit. Seriously, she’s wearing a black dog collar around her neck that’s connected by a chain to a black band on each of her wrists. I mean, I’ve seen her wear some funky stuff in the past, but this defies any explanation. Do the contestants who don’t make it through to the next round get punished for their overt failures by Paula the Dominatrix before they’re sent packing? I’m afraid. Very afraid.

In Idol Boot Camp, the contestants are given seminars on how to apply makeup, wear clothes, and perform. Barry Manilow--no, really--was also there, telling them that the judges want them to be the next American Idol, and so does he. What he was doing there, I don’t know. That’s all they showed of that particular segment. I mean, it was nice of Idol to bring Barry in and everything, but if they were going to go to all that trouble, why wouldn’t they show more than four seconds of him saying trite things?

Okay, we’re on to the auditions. Groups of eight line up on stage, and each person sings a few bars of a song he or she chose. It’s important to note that, because it comes up quite a bit throughout the hour. Lil Rounds, the woman whose home was demolished by a hurricane and who wowed the judges in her audition, sings “I Will Always Love You.” I hated Whitney Houston’s version, and I hate this one, too. Because it’s a rip-off of the Whitney version, which is all big voice and pitchiness and no subtlety whatsoever, just whalloping us over the head with volume. But the judges love it and actually give Lil a standing ovation, so you know she’s got no worries.

Dennis Brigham I did not remember until they showed a clip of his audition, in which he did a backflip. Ah yes, I remember him now. Short dreadlocks and a lisp. Okay. He sings a song that someone else had to identify as “For Once in My Life” by Stevie Wonder. Not that I don’t know that song, just that Dennis’s rendition wasn’t instantly recognizable to me. Another major drawback is that Dennis’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of their sockets, which disconcerts both me and Simon. “The facial expressions were insane, Dennis, when you were singing, you know? I don’t think anyone is going to take you seriously, Dennis, as a recording artist.” That was not what Dennis wanted to hear, and it was no surprise to anyone (except Dennis) when they judges put him in a different line from Lil and then told Lil’s line to stay another day, while the rest were sent home.

Dennis Brigham’s nasally wine and choppy delivery painted a target on his back that the judges couldn’t miss.

Dennis got a mic from somewhere and … congratulations! He’s our first official scene-maker during Hollywood Week. “What kind of message are y’all sending to America?” he demands, inferring exactly what I’m not sure, and then he starts singing a different song. Simon just looks very, very tired of all of this crap, and you know he’s in real trouble because it’s only the first day of Hollywood Week. He looks like he needs to schedule a massage and a facial, pronto. The awful truth is slowly dawning on Dennis that they really meant that he’s to go home on the next plane, and he informs them, “Well, it’s y’all’s decision. Y’all suck as judges,” and stalks off the stage. As he is walking out of the theatre past the judges, he also tells Simon to get a new wardrobe becase his pants and shirt are cheap. This causes Randy to laugh and Simon to mutter, “You’re going to go far.”

“America’s going to be mad because y’all cut me!” Dennis sings to us ominously as they show him packing up his stuff in his hotel room. I, for one, will be drafting my protest letter to the judges and show’s producers immediately after I’m done here, y’all.

Okay, some shots of the lucky half touring Hollywood. Then there’s Ryan with Paula and Kara, talking about what a long day it’s been. No kidding, Paula looks really rough. Kara looks like she’s holding up okay so far, but give her a year or two and we’ll see how she does then.

Nathaniel Marshall sings “The Anchor Holds,” and where are the fashion police when you need them? Seriously? I thought the show just spent a lot of time and money helping these people to learn to look good, no? So why is Nathaniel wearing jeans, a plaid shirt, a turquoise tee shirt over that, a tie, and a girl’s headband? Oy. He’s got an awesome voice, though, and the song is really pretty, but Paula hates it a lot and Simon asks him, for some reason, what his inspiration was in picking that song. Nathaniel tells the judges that he’s really been through a lot and that music is his anchor that keeps him from freaking out and that he wants this more than anything and he can feel it on his skin … no, I’m not making this up. Then he starts to weep and instantly I know who Nathaniel is: He’s the reclusive, gay brother from “Wedding Crashers.” Todd Cleary. Yep, that’s who he is all right.

Anoop Desai is on stage, rocking it like nobody’s business. Love him. It’s a good thing we spent so much time on Nathaniel’s emo meltdown, because who wants to see the talented, cool people, really?

Jasmine Murray has gorgeous hair and makeup and clothes. At least someone paid attention to those seminars!

Jasmine Murray performs on Hollywood Round 1.

Rose Flack, the orphan-urchin with straggly blonde dreadlocks, is wearing an ugly dress over jeans. Again. They show her struggling to find her own voice, struggling not to cry, and then crying anyway. Jesus, what a sobfest this show has turned into already. Sigh. She sings “Dock of the Bay,” and she’s very nervous and stiff and wooden. Yikes.

Simon psychs out the whole group by making them think they’re all getting cut, and then he tells them they’re all staying another day. Even Michael Castro, who I just noticed was in that group but without the pink fauxhawk this time. Now it’s a multicolor fauxhawk. Great. Why didn’t they show Michael singing? God knows they spent enough time on him during the audition process to make me think they were interested in him.

Steven Fowler sounds good on “Superwoman” by Stevie Wonder, and Paula and Randy love it. Jorge Nunez has curly hair and sparkling eyes, and Paula calls his audition “beautiful.” And then there’s Von Smith, he of the yelling voice and cute white hat. No hat tonight, though. He sings a weird song I don’t recognize, and it’s really shouty and grating. Simon calls it “indulgent nonsense” and “really annoying,” and I agree with him. I mean, he’s not a barker in a circus, for Pete’s sake, he’s meant to be trying to prove why he deserves to be in the show, right? All three guys make it through, and Von vows to work very hard. Dude, just tone it down already. That’s really all that’s needed.

Steven Fowler does his thing on Hollywood Round 1.

The show’s vocal coach, Debra Byrd, is shown working with a group of contestants and emphasizing how very, very important song choice actually is to their success on the show. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for this to be emphasized enough, frankly. There is clip after clip after clip of one of the judges telling the auditioner how he or she picked the wrong song, and it’s just brutal.

And then? And then??? Nick Mitchell is back! You remember him, right? The one who came back at Simon last week at his audition with that crack about how Simon likes it when Seacrest kicks him in the balls, or whatever? Also known as Norm Gentle, he’s still wearing the same gawdawful clothes and sweatbands from his audition. Let’s hope he’s washed them since. And he’s got a pitchpipe. Perfect. He announces to everyone that he’s going to rock it and then proceeds with what can only be described (by me, anyway) as a burlesque act. He struts, he swaggers, he sings. In between lines he calls out to the balcony, and then, best of all, to Ryan. “Seacrest!” he bawls into the mic, and they show Ryan looking astonished and turning around to see what the hell. Nick/Norm winds all of this up by crooning winningly, “Please would you love me?” which is a moot point, because I do love him but there’s no way in hell he’s making it through Hollywood Week, which really sucks because he does actually have a good voice and seems like he’s absolutely hilarious. Randy tells Nick/Norm that he can actually sing, which … wouldn’t Randy have known that in advance of sending him through to Hollywood in the first place? Simon doesn’t know what to make of it all, because he thinks that without the glasses and headband that Nick/Norm is a boring person and a joke, and I disagree with Simon on this, but what can you do. Paula wants to hear him sing a song “all stripped down,” inciting Nick/Norm to finger the top button of his shirt hysterically and Paula to be embarrassed and remember that this is a family show, or at least it’s meant to be. Anyway, the bottom line is that Nick/Norm lives to burlesque another day, but I think he’s on borrowed time. If he wants to survive, he really needs to buckle down and get serious.

It’s Day 2! God, seriously? That seemed to take forever, and they’re only halfway through? They show various contestants getting into the zone, stretching, meditating, freaking … and then there’s Jackie Tohn, the rocker. Her voice reminds me too much of Amanda Overmyer’s for me to warm up to her, but she’s striking and energetic. Kara likes her, and Paula tells her that she remembers Jackie the most out of all the auditions. Seriously? I’m at a lost over that. She does have a distinctive voice, but that’s not necessarily a good thing, you know? Anyway, Jackie stays another day but is somber because of all of the lasting friendships she’s made with people who aren’t. Groan.

Anoop performing Hollywood Round 1 as a highlight.

Speaking of lasting friendships, here are Danny and Jamar, best friends who auditioned together. Danny is the one who looks exactly like Robert Downey Jr. and whose wife died a month before he auditioned, and Jamar is the one who pierced his cheek. They show Jamar first, singing “California Dreamin’.” Didn’t he sing that for his original audition? It’s passable, and Randy tells him that he’s a big fan of Jamar’s and that he’s “relevant.” While Randy, on the other hand, I have to admit: I’m still wondering what actual purpose he serves on this show.

Danny sings “Kiss From a Rose,” and it’s absolutely gorgeous. The judges agree with me, because they let him sing almost the whole song. Paula loves him and tells him “You are ready to record records,” somewhat redundantly. Danny and Jamar are both through to the next day.

The Wrath of Kara that is Bikini Girl is next, and they show her with Ryan, kissing again. Ryan asks us, needlessly, if we remember Katrina Darrell and then quips, “Just pan up and down and you’ll remember.” I say “needlessly” because throughout the entire show to this point they’ve been threatening us with the chick, but this is it! She’s here! Break out the popcorn!

Katrina tries to get us to come over to the dark side by playing on our sympathies and telling us how mean Kara was to her during her audition. She talks about how rude Kara was to sing during her audition (she was) and how Simon liked Katrina’s song better (he didn’t). She’s got too much black eyeliner in the corners of her eyes, and she’s wearing what seems to be a black babydoll nightgown trimmed in faux fur. Jesus, what the hell is that? Anyway, she sings “Breathe” by Faith Hill, and Kara starts off by telling her that she’s a beautiful girl and then goes on to say that the thought maybe when Katrina started out in the song that she was better than she had been in her audition--at which point Katrina grew very bright and happy--and that she had been wrong about her, but then she realized that she was right. Simon started miming claws coming out of his hands, complete with sound effects, and … yeah, it was bitchy and unnecessary, but it was pretty funny to watch Katrina’s face fall when she realized that instead of a massive compliment, she was getting a smackdown. Paula seems to agree with Kara that the song foundered halfway through, and Simon spins Kara’s original comment and tells Katrina that it was better than the audition, which it was. Randy hasn’t an original thought in his head and agrees with Simon, naturally, because he’s still remembering the original audition and what she was and wasn’t wearing. The entire group, including Katrina, is through to the next day. “I told you she didn’t like me,” Katrina tells the camera. Oh, Katrina, come now. Reflect over how you have presented yourself to the viewing public and then ask yourself seriously, who could genuinely like you?

Katrina Darrell performs for Kara and the other judges during Hollywood Round 1.

Jeremy Michael Sarver sings “More Than Anyone” by Gavin DeGraw, who seems to be a popular choice this season, and Randy calls it “one of the best.” Jeremy makes it through to tomorrow. Jesus Valenzuela has Colin Farrell’s eyebrows and doesn’t.

We’re now down to the last line, which includes David Osmond, Erika Wesley (who?), and Emily Hughes. Emily, if you recall, sings in an all-girl band and has pink hair. Her original idea was to sing “I Put a Spell on You,” but she changes her mind at the last minute and goes with “Excuse Me, Mister” by No Doubt, which turns into a real lead balloon with the judges. Kara says the song was disappointing, Paula says it was the wrong song, and Simon says he’s disappointed in her. Ouch. Nevertheless, she’s through, which … why have the judges chastised so many of the contestants for their choice of song only to let them through anyway? Whatever.

Emily Hughes performs on Hollywood Round 1.

Erika, whom I don’t remember at all from the auditions, is our second scene of the night that involves the judges (if you don’t count the guy from “Wedding Crashers,” because that wasn’t exactly a scene--more of a breakdown, really). She gets a mic and informs the judges that she is a fighter and thinks she deserves another chance, and what can she do to convince them of this? It seems that Paula wanted to keep her but the other three overruled her, and then Paula starts arguing with Simon for some reason, which is somewhat like watching a mentally challenged kitten attack a grizzly bear, and he just ignores her. Erica gets the hint and thanks the judges and tells them she would’ve regretted not telling them how she felt, which I can understand, and then she’s gone. However, there are 104 contenders still around, and tomorrow is Group Day! And that’s when the real shit hits the fan.

In summation: We saw some people we remembered from their auditions and a few we didn’t. No sign of Scott MacIntyre, which is weird, considering how much they were pimping him at the audition show, but maybe he’ll be tomorrow. Nathaniel Marshall needs Atavan, Nick/Norm rocked the house, and I’ve got to go write that letter to the producers and see if they can bring back Dennis Brigham.

photo courtesy of AmericanIdol.com