I Hit My High Note

by Mordant Monkey

Tonight we’re in Jacksonville, FL, “The River City By the Sea.” We start out with Ryan in one of the judges’ cars wth Simon. They show us the progression of black cars, complete with a police escort. Is that necessary? Then Simon and Ryan start bickering about something confusing and not worth trying to figure out, and I already am preparing myself for a very long hour. This is A-MER-ican Idol!

Apparently the city is named after Randy Jackson, who, 25 years ago, used to play a polka dotted pink guitar, had a gravity-defying wedge haircut, used to tour with Journey, and was popular in Jacksonville. At least that’s what it seems the show would have you believe. They explain all this to the tune of “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and somehow I’m slightly embarrassed for Randy as Ryan states, “This crowd belonged to the Dawg.” Randy, though, does not look at all embarrassed, so I just don’t know what to say about that.

Joshua Ulloa, a 22-year-old from Beverly Hills, FL, tells us he is constantly compared to Justin Guarini, Season One’s runner-up, and he makes for a believable double with his super-curly hair. He comes in screaming and bouncing and announces he’s going to sing “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye. Complete with a make-believe harmonica, no less. He sounds decent with the singing, and then he throws in a little beatboxing. “In parts you were very good,” Simon tells him, but then informs him after those parts it became corny. I’m guessing that Simon’s referring to when he went Blake Lewis on them. “Entertaining–definitely not boring!” Randy observes. In all, Joshua-Justin gets four yeses through to Hollywood, and we’re treated to a shot of him spazzing as he leaves the building.

Sharon Wilbur, who’s a 25-year-old from Jacksonville, FL, brings her Shih Tzu, Sasha, to the audition. As a gimmick, it’s certainly less desperate and degrading than Bikini Girl’s, and Sasha even got a trim for the occasion and is cute and fluffy. Sasha goes on Simon’s lap for the song (of course!), which is “Superstar” by Karen Carpenter. Sharon has a distinctly bohemian look to her, with a patterned dress and feathers in her hair, and her voice is gravelly and on pitch and I like it. She’s a bit cutesy and sings forever, but it’s pretty good. The judges start talking amongst themselves about what I have no idea, and then they show the clip they’ve been teasing us with for the past two weeks of Paula putting her hand over Kara’s mouth and then kissing her hand, and Sharon’s standing there wondering what the hell, and it’s four yeses and she’s through. I hope it’s worth it, Sharon.

So, it’s time for the commercial, and we’re not ten minutes into the show, we’ve seen no freakshows, and we’ve let two people through to Hollywood? What’s the catch, Idol? I’m on my guard.

There are more shots of Jacksonville when we come back, and I must say it’s just horrible to show us sun and sand and surf when there are storms raging all over the place and we’re buried under feet of snow with no chance of even seeing grass until June. Ryan is driving a golf cart, and he’s going off-roading and pretending to be stranded. Whatever.

Dana Moreno, who is 22 and from West Palm Beach, FL, screeches out a terrible “Through the Fire” by Chaka Khan. She’s shut down and shown out by Simon, thankfully, but not before I look around for a blunt object to jab into my ears. Kaneswa Finney, a 16-year-old from Jacksonville, FL, is next. She’s shy and cute, and she’s going to sing “Caught Up In the Rapture” by Anita Baker. That’s a pretty ambitious song, I think to myself. She starts off with the “ba ba ba” part at the beginning, which was just plain weird, and then sings the parts with words as though she’s got a wicked head cold and is in desperate need of some TheraFlu. Her voice is flat and blatty. “It actually got progressively worse,” Simon informs her. “Your voice is terrible. Are you surprised?” Kaneswa fires back with, “From you, no,” but she really does have a terrible voice. However, since her mom tells her she has a good voice, she believes her mom and not people who actually deal with talent for a living. Simon is now as annoyed as I am, and he calls Kaneswa’s mom in and tells her the audition was terrible. So there.

Beauty queen Julissa Veloz, 19 years old and from Orlando, FL, is next. Complete with tiara and sash. God. Apparently she’s Miss Florida Latina USA. Seriously? That’s a competition? Anyway, she’s going to sing Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing,” which surprises me by being fairly decent until the unplanned key change. Key, schmey, right? Simon instantly dislikes it, because it’s Whitney and it’s not perfect, but Julissa begs, “If you give me a chance, I’ll sing it any which way you want it.” How accommodating! The judges then, for some unknown reason, spend way too much time mocking Julissa’s goofy, horse-like laugh but give her four yeses, so she’s through, and my head is spinning.

Love is in the air, Ryan warns us. Oh, good. There’s shots of different people sitting on the judges’ laps, Ryan sitting on someone’s lap–Kara’s, I think–and then we meet Darin Darnell, a 28-year-old from Houston, TX. Wow, our first out-of-stater. Darin is working the waiting room, talking to people indiscriminately, dancing, laughing, doing the limbo … this guy has more energy than he knows what to do with. Just looking at those lines of thousands upon thousands of people who show up for these auditions is enough to make me tired. And then Darin finds out that his new best friend, whom he just met that day, didn’t make it to Hollywood, and Darin is crying. Is Darin manic depressive? I think he should seriously get that checked out. Now Darin mopes into the judges’ room, and he wants to sing “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men maybe in mourning for his BFF’s dashed hopes? But Darin is so busy crying and coughing and sobbing and gulping that he can’t sing, and the judges are considering saying goodbye to Darin, and then he does start to sing and I so wish he had stuck to crying because he sounds like a foghorn. “The voice just isn’t there,” Simon tells him, which is the understatement of the evening so far. So far. Kara warns Darin tritely that the music business is paved with heartache as Darin cries more, and then Darin leaves, hopefully in search of some Atavan or Paxil. The judges look tired after the draining experience of Darin. Me? I’m still trying to figure out what happened to the love that was meant to be in the air.

Naomi Sykes is this week’s Rebecca Garcia. Remember her from Louisville last week? The one who tried to sing “Before He Cheats” and Kara thought it was a joke and totally insulted her, causing consternation and therapy? Right. Well, Naomi has beautiful hair and is very excited, but she instantly ruins it by telling us that she compares herself to Mariah Carey because of her high notes. I’m sorry, that just waves a red flag in my face, Idol–it’s too obvious she’s being set up for failure galore. And oh boy, is she. But before she auditions, she tells the judges that she has a friend who wants to meet Randy. Randy is unduly pleased and compliments Naomi on her choice of a smart friend. Oh come now, can we just get on with it already? I mean, this isn’t even remotely interesting. Samantha comes in and sits on Randy’s lap, and Naomi is jittering around like she’s got an untreated venereal disease, causing Kara to ask her does she have ants in her pants. Sigh. So then Paula sits on Simon’s lap, and Ryan sits on Kara’s lap, and just when I think we’re finally ready for this, Naomi tells her she’s going to sing “Lovin’ You” by Minnie Rippleton, and I know that all I want to do is flee as quickly as possible, but it’s too late because she’s already started. And I find myself in Kara’s position last week, wondering is this a joke, because no one could possibly sound this utterly horrific and then audition for American Idol thinking they have a chance, right? She’s actually more speaking the words than singing them, except for the “la la la la la” part, which the judges joined in for, and then there was the thin, wavery note at the end that had dogs across Jacksonville howling in pain. “Everyone tells me I’m great,” Naomi tells the astonished judges, who are still reeling. Naturally, as I do, the judges think it was all a big joke, and then Naomi’s feelings are hurt, and I feel bad, but christ on a cracker, was she awful. Naomi and the judges (minus Simon) hug it out, and then we have one last interview with Naomi, who says, “I don’t know what I did wrong. I hit my high note.” Awesome. Keep your spirits up, Naomi!

All in all, only nine golden tickets were given out on Day One in Jacksonville. “They weren’t very good,” a rather shell-shocked Simon tells Ryan. “I think mostly they were terrible.” Why, then, the show kept to the mainly decent ones and mostly avoided the wack jobs is a mystifying event to me, but I’m certainly not going to complain.

It’s a new day, and hopes are high, Ryan informs us. Jasmine Murray, who’s 16 and from Stockville, MS, is stunning and surrounded by more stunning women, who turn out to be her sisters and mother. She’s going to sing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. Interesting. She sounds okay. I mean, I don’t feel it’s anything to write home about, personally, but the judges and I don’t always agree on these things. “Cute, commercial, and you’re a very, very good singer,” Simon ruminates. She gets four yeses, and Jasmine and her sisters and mother skip down the road to “We Are Family.”

And then we have George Ramirez, who’s 18 and lives in Jacksonville, FL. George is studying physics, he informs us, and I’m already wondering is he going to turn into another Ross Plavsic and explain to us how he’s used the concept of thermodynamics to teach himself how to sing. But no, that would’ve been asking a lot. George has a full beard, unusual for an 18-year-old, and a serial killer aura about him. Simon asks him where he sees himself in the future, and George says he’d like a simple house with marble floors. That is just so utterly strange-sounding yet oddly humble that I have no idea what to say. Anyway, George is singing “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves, but it’s more like he’s whispering or talking than singing. The judges are incredulous, and Simon sums it up when he asks the question, “This isn’t for you, is it?” Silence. “I’ll tell you–it isn’t.”

Anne Marie Boskovich sucks up to Kara by singing one of her songs that she heard her sing somewhere sometime, and Kara loves her, but Simon tells her he has a problem with her–she’s not a star. By this I assume he means she has no star quality? Because if she were already a star, she wouldn’t be auditioning for AI now, would she? So he tells her to go out and come back as a different person. She seemed fine to me, and she had a pretty voice. Well, stay tuned to see who she comes back as.

T.K. Hash, a 23-year-old from Concord, NC, is back from last year and is singing “Imagine” by John Lennon, inspired by David Archuleta. Groan. It’s bluesy and freestyle with lots of runs. Paula tells him he sounds better this year, and Randy says it was too over the top with the runs. Simon tells him no flat-out, but the other three vote him through.

Michael Perrelli is 18 and is from Orlando, FL. He’s wearing a bandana and carrying a guitar and crooning “Hey There, Delilah” fairly decently, so I’m expecting something here. But it turns out he’s not allowed to audition with the guitar, causing an instant brain meltdown for Michael. I mean, he was freaking out, hyperventilating and everything. Pull yourself together, man! And he does. He’s going to sing “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind. A contemporary song? Simon will hate it, I’m guessing. It’s not bad at all, but Simon tells him, “You’re quite interesting, but your voice isn’t.” Michael begins to whimper now, and I brace myself for the inevitable begging that will follow. Simon sees where it’s going and heads him off at the pass, telling him, “Don’t start pleading like that.” Michael, you have not reflected well upon yourself this day. He keeps trying to explain himself, and it’s just painful now, and he is summarily excused. We get one more whiny quote: “I’m going to make it. I’m good enough,” and then we’re done with Michael.

Anne Marie is back! And she’s got more makeup and less clothes. That’s what you wanted, right, Simon? She sings “Bubbly” by Colby Caillat, and she’s got a really nice voice. Randy says she’s got a great voice, the girls love her, and she’s through. I don’t know what all that was about, but she’s going to Hollywood.

There’s a “Walking on Sunshine” montage with people getting their golden tickets, and the show is over. Wow! That had to be the most normal AI audition show ever. What the hell’s going on? Tomorrow: Salt Lake City, the hometown of David Archuleta. That’ll give me a reason to get out of bed tomorrow.

In summation: 16 golden tickets were awarded in Jacksonville, which was named after Randy Jackson, evidently. It’s necessary to be a star before becoming a star, according to Simon. Whining gets you nowhere in life except an early exit, and physicians should probably stick to physics and not singing. I’m just sayin’.