I Thought That it was a Disaster

I Thought That it was a Disaster

by Paulette Frank

So I feel totally gypped, because I’m watching this show to see awesome singers do their thing, and instead, all I’m getting is a bunch of regurgitated crap I’ve already seen before mixed in with misleading splicing and the obligatory tears (both of joy and disappointment) and suspenseful music. But at least it’s the last of it–of no new performances, anyway.

So first we have a recap of the seven of the Top 24 announced on Tuesday’s show: “Big Mike” Lynche, Didi Benami, Lee Dewyze, Todrick Hall, Aaron Kelly, Casey James, and Katelyn Epperly. There are 17 spots left, and 37 people waiting in the holding room. Alex Lambert tells us he’s ready right now, and he wishes he’d been the first person to know if he’d made it or not. Yeah, Alex, I think the suspense takes a toll on everyone. Joe Muñoz (I think?) is feeling shaky, but Ryan tells us no one is feeling shakier than Janell Wheeler. We get a little recap–“House of the Rising Sun” in Orlando, “American Boy” in Hollywood, but then we hear something about her crappy performance on Group Day, and we hear Ellen say, “I thought that was … a disaster.” Well, I don’t really remember her performance in particular, but I do remember liking her group, which also had Casey James and maybe Jermaine? Anyway, then we hear her flub the words to “Love Story” by Taylor Swift and look terrified and sing rather terribly at her final solo performance, and I’m thinking maybe she’s gone. But then she goes and sits in front of the judges and we hear her talk about how she doesn’t think anything is as hard as American Idol, and Ellen tells her about they can only pick 12 girls and 12 boys and it’s really hard to tell someone who has a great voice that they’re not going to go through, because it doesn’t make sense. Because they’ve got a great voice. “So I’m not going to tell you you’re not going through. I’m going to tell you you’re going through.” Janell says yay, Ellen says yay, Janell says yay again, and Ellen tells her to say it louder. Yay!! When she gets outside, Ryan wants to know what kind of tears she’s got, and they’re tears of joy, and then she tells him, “If I were Bikini Girl, I’d kiss you right now.”

Next to hear his fate is Tyler James, the Jim Morrisonesque drummer who broke both his wrists after falling out of a tree. “Fancy seeing you guys here,” he tells the judges as he goes to his chair. Kara likes the word ‘fancy’, and then informs him he’s very seventies, and wants to know what’s up with that, and he talks about how he likes Robert Plant and Roger Daltrey. Kara asks about his moves (because he’s got some moves, apparently) and she’s itching to use that as the segue into their decision. “Do you think you’re going to bring some of those moves if you stay on the show?” He very confidently tell her, “Oh, absolutely.” But then when she says, “You would?” he thinks maybe they don’t want his moves, so he says, “Whatever kind of moves you want, I’ll give you.” Randy laughs when Kara says, “Really?” in maybe a pervy schoolteacher kind of way, and Kara tells him that they want to see his moves and that he’s going through. Then he does the golden ticket fakeout outside, but without the golden ticket, it’s kind of lame. It’s also lame with the golden ticket.

Nine down, fifteen to go. Before the commercial, we see a little preview of what’s to come, which is Lacy going to hear her fate for the second year in a row, and Simon telling Crystal Bowersox (whom I always want to call Amanda), “This isn’t the right platform for you.” So I’m all pissy because I REALLY like her, and there’s no way that they should’ve chosen Janell over her.

So after the commercial, we see a flashback of the judges choosing Megan Joy over Lacy last year, and then we cut to this year, and Lacy sitting in the Chair of Fate. Simon wants to know if she thinks they made the right decision or the wrong decision last year. It’s like when the Dean of Admissions asks what your weaknesses are, and retarded people say, “Oh, I don’t have any weaknesses. I’m awesome.” So Lacy gives Simon the right answer. “I think it was the right decision. I think I needed to wait a year.” This time it’s Simon’s turn to deliver the long, drawn-out news, which is the “really good” sort. “A dream finally realized for Lacy,” says Ryan, “thanks in no small part to her haunting performance on Day 4.” Then we see a little bit of the ‘haunting’ performance, which wasn’t haunting at all, but was an interesting rendition of “It’s a Wonderful World”. Well, whatever. Then Ryan talks about other people who have reason to celebrate, and while we still hear Lacy singing, we watch Ashley Rodriguez (why have we seen, like, none of her?), Alex Lambert, and Joe Muñoz getting their news.

Now we see Crystal Bowersox’s recap (“You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman”), and hear about how laidback she is, and then someone asks her whether she cares about the competition, and of course she does. She talks about she can’t deny that this is a big deal, that the show is, like, huge , and, like, 3 million people watch it. We can hear someone say “30” off-camera, and she says, “THIRTY million? Wow, you just made me nervous.” For me, personally, stage fright occurs at 16.2 million. All right, so she sits down, and Simon says, “I’m guessing that you would’ve looked–normally–on a show like this and probably thought this isn’t the right platform for someone like you.” Those bastards. Shoulda seen that coming for sure. Simon wants her to know that they were all in agreement on this decision, and the decision is … yes, she made it. She goes over to thank them and show a picture of her boy, and as she’s leaving, Randy calls her Mama Sox. Ryan tells us that after the break, I’ll find out the fate of some of my favorites. Awfully presumptuous, I’d say.

Ok, so now it’s 14 down, 10 to go, and Katie Stevens is up next. We know they all love her. Kara has already told her she might win. Watching her recap and hearing the judges’ decision is just a huge waste of time. Give some other people some air time, you know? I mean, I don’t even know who the hell Joe Muñoz is. Ellen gives her the good news.

15 down, 9 to go. Time to see some people who didn’t make it, and listen to judges saying, “It’s bad news … You didn’t make it … Take your stupid look-at-me glasses and go the hell home.” The girl who made it to Hollywood because she was on a plane for 14 hours wanted it so bad, she says, and she’s crying while she hugs her mother and her father tells her he knows. Now it’s Angela Martin’s turn, and this is her third time in Hollywood, and maybe this is her turn to be in the top 24. The first time, her father died, and the second time, she had to leave to serve six days in jail. Sucks. So this time, she’s crying on the walk to the Chair of Fate, and she tries to say hey when she sits down, but nothing really comes out, and Kara stands up and starts walking over to her, announcing, “I’m gonna go sit with you. Can you move over?” Well, no, Kara, she really can’t. So Angela’s perched on the skinny little arm of the Chair while Kara gets the good spot. “We just think you are so special and you’ve improved so much,” she says with her arm around her, sort of emphasizing each word with jostle. “Don’t we guys?” Yes, they all do. Angela closes her eyes and points her head up and is frowned up and crying a little bit while Kara goes on with her BS about growth and whatnot, and how it’s so difficult to pick 12 girls. “Look at me,” and when she does, Kara looks at her very meaningfully and says, “I’m sorry, you didn’t make it. But listen. You are a great singer. You know what? There are other ways to do it, and you’ve got it in you.” Then she looks back at the others. “Right, guys? We wanna encourage her to keep going.” Yes, that’s right. Ugh. Heartbreaking. I hate this crap. So I guess she’s 28 or something, I can’t remember, because they’re not encouraging her to come back next year. Then she goes outside and Ryan acts like … I don’t know, like he’s her father or boyfriend or someone who has any kind of right to say in this incredibly serious, low-pitched voice, “Promise me you’ll think back and look at this week and use it as a positive for you. Promise me?” She promises, and he informs her she can’t go back on that promise.

Now it’s time to learn the fate of Lily Scott, the one with the dyed grey hair and huge, peacock feather earrings. (Did you know a female peacock is a peahen? Makes sense. And peafowl is gender-neutral.) Recap, she’s jazzy, blah blah blah, but we do see her practicing “Rich Girl” with the band and she comes in early and someone in the band yells at her, “Intro! Intro!” and then when she stops, “Intro!” again. Bastard. I like her a lot, though, and she always seems really happy when she watches other people on the show do well. So she sits down in front of the judges, and as she talks about the past week, I realize that she has a rather deep speaking voice. Kara tries to fake her out by talking about how she doesn’t have the biggest voice, and really this show is about that in a lot of ways, about who can sing the highest notes, blah blah blah, but to Kara, that’s not always the best singing. She’s through. Yay. Outside she tells us she’s so stoked.

16 down, 8 to go. No recap. Straight to finding out Paige Miles is through. “What?” she says. She can’t believe it, so Ellen repeats it. “You’re through.” Who the hell is Paige Miles? Siobhan Magnus is also through (I do remember her from the Group Day/Night catfights … wasn’t she in Destiny’s Wild?), and so is Michelle Delamor. Don’t know who the hell she is, either. Jermaine Sellers is through, and I do feel pretty sure he was the one who performed with Janell and Casey James. Jon Park is through, and I have this vague sort of recollection about him from his audition, like maybe Kara was hitting on him or something. Then we see them all laughing and jumping and hugging and crying and generally going all apeshit.

So now it’s 21 down, 3 to go. Ryan tells us it’s 9:00 (my closed caption reads “It’s 9:30”) and there are only two girls left in the holding area, and only one spot. It’s between Haeley Vaughn (love her!! Even with the lisp.) and Tori Kelley (don’t remember her!! Even with that funky streak of blonde.). They’re both 16. Tori reminds me of someone and I can’t figure out who the hell it is. I’m pretty sure it’s someone I don’t like, though. So I want to concentrate on the drama as they juxtapose their walks to the Chair, and cut from one to the other as they answer how they’re doing, but all I can think is, “How the hell are they gonna do this? Whoever is actually going second has to know the fate of the first one, right?” Whatever. Maybe they put #2 in a soundproof room. Wait, does that mean she wouldn’t be able to hear what’s going on outside AND we couldn’t hear what’s going on inside? Or just one or the other? Whatever, they seem to be clueless about each other’s fate. Simon tells Haeley that sometimes she’s fantastic and sometimes she’s annoying (She IS 16, after all. Isn’t that what they expect out of all of them, anyway? The annoying part, that is?), but she IS super, super talented. Unfortunately for her, according to Simon, she picked a year with a lot of strong girls. Cut to Tori. How does she think she did? Honestly, she thinks her last performance was … the most FUN she’s had in a while, etc., etc. Not sure that’s what Randy was asking, but ok. We get to see some of it, and it’s that song that says something about hot when you’re cold, up when you’re down, black when you’re white, something else opposite … yeah, I guess she looked like she was having fun, but it wasn’t awe-inspiring or even really all that good. It better be Haeley. They do some more cutting back and forth, and my closed caption tells me I’m listening to “suspenseful music”. Cut to many, many seconds later, and we find out it’s Haeley. Woo-hoo!! Tori’s okay with it. She’s definitely a singer and isn’t going to give up. Haeley is blessed. Truly blessed. And thankful.

Okay, so adding these guys up one at a time isn’t working, because that’s 22 but now Ryan tells us there’s only one spot left. Okay. After a commercial break, Ryan says it’s 9:30 on the streets of Hollywood (“It’s 9:00 …” says my caption), and the holding room is almost empty. The only two left are Thaddeus Johnson (the BIG black 16-year-old) and Andrew Garcia (the guy who did the “genius” version of “Straight Up”). I want it to be Andrew, because Thaddeus seems like a whiny little bitch (at least from what I saw in Group Night Catfights 9). But aww, it’s sweet how much his mom loves him. We see her hugging on him and kissing on him and acting all proud mama-y. Andrew talks about his family and he just wants to provide for his kid and his girl (oh, ok, when we saw the skinny, funky-haired, flat-chested thing the last time, Andrew didn’t specify, and I actually thought his wife/girlfriend could be a husband/boyfriend). We once again see Thaddeus tell the band, “I’m not ‘Bubbly’” when they start the intro to the wrong song on his solo, and then we hear him talk about how after he performed “Man in the Mirror”, he walked past the judges and overheard Kara talking about how great it was. It’s reminding me of how Rocker Mom wasn’t worried at all about making it into the Top 24. Hah! Suck it!

They’re not doing the same thing they did with the girls. We’re going to find out Thaddeus’ fate first. It’s not good. He cries. Simon tells him he’s sorry and that he didn’t do anything wrong. Randy starts talking about all the people they liked this year, offering some kind of condolences, and Thaddeus is still crying, but Simon is in a hurry because he has to go to TJ Maxx to buy a new pack of white T-shirts, so he cuts Randy off and stands up and says to Thaddeus, “C‘mon, chin up, chin up,” which I guess is the arts/theatre version of ‘walk it off’. Outside, he’s still sobbing, and he’s walking away from everyone, but his mom is hanging on him (wait, I don’t think it’s his mom, but I don’t know who the hell it is … can’t be his girlfriend, according to the billowy purple scarf I saw draped carefully/casually around his neck earlier) and eventually gets him to stop so she can hug him. Cut to him doing his goodbye thing in front of the blue AI background, and he’s saying, “Yeah, it’s a big shock because they loved me–or they acted like they loved me. It was kinda fake.” Then Mama (for real, yo) follows him into the bathroom. And into the stall. Well, whatever. He’s probably not doing anything in there but crying, anyway, with all the cameras and mics around.

Ryan tells us that back in the theatre, Andrew has no idea that Thaddeus has just been cut, and we see Andrew take a seat. Ellen wants to know how he’s doing. “Good.” But then she wants to know with some crazy, wide-eyed expression, how he FEELS. He stammers something about crazy emotions, and then Ellen reminds him how they can only put through 24 people, but then she wants to know if he feels good about what he did this week. He does. She does , too, and hardly keeps him in suspense at all. “You made it.” He has kind of a delayed reaction, but finally he sits there crying with his head in his hands. In front of the blue background, he calls his dad on speakerphone, and cries and tells him he made it to the top 24, and his dad is crying while he’s saying, “You did? Oh, mi hijo!” I think. Talking to Ryan, Andrew seems to be crying so hard he’s given himself the hiccups. Aww.

Now we listen to “Hallelujah” and watch our Top 24’s memorable moments, and their reactions to finding out their statuses, and it’s all very heartwarming and moving. And we’re done. Next week is more performances. Yay! I can’t wait. The girls are up first on Tuesday, and I’m most excited about Didi Benami and Crystal Bowersox. Oh, and Haeley. And Lily. Damn, I like a lot of them. Plus, I want to see what Ashley can do because I remember thinking she’d do well when we saw her in Boston but we’ve hardly seen her since. Well, we’ll see her now. Three cheers for live performances!! Woo-hoo!!