Misunderestimations and Regurgitations
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the girls’ night, even though that was supposed to be last night, but it was postponed because Crystal Bowersox was in the hospital. “It is ON,” announced Ryan, apropos of nothing, really.
Yep, there’s Crystal, last in the girls’ line. Ryan grills her, and she’s feeling fine. You know, she looks a lot like Julia Stiles at some angles. So, excellent. Let’s hope the girls don’t suck as badly as the guys did last night, no matter how much Randy wants us to believe that the guys blew everyone away last night. Kara is proving to me by the second how much she’s a child of the ‘80s (not that there’s anything wrong with that) with her ratted ponytail, and Simon warns everyone, again, to deal with the pressure.
Let’s find out more about the ladies! Crystal has a twin brother! And she used to perform in a subway in Chicago like Simon suggested last week. And she wants to prove to Simon that she would make people stop to listen to her.
Funky beginning with an organ, but great vocals, with that distinctness to her tone that I can’t describe. She’s got the guitar but no harmonica. “Long As I Can See the Light” by Creedence Clearwater Revival is the song, and I’m not familiar with it, but Crystal’s version is spot-on, as far as I can tell. The back-up singers are in tune and not overpowering, for once, and everything sounds great.
Randy tells Crystal that she is the truth and that he loves her. Ellen calls her natural talent, not forced, and then adds that she’s very glad Crystal is back and healthy. Kara tells her that this is the sort of song she should be singing, and Simon likes the song and says he “misunderestimated” her this past week—this was the moment he realized that she’s a serious artist. A comparison to Kelly Clarkson! Indeed!
Haeley is singing Miley Ray Cyrus and is completely adorable. I even love her lisp. She makes her headbands because it’s relaxing and cute, but she tells us she is not confident, though she is bubbly and happy. Hmm. She’s singing “The Climb.” I hope she kills it, because this show is improved by her being on it.
Eyew. I don’t like the way he voice slides up to the notes. But she’s very sparkly and has a huge silk flower on her headband. She’s not hitting the chorus as she should be, and she is a bit flat as well. Yikes. Oh Haeley, I like you so much personally. But maybe, like Tim Urban, you should act and not sing?
Randy says it was excruciating. Well, that’s keeping it real. Pitchy and no connection, he adds. Ellen tells her to not ever stop smiling, which, yes, don’t stop. But she agrees with Randy that there was no connection or feeling. Kara says Haeley has the Alex Lambert factor—that people are rooting for her—and that she’s a good performer, but that Haeley needs about a year of strengthening her instrument. Then why, may I ask, did they put her through THIS year? Simon agrees: “It was a complete and utter mess.” Boos … and then Simon adds that he doesn’t want to make things any worse, but, “There’s a certain irony for you singing a song about climbing when you actually fell off.” And then?? Ryan snaps at Simon, “How does that not make it any worse? What good does that do?” You GO, Ryan!! Simon is actually speechless, and Ryan flips to Haeley’s numbers and that’s that.
“Clash of the Titans” looks absolutely amazing. I hope it is.
Lacey and her pink hair is up next. She really likes to go antique shopping and refurbish furniture. She does some nice work, too, it looks like. Regarding “Landslide” last week, she apologizes and then says she’s going to do “Kiss Me” as Kara suggested.
Her little-girly voice and enormous puffed sleeves are at odds, and while this isn’t nearly the trainwreck “Landslide” was, it’s nothing more than decent karaoke. At best. She smiles all the way through and doesn’t look nervous. But she should be. There’s nothing extraordinary about her voice, and she can’t last in this forum.
Randy says it was an interesting choice by Kara and it would have worked but he was waiting for the words to flash across the screen like in karaoke. Jeeze, does that mean Randy and I agree? Ellen thought it was adorable and that it was the right song. Kara can’t help but compliment her, because she did pick the song, but warns her that she has to step it up. Simon is completely disinterested in Lacey all together and that she’s just a puppet who can’t think for herself and isn’t an artist. Wow, Simon’s in a great mood tonight. Good grief.
Katie is next, and she’s only 17!! She can say, “Give me a kiss” in six languages (including English). That must be awfully handy. And she says she jumps up and down and screams at herself that she’s awesome before she performs, like that one unfortunate we saw audition last week.
“Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae. Well, that’s a good choice. Or it should be. She minces onto the stage and dances about, keeping eye contact with the camera at all times. She does not sound 17, I tell you. I’m glad she is enunciating, instead of making mush of the words. Not a bum note in the bunch. This is a strong performance.
Randy likes her head voice and says that while the first part of the song sucked, the second part got kind of interesting. Jesus, Randy. Ellen says that Katie is still not singing a young-enough song. Oh, come on now. Kara is frustrated with Katie and even admits that the judges have been giving her conflicting advice. She tells her that just because a song is good on the radio doesn’t mean it’s a good song to sing. Simon tells her to get some experience and figure out what kind of an artist she wants to be and then come back next week. Katie is just looking at all of them like, you guys are killing me.
Didi and her ugly shirt, bisected by a huge dog collar, is next. She tells us that she was the mascot for her middle school. But then she made the cheerleading squad. She prays and meows before she performs. Wow, she’s a freak.
“Lean on Me.” Really? Sitting on the stool, snapping her fingers. She’s changed the melody a bit, and she stands up when she gets to the chorus, and I really don’t hate this. She looks too scared to be totally believable, but she’s got a definite handle on the song and with that funny tone in her voice, it sounds pretty good. I think she’d be a good folk singer or something along those lines.
Randy doesn’t know what is going on tonight and wouldn’t have chosen that song. Ellen loves Didi’s voice, Kara flat-out tells her it wasn’t good. I disagree. Karaoke, Kara calls it. That seems to be the theme for the judges tonight. Simon tells her she sounded like a screeching cat throughout the song. He calls it a wasted opportunity for her. Didi is obviously close to tears, because Ryan is extra-special sweet to her.
Michelle is singing Creed’s “Arms Wide Open.” Interesting .. she works with kids at church and wants to give Simon a “wow moment” tonight.
Too breathy, too subdued, too boring. Lounge or cruise singer. Oh god, she even used her hand to make a little “tear trickle” down her face when it got to that part in the song. This is just torture. Tune? Nope. Notes? Nah. Shouting out of key? Yep! Sweet!
Randy says Yo and Michelle pulls a face. Randy pulls a Paula and says her outfit is hot. I disagree. Her little sister’s strapless prom dress bunched up over her hips and then black jeans and a black leather jacket? No. Not hot. Ellen says she looks fabulous and liked the song. Kara says it was her favorite performance of Michelle’s ever because it felt believable. I feel like I’m insane. Simon is with Kahrah on this one—he liked the first half better than the second half, but then admits the judges give contradictory advice and despite that she did well. Are the judges trying to use reverse psychology on us?
Lilly is singing Sam Cooke, which could be a good choice for her. She plays a lot of different instruments, and that’s about all we learn. “Change Is Gonna Come.” Oh, like that hasn’t been done to death. Whiny and screechy and with the biggest, featheriest earring ever. It sounds like she swallows her own tongue at one point. Oh come on. Louder screeching, and the crowd goes wild, and then it’s over. I didn’t get it.
Randy says she’s unique and her own, which, maybe, but that’s not a compliment at this point. But Randy intends it to be and calls it his favorite performance of the night. Ellen says Lilly has “it.” Kara says Lilly had her first “moment” in the competition and that Kara was riveted and that Lilly is going to change the game—meaning, “American Idol.” Kara, you’re an idiot. You were around last season. Remember Adam Lambert, you silly twat? Simon compares her to Crystal and then says that he thought Crystal was stronger that Lilly. Lilly pulls a “screw you” smirk that’s just lovely, very classy (that’s sarcasm, in case you couldn’t tell), and then Simon’s finished with her.
Katelyn, who will hopefully be uncomplicated, is “super-ready to go.” Enormous earrings seem to be a fad on “Idol.” So do skirts that look like trash bags. She was studying to be a recording engineer before “Idol” and likes to goof off before she performs. She’s singing “The Scientist” by Coldplay. Not a song I know, but okay.
She’s at the piano, and her fingers seem to be shaking. Actually, I think I do know this song, but why is her voice sliding all over the place? I think she’s best suited to torch songs, not this type at all. But a great ending note there, and that might win her some votes.
Randy liked it but it was slow but didn’t like the last note. Ellen looks like she’s not sure if she liked it. She liked that Katelyn was playing guitar … oh, wait, she was playing the piano. Laughter, and then Ellen says she fell asleep during the song because it was too slow. Kara “kind of” loves Katelyn because she’s got such a big instrument, but she warns her to figure out who she is really quick. Simon thought it was a smart choice and a contemporary one but that Katelyn is “corny” when she performs, so watch out for that.
Paige is next. I have to admit, I completely forgot about her. She likes to color with Crayons. Because she’s 5. She literally has a coloring book with hippos in it. What. The. Hell.
“Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson starts off well enough, and it gets better at the chorus. It’s still karaoke, but still. Her outfit is cute, too. Toward the end, thogh, it’s like the song is kicking her ass and wearing her out. And the yelps at the end are annoying. But not bad, on the whole.
Randy gives Kara props for writing that song and then says he liked the performance, but he says that it worked for Kelly because she has a big voice, but Paige has a big voice, so … what? Ellen loved it. Kara says that Paige doesn’t have a clue about the jackass she wrote the song about and that it’s meant to be an angry song. Simon agrees with Randy that she failed to choose the right song and that Paige is getting lost in them.
So who is in the pimp slot? Siobhan! I really like her. She used to have a mohawk. Sweet! And she gave it to herself, and apparently it did not go well. She does lip burrs before she performs, which isn’t that unusual.
She’s doing “Think” by Aretha Franklin this week. Awesome! Oh please, don’t screw it up, Siobhan. Yeah, her voice is too soft for this song to be convincing, and it gets squeaky at the top of her range. Oh Siobhan, this was not such a good choice. Way too yelly for me, but that wailing on the high note was crazy.
Randy calls her bold and fearless and says she slayed it. Now it’s official: Either the judges are insane or I am. Ellen loved it and compares it to a Snuggie. Kara is in awe of her belting. Simon says, “You’re such a strange person. I mean that as a compliment.” Then he compliments her on her film and for not coloring hippos and calls her interesting and unique.
Okay, so I disagreed with almost everything the judges said tonight. Crystal was released from the hospital and sang a CCR tune with aplomb. Haeley lisps adorably but could be in serious trouble. Lacey … why is she still here? I can’t figure it out. Katie did great but was panned by the judges and told to be younger. Didi rocked “Lean on Me” but got crucified by the judges. Michelle’s level of suckage was monumental but the judges loved her. Lilly whined and screeched, Katelyn put everyone to sleep a bit too early, Paige likes coloring within the lines of her hippos, and Siobhan can wail like nobody’s business. In closing, Ellen said she didn’t see any horrific performances like Simon said he did, and Simon simply said, “Watch the show back.”
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