If It Was a Mess, It Was a Hot Mess
by Paulette Frank
Live performances. Finally. Ryan tells me it’s my job to cut the Top 24 down to the Top 12. The girls are all lined up on the steps and Ryan introduces them one by one and one by one they run past the camera making retarded faces and/or hand gestures. Then Ryan introduces the judges and asks Simon about something he saw in the New York Post about how Simon thinks it’s the girls’ year. Simon explains, “You know we’ve got an interesting mix. This is a very close group. I’ve watched a bit of the rehearsals. Some were good. Some not.” Hell of an explanation. I’ve got it now. Ryan asks Kara if she thinks America knows this group better at this stage of the competition. Yes, she thinks so (although I still don‘t remember Paige Miles or Michelle Delamor). Ryan asks Randy to give the girls some advice, and he tells them they’ve either got to be great or be mad at themselves, and it’s up to them to really wreck the stage with their vocals. But then Ellen tells them not to be mad at themselves, and to go join the Army. At least, I assume that’s what she was saying when she told them to be all they could be. Then Ryan wants to know why Ellen and Simon are sitting on opposite ends of the judging table when all through Hollywood Week they were next to each other. Ellen confides it’s because Simon wants her and she’s not comfortable with his wandering hands.
Paige Miles is up first. We get the little bio before her performance, and find out she’s happier doing American Idol than she was at her old job, which was essentially just wiping snot off kids’ noses (fantastic attitude for a preschool teacher), and that she loved doing the final Hollywood Week performance because she was singing with Michael Jackson’s backup singers. She’s doing “All Right Now”, and her voice is great, of course, but I’m getting the feeling she feels like she’s doing this great service to the audience and the judges by performing for them. Not that she seems bored or anything–it’s the opposite. She’s totally into it and I’m expecting any minute for her to hold her mic out and get the adoring fans to do a chorus. It’s Simon’s turn to go first, and he’s all pissy because it’s live TV and there was, like, one second of silence because no one told him he’d be going first. Simon thinks she’s got the best voice out of all the girls, but he wouldn’t have chosen that song because it’s a wedding-singer type of song. But Kara, who’s sporting a gigantic, immobile ponytail, thinks the song was actually brilliant, because it’s a rock song, and she got to put her soul into it. “You’ve got a ridiculous voice, girl,” she told her. Randy didn’t think it was the right song either, though, because it’s more of a group song, but at least she showed off her big voice and blew the door off the place. Ellen was all sympathetic about how she had to be so nervous being the first one out there–“Nervous?” interrupted Paige, like it was the most ridiculous adjective she’d ever heard. (In fact, the most ridiculous adjective is ‘persnickety’.) “Nothing, right? No nerves,” said Ellen so smoothly, and then she went right on with it, saying nice things about her voice and her outfit (a little black dress with a big, silver cummerbund-like ribbon/sash thing), and how she thinks she did pick the right song. I’m so glad she didn’t stay on that and make a big deal of the ice that must run through Paige’s veins, and how she’s just born to perform and this is her home, her heart, so of course she’s not nervous. ’Cause I think that’s what Paige was looking for. Before Ryan gives the number to call or text, he asks Paige about something she’d mentioned during rehearsal. “I’m sewn into my outfit. I’ve been waiting to pee for, like, five hours.”
Ashley Rodriguez is next, and I’ve been looking forward to seeing more of her ever since she auditioned in Boston, but I can’t remember what she sang or what I liked about her, but here she is and I still don’t know. She sings “Happy” by Leona Lewis, and it starts off low and I’m hearing her breath a little too much through the microphone. But then the song gets going and it sounds better, and her voice is powerful and great, but it doesn’t seem like it goes with the backing vocals and the band, like the arrangement was meant for someone with a softer voice. According to Kara, Leona Lewis is like the Mariah Carey of this generation, and she has to give Ashley credit for taking on such a big song. There were nice moments and she hit some big notes, but there were some not-so-great moments, too. Kara thinks she’ll go forward, though, and Ashley needs to choose some songs we wouldn’t expect her to choose, and that’s where she’ll really shine. Randy thinks she did well, but he didn’t really see HER in there, just her doing a pretty good job of doing Leona. Ellen wants to see her doing something that’s a whole different vibe, something that would shock us. Simon points out that the judging isn’t going particularly well for her so far, and then makes it so it instead goes shockingly horribly. “I thought it was clumsy, your version. I didn’t like the arrangement, and I’ve got to tell you, if I’m being honest with you, I think you’re going backwards, from the very first time we met you.” Ouch. “I don’t see you as a contemporary recording artist, just someone who sings other people’s songs. Not very well.” OUCH! “I actually think you could be in trouble after tonight.” Ashley then stands next to Ryan, smiling and looking like she’s about to put her fist through a wall and then burst into hysterical tears, but she holds up two fingers to the camera and makes a sorta silly face while Ryan announces her personal voting number.
Now for blonde Janell Wheeler, whose voice Simon didn’t like at the Orlando auditions but who has nonetheless made it this far. She’s doing “What About Love” by Heart. It starts off very nicely, sort of soft and pretty, but then when the beat kicks up a bit and the drums come in she starts getting a little flat or something. It sounds just a bit off. Not the whole time, just in spots. Randy didn’t like the song choice because it’s such a huge song and it’s hard to bring something unique to it. But he still has vibes for her and he likes her voice. Ellen loves the song and that she chose it, and even though a few of the notes were off, she likes it and she likes Janell. Simon uses percentages to describe his dissatisfaction. “You gave it a hundred percent effort, and probably delivered sixty-five percent.” Boo, says the crowd. Simon preaches the importance of song choice but also says there were actually a couple moments when he liked her voice, and he thinks she’s going to be okay this week. “I like you, but … ” said Kara. Do we really care what comes next? Who starts a sentence off with ‘I like you, but’? Ugh. The song was WAY too big for Janell, apparantly.
Lilly Scott of dyed-gray hair fame is next, and I’ve really been liking her voice and her attitude, but then in the intro bio part, she calls herself an Artist and tells us she has what it takes to be in The Industry and I’m immediately turned off. Yuck. But she sings “Fixing a Hole” by the Beatles, and while it sounds nearly exactly like whatever song she sang for her first performance in Hollywood Week, it’s what got her here, so it works for now, at least. It’s a little wavery at the beginning when it’s really low, but she gets into it and it sounds great. Quirky. It could get old really quickly, though, her eye-squinting and that shoulder-shrugging thing she does when she plays the guitar. Ellen thinks this is what they’ve been talking about with the song choice, that she actually DID make a good choice, and she’s so unique, she has so much presence, etc., etc. Simon thinks she’s definitely the best so far, mainly because he actually felt she sang this song because she liked the song and it portrayed her as an Artist and not because she thought it would get her through to the next round. He’s not feeling much star power from her, though. Then he says something about how there are a lot of people on the internet doing exactly what she’s doing at the moment. I have no idea what he’s talking about but don’t care. Kara thinks she’s believable and calls her an Artist and predicts everyone will remember her tonight. Randy likes her honesty, likes that she doesn’t really care what other people think of her, blah, blah, blah. When she joins Ryan, standing a head above him, she tells him she doesn’t want to make him feel too short. I have no idea whether she’s very tall, but I’m pretty sure he’s very short and everyone makes him feel that way. Ryan thinks Kara and Lilly have similar body language, but Kara misses it because she’s busy flirting with Simon.
Katelyn Epperly is the one with wildly curly blond hair that she once tried to cover up with a retarded hat. Tonight, though, she’s got it out in all its glory, though its adorned with a black feather to go along with a little black dress, red lips, and red fingernails. She reminds me a bit of the hooker in Tombstone, the one Val Kilmer hangs around with. She sings “Oh, Darling” and it’s old-timey and cool, and actually my favorite so far. Her voice is clean and powerful and there are some funky notes in the song that have to be hard to hit, not because they’re high, just because they’re not the note you’d expect, but she does it perfectly. Simon thought that despite the fact that she was sometimes screaming, and that it was messy, he actually likes her (see, it’s less offensive when you END a sentence with “I like you”). He came up with lots of words to describe her: quirky, interesting, brave … plus he liked her song choice. “Yeah, I like you,” he concluded. Kara wants to know if she’s been singing all her life. She has. “Since you were little, right?” says Kara. “Like, out of the womb,” says Katelyn. Kara could tell. Katelyn apparently knows her own voice very well, and it came through, according to Kara. She didn’t care for the makeover, though, and Randy takes immediate offense (“What do you mean?”), as does Katelyn, who doesn’t actually say anything, but looks like she’s going to drop her mic and then drop Kara. Kara likes the natural look better. Randy likes the look, likes that she can switch it up, and doesn’t want her to get boxed in. Ellen couldn’t tell if she was pushing too hard or if that’s just the way she sings, but whatever it was, despite it, I guess, she found it interesting. Then she says that again using different words, and ends with, “You have an amazing voice.” When Ryan goes to stand with her, he immediately asks her about the face she made when Kara said something about her makeover. He wants to know what the word bubble over her head would’ve been, and Katelyn instead talks about how she doesn’t have just this one natural look, blah, blah, blah. Kara offers her own suggestion, though. “Bitch,” she says. Despite the fact that Kara is a bazillion percent correct (Randy’s math lessons are still paying off), Katelyn pretends she’s not.
Haeley Vaughn is next. Yay! I’ve been waiting to hear her. She has a huge mouth and a huge lisp and I think she’s great. She does “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” and it’s pretty much just her and her guitar, and I love it. She does cool things with the melody and I’m not scared she’s not going to hit the notes she goes for. She’s dressed all in white, with white stockings and a long-sleeved, short white dress, a white headband, and white heels. When she finishes, she looks all happy and cute, but Kara is intent on destroying her. She breaks the bad news in this annoyingly condescending voice, starting with “From a technical standpoint. …” She says she was all over the place and didn’t always hit the notes, but every time she hits the stage, she has so much fun, and people feel that, people love her, etc., etc. So she makes up for what she can’t do with her vocals. Randy likes her unpredictability, but agrees with Kara about the vocals and thinks the high notes don’t sound very pleasing and maybe she needs to try a different key or something. Ellen thinks she just shines, and she has a great voice, and doesn’t know the technical stuff, but as a person who likes music, she really enjoyed it. Simon, if he’s being honest with us, thought it was verging on terrible. “You were like a windup doll that never stopped smiling throughout the song, and that’s why the vocals were all over the place. It was just, for me, a complete and utter mess.” He doesn’t even know how to describe what she just did, and then decides to just call it a mess again. In response to the boos, he announces that he’s just saying what we’re all thinking. Ryan stands next to Haeley and wants to know if the judges are watching two different shows, but Simon says it’s called having an opinion, and Ellen says, “If it was a mess, it was a hot mess.”
Lacey Brown got cut just before Top 24 last year, and Ryan says maybe this is her year. She does “Landslide” while perched somewhat uncomfortably on a bar stool. It started off kind of boring, but then there was a really pretty part when a male backup singer was harmonizing with her and she messed with the melody a little bit, the part that starts off “Can I sail through the changing ocean tides,” but then it’s just average after that. Randy likes the song but doesn’t think it was the right song for her. “Honestly, dude … I gotta tell ya. I thought that was terrible.” He thought it was pitchy, all over the place, and didn’t suit her voice. Ellen thinks she’s better than that, knows she’s better than that, and hopes to see it proven next week. Simon thought it was quite depressing, and worse than that, it was indulgent. “It was just boring. Sorry.” Kara thinks something from Sixpence None The Richer is more her vibe and hopes America gives her one more shot. Then all of a sudden, Simon pipes up with, “You’ve got nice eyes.”
Michelle Delamor is next, and I still don’t remember her. When I find out she’s doing “Fallin’” I feel like groaning or maybe shooting someone. Maybe Michelle. I’m so sick of that song. It sounds fine, but she doesn’t do anything particularly impressive. “That was … fantastic,” says Ellen. She thinks it was safe, though, like she could’ve done more. But still amazing. Simon thinks she’s a very professional singer and it sounded professional, and it was close to the original, though not as good as the original. But he thinks she’ll make it through to the next round, and she looks fantastic, by the way. Kara thinks she’s very commercial-looking and that she’s going for that diva spot and she needs to be technically perfect but there were parts that weren’t, etc., etc. Randy says something that I immediately forgot. I’m starting to think this girl is under some spell that makes her and everything associated with her completely forgettable.
Next is Didi Benami, the blonde whose BFF died four years ago and I think maybe she’s been crying ever since. She’s very emotional, but she’s going to do her best to not get teary-eyed again, because she’s sure America has seen enough of her tears. She does “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson, and I wish she’d found a way to incorporate her guitar into it because I like her best with it. Her voice isn’t how I remembered it, and it sounds a lot like Megan Joy’s, but definitely better, just kind of funky but pleasing. But Simon thinks there are too many people trying to sound like one person (not Megan Joy … pretty sure he’s talking about Duffy), and if he were to shut his eyes, he could confuse her with three or four singers tonight. Plus, it was a bit indulgent and dreary, and it was missing a spark, something to excite him. Kara agrees that her voice is similar to some others, but likes that she took some risks with the melody and showed some creativity. Simon disagrees about the creativity and there’s some uninteresting back-and-forth stuff between him and Kara, but then Randy wants to know where her star factor is, her outward oomph. “You’re just so sleepy for me,” he says. Better than Grumpy, I guess. Ellen thinks the song would be fine in a set but not by itself. It was too low-key. Ryan senses that Simon had gotten a bit frustrated, and Simon goes off on some first kiss analogy, talking about how it’s gotta be something you remember. You have to prove to everyone that you’re different, and unique, and a star. “I didn’t think of any of that during my first kiss,” said Ryan. “It probably went both ways,” said Simon.
Next is Siobhan Magnus, and the only thing I remember about her is that she was involved in the Group Night Catfights. She’s a glassblowing apprentice, and we see footage of that and of her final Hollywood performance, and of the judges telling her she made it through to the Top 24, and of Simon saying to the other judges that she might be a bit of a dark horse, that girl. The Siobhan in the video telling us about her journey says to someone off-camera, “What does that mean?” The live audience gets a bit of a chuckle. Bet that made her feel good right as she’s getting ready to perform live. She’s doing “Wicked Game”, and it’s so low at the beginning and her vibrato sounds so forced that it’s really distracting. Then she gets into it and it’s higher but her vibrato still sounds forced. And then I realize she looks a whole lot like Anna Paquin. Weird. So Kara says she wouldn’t have picked it, but she kinda liked her on that song. She tells her she’s quirky, but it’s a little nasal at times (she runs her hands over her sinus area just in case the girl who doesn’t know what a dark horse is also doesn’t know what nasal means). Then she says some stuff about how connected she was, and how she was out there, livin’ it and breathin’ it and other stuff that didn’t really make sense considering how Siobhan seemed kinda nervous. Randy wants to hear more out of her and her big voice, and thinks the song wasn’t big enough. Ellen forgot she was watching a singing competition and just enjoyed being entertained. “You really are a funny little thing, aren’t you?” said Simon. He liked it but liked her Hollywood performance better. This was a dark song, but maybe she’s a dark person, he says. Then he talks about how she’s blowing glass all day, and that would make her dark, he guesses. He wants to know why she picked the song, and it’s because it’s she’s always loved it and because she wants people to know that she can hit really loud, high notes, but she also has a softer side.
Up next … Mama Sox. Yay! She’s doing “One Hand In My Pocket” by Alanis Morisette, and she’s got her guitar and her harmonica. She sounds a little out of breath or something, but I still love it. She doesn’t have one of those effortless voices, but she’s passionate. It seems like maybe she’s not so good with the harmonica, though. Randy says stuff about her originality and her attitude and other things that all lead to, “I’m a fan.” So is Ellen. She thinks Crystal adds something fresh to the show and she’d be voting for her if she were at home voting. Now it’s Simon’s turn and he’s all bored and sounding like Eliza Doolittle. “Yeah, it was good, we like you, we like your li’le baby, like your story.” Then he turns back into business Simon and says, “The truth is …” and spouts off some stuff about how if she were just out and about and not on this show and he heard her, he wouldn’t stop in his tracks. Her doing Alanis is her doing a soundalike, there are tens of thousands of girls doing that song, blah, blah, blah. “You were good tonight,” says Kara, “but I think you have greatness in you.” Kara doesn’t want her being just another coffee house performer.
Last is Katie Stevens, who has an incredible voice but who has thus far bored me. She does “Feelin’ Good”, and she’s got a short black dress and red heels and a red headband and she’s just kind of … boring. The crowd loves it, though. Ellen thinks she has a great voice but she’s 17 and needs to not be so conservative. Simon agrees, saying it was like her mum and dad dressed her and told her what to sing and so it got annoying. Boo, says the crowd. Simon tells her she’s got to be 17 and be like a recording artist, not like someone who’s going to sing at her mum’s birthday party. “It was very pageanty,” he says. Kara tells her she thinks if she’d killed the song, they wouldn’t be saying these things. She thinks Katie couldn’t hear herself she was pitchy and all over the place, and that’s not like her. I personally didn’t hear the pitchiness, just the boringness. “But at the end of the day, you have a natural gift. I mean, you have … ridiculous chops, and I hope that America gives you another shot.” Randy thinks maybe she was pushing so hard that all the notes were going sharp, but she’s got an incredible voice, she’s so young, blah, blah, blah. Are most singers, like, tone-deaf until they’re 21? Why are we so amazed she’s 17 and can sing? Randy thinks the song was too old for her and encourages her to be 17, because you can only be 17 once.
So that’s it. They do the little clips of each performance and the first two are totally messed up, like they’re missing a very key audio cable or something, because we can hardly hear the vocals at all. So poor Paige gets totally screwed out of her recap, and when they finally get the cable back in or whatever, we catch the very last word of Ashley’s. Okay, so who’s leaving? I’m guessing two of the following four people will be gone come Thursday: Lacey, Siobhan, Paige and Michelle. Hope I’m right. I definitely want Haeley and Didi and Crystal to stay. And Katelyn might be growing on me. Fingers crossed.
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