If I Were Bikini Girl, I’d Kiss You Right Now
by Mordant Monkey
So while Tuesday’s two-hour extravaganza revealed only 7 of the top 24, the one-hour show Wednesday will name the remaining 17. I’ll never understand this show.
We’re in the waiting room, and the contestants look tired, depressed, psychotic, and suicidal. “It’s complete and total agony,” one of them whispers to us.
Janell Wheeler is up first. Simon tells her he couldn’t remember her. Oh come on. I mean, she’s absolutely stunning. I highly doubt Simon forgot her.
She’s worried that her losing her voice is going to ruin her chances. Ellen wants to chitchat with her, and Janell is like, could we please just get this OVER with already, and Ellen tells her she’s through. She is still crying with joy when she runs into Ryan, who hugs her. “If I were Bikini Girl I’d kiss you right now,” she says. That’s funny.
Tyler Grady with the fluffy hair and Mick Jagger mouth we see singing “Home” by Daughtry for his final song, and then he tells the judges he doesn’t want them to take that too literally. Sigh. The judges inwardly groan but assure him they won’t.
Kara likes the word “fancy” and Tyler says his idols are from the ‘60s and ‘70s. Kara continues to involve him in a pointless conversation that is going nowhere fast, and then after disgusting flirting by Kara, she puts him through. Yuck, Kara.
Lacy Brown has been here before. And it seems that she and Adam Lambert have the same makeup artist working overtime. She made the top 50 last season and Simon messes with her and then tells her she’s through. I kind of like Lacy. I don’t remember seeing much of her to this point.
Alicia Keys lookalike Ashley Rodriguez gets about three seconds of air time as we see her react to being told she’s through. Alex Lambert, same thing. Joe Munoz is “one of the twelve,” Simon tells him. So that makes 13, Ryan tells us.
Now we’re dealing with Crystal Bowersox. Hmmmm. She says she’s not too worried—whatever happens, happens. Well, that’s the most relaxed I’ve ever seen any competitor on this show, I think. But it’s a good attitude.
Simon asks her how she’s doing and then asks if she thinks this show is the right platform for her. She says she feels that she can surprise the judges. Simon tells her that all of the judges were in agreement: She’s in the top 24. She starts to cry and then shows the judges the picture of her baby. Then we see the real baby outside with Ryan and some guy and they hug and the baby is really cute.
Katie Stevens, the 17-year-old with the grandmother who has Alzheimer’s, is the next victim. Ellen dicks around with her and says she doesn’t like hurting anyone’s feelings, so … Katie is going through. On her way out, Simon asks her, “How’s your grandma?” Katie gave the so-so sign with her hand, and Simon says, “She’ll be happy.” That was quite human of him.
Now a montage of no. I don’t recognize any of these people, so I can’t feel too badly about this. One jerkoff tells us, “I’m upset as all hell. I should’ve been on the show.” Another weeping girl cries, “I wanted it so bad.”
It’s been a long day for the judges, Ryan informs us. And now we’re on to Angela Martin, who is making her third stab at “Idol.” She impressed during her auditions for the most part. Her dad died, and her daughter has seizures, and she went to jail for a traffic offense, and this year she feels that she’s grown and won’t give up. She’s crying even before she sits down with the judges. Jesus. Kara sits with her, so basically Angela is on her lap. And Kara tells her she didn’t make it but that she’s an amazing, brave, talented person and she shouldn’t quit. What a crock of shit. Why does Kara have to be such a patronizing bitch? Ryan asks Angela to promise to look back on this week and use it as a positive, and she does. As Angela leaves the building, she says, “I can’t give up. That’s not an option. I love music. Music heals me.” I think she dealt with this crap with a great deal of class. Well done, Angela, and thank you.
Lilly Scott with the odd-colored greyish hair and the cool, funky voice is up. She says she didn’t do so well in her final performance, which was “Rich Girl” by Hall and Oates. What an odd song choice. Kara grins at her and asks how she felt she did. And then Kara farts around awhile and then puts her through. She gives a huge war whoop when she gets back to the hallway with Ryan. I expect good things from her. Don’t disappoint me, Lilly!
Other people who made it: Paige Miles, Siobhan Magnus, Michelle Delamor, Jermaine Sellers, John Park. There are two girls left—Haeley Vaughn and Tori Kelly—but only one spot. Eeeek! Simon tells her she’s fantastic at some times and annoying at others. Tori says she had a great time during her last performance. They’re not with the judges together, but they keep flipping between the two. Okay, so Tori’s out and Haeley’s in. I had the feeling it would be that way.
Coming up: the final two guys. Thaddeus Johnson or Andrew Garcia, the Danny Gokey lookalike. Oh god, Thaddeus is the one with the annoying stage mother. A huge deal is made out of the fact that when Thaddeus went to sing a song, he corrected the band for launching into “Bubbly,” the incorrect song. Was he just supposed to let it go and sing the wrong song? What’s the big freaking deal? Why does “Idol” have to manufacture drama where there is none?
Simon cuts right to the chase with Thaddeus and says he didn’t make it. He did nothing wrong but he just didn’t make it. Thaddeus doesn’t understand how this could be, but I assume it’s because he just wasn’t good enough. He absolutely has a breakdown outside and I’m just embarrassed watching this. What is he, four years old? Jesus. Finally he goes into the restroom and hides in the stall. With his mother.
So that means Andrew is in, but he doesn’t know it yet. Ellen puts him through without too much drama, and there is a lot of crying and he calls his mom and then cries so much he gets the hiccups. That’s kind of cute.
So that’s the top 24! And “Hallelujah” plays in the background. That’s kind of weird. The top 12 girls will perform for us next Tuesday, the boys Wednesday. I’m really irritated about the way they patronized poor Angela Martin, but maybe I’ll be over it by then.
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