Don’t Beg. It’s Not Cool.
by Mordant Monkey
Drama and despair! Shouting and screaming! Cursing and crying! It must be group night at American Idol!
Of the 181 hopefuls, 85 people crashed and burned on the first day. And now it’s the “dreaded group night,” says Ryan. Contestants try to glom together to form a group that sucks less than the others, and, as we’ve seen, one bad decision can scar one for life.
A group of three becomes a group of five, and why is this interesting? The Mighty Rangers are all from Denver. Whoopee. One group decides to be creative and different. Well, that WOULD be a switch.
One girl who made it last year this far and was in Danny Gokey’s group is here. The Mighty Rangers are disorganized. “I’m pissed about it,” says a girl with a large, sparkly scarf. The Dreamers, which evidently has horrible rocker chick in it, has no idea what they’re doing.
At midnight everyone is still rehearsing. Yeah, it’s early yet for tonight. More infighting and confusion with rocker chick. Boring. Neapolitan is the name of a group, and they’re singing Lady Gaga. Of course they are! And another group, Destiny’s Wild, is also doing Lady Gaga. And they’re really loud. So now both Lady Gaga groups are next to each other, and since they have no concept of volume control, both groups are screaming their songs at the tops of their lungs.
Okay, back to the creative and different group: They seem to be in a storage closet. Not a bad plan.
Back to rocker chick Mary’s group the Dreamers: no one knows who is in or out of the group. Jesus, who cares?
Team Harmony has the expectant father in it. No baby has been born yet, but they show him on the phone with wife.
Mighty Rangers are very tired, as it’s 3:20 a.m. And so they’re going to bed. The Dreamers are still arguing about shit that no one cares about. Mary wants to argue with the accompanist, who jumps all over her and puts her back in her place right quick. Destiny’s Wild is asleep, waiting for the accompanist. Neapolitan is rehearsing but sound awful because of the late hour.
“Fatigue and frustration take over!” warns Ryan before we go to commercial. Ye gods, I can hardly wait! Why is this season so freaking boring?
Okay, we’re back, and people are rehearsing in corners while eating breakfast. At 10:30 a.m., it’s final dress rehearsal, and Phoenix keeps forgetting the words. Mary admonishes a group member to do something, even if it’s to babble incoherently, evidently.
Big Mike gets the call from his wife that it might be in the next hour or so.
Destiny’s Wild thinks very highly of themselves, and Mary cries because she’s sad that she’s not ruining that group instead of her own group. I so want to slap her.
Big Mike gets the phone call right as they file into the theatre: His wife is ready? Yep, and the camera crew is there with her as well as him, which is great. Mike is talking her through it, and then one final push and it’s a girl. Mike sobs. Awww. Okay, back to work, Mike.
The first group comprises Michelle Delamor, Ashley Rodriguez, and Charity Vance, and they are Faith. Singing “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce in three-part harmony that doesn’t suck. I don’t really remember any of them except the one who looks like Alicia Keys. Charity, the little blonde, and the other two members, are through. So the day starts off well, but I have the feeling it won’t last.
Team Awesome are singing “Get Ready” in a sort of pleading manner that doesn’t make me think that they’re really ready, but what can they do at this point? It’s Michael Castro, Big Mike, Seth Rollins, and Tim Urban. If I were any one of them, I’d be worried.
So Tim and Mike are through, but Seth, who has a son with autism, is out, and so is Castro.
Neapolitan is ready to go! And they’re feuding with Destiny’s Wild! Look at all of the manufactured drama! No, LOOK at it! Okay. Liz Rooney, Thaddeus Johnson, Jessica Cunningham, and mystery girl start to sing, but that’s not important, because we have to focus on the drama that they have going on with Destiny’s Wild. Not the singing. Not the singing. Which is fine with me, because it was a bit wonky in parts. But Simon likes it, so they’re all through.
Now it’s time for Destiny’s Child, who are singing the same song as Neapolitan. Todrick Hall, Theri (like Cher, she apparently is so famous she only has one name), Jareb Liewer, and Siobhan Magnus are popping with energy and making the previous group look like crap. And then for some reason the song goes to hell in the last line. Ellen calls it surreal and weird. But they’re all through, so okay.
A trio of ladies make it through, and a Gerard Butler-type guy makes it as well. A group of four girls make it too. Good thing we spent so much time on the Destiny’s Wild feud with Neapolitan, or else we might actually have had to HEAR them.
Tori Kelly, Maddie Penrose, Mark Labriola, and Kimberly Kerbow. The first two remember the words, the latter two do not. And then there’s Danny. Tori and Maddie make it through, but Mark wants to argue with the judges. “Don’t beg. It’s not cool,” Simon snaps.
More time is wasted on the crying Mark, who is convinced that just one more chance would’ve made worlds of difference. Become Ski Go Ski, Mark.
Jermaine Sellers’ group has had nothing but trouble, we hear. Unlike every other group, I assume? And one member of the group has decided to up and leave. Wow, really? Oh, it’s Phoenix. Well, they’re a group of four instead of five; let’s see how they do. Ben Honeycutt, Jeff Goldford, Moorea Masa, and Jermaine Sellers, and of them, only Jermaine and Jeff can remember the words to “Carry On My Wayward Son.” Horrible harmonies.
Moorea cries about how much their group has gone through, which, what? They didn’t go through more than anyone else, and if they lost a group member, they were better off without her anyway. Jermaine and Jeff got through, and so it goes. Moorea regales us with tales of how she’s grown as a person, and I am so over Phoenix.
In his own cute, blond way, Ryan warns us that the upcoming “Sweet Escape” is going to suck big ones. And boy, is he right. Four chicks scat and mess up the words and generally blow chunks while the judges watch in horror.
Jailbird is back, and we revisit his audition. Amanda the drama queen is back as well. And they’re in a group with two others, singing the same pitiful Gwen Stefani song. Matt Lawrence, Amanda Shechtman, and the others suck as badly as the first group. They’re all out. “It was as bad as I’ve ever heard in my life,” Simon says flatly. Crying, crying, crying.
More saying goodbye, Drama Queen with mascara literally all over her cheeks. God she’s awful. I’m so glad we don’t have her to deal with in the future.
Janell Wheeler is in a group with Jermaine Purifory and Casey James, and they all rock. Andrew Garcia, Katie Stevens, and J.B. Ahfua all are awesome as well. Where were we when J.B. Ahfua was auditioning? Watching some retard dressed as a guitar or a chicken suit or something equally lame act like a jacktard. That’s where.
The Dream-on-ers are out of sync and easily hateable. Mary Powers is running roughshod all over the rest of the group, who seem to despise her. And she starts off the trainwreck with a little-dog yelp and a giggle that make Simon and Ellen look at her oddly. Hope Johnson sings, Margo May screeches, Alex Lambert rasps, and Simon gives up on them at that point. Mary, Alex, and Hope get through. This upsets me, but there it is there.
So from 96, we’re only down to 71. Wow, what a pointless day. We only lost 25 people, but we had to waste half the hour on the throwdown between Destiny’s Wild and Neapolitan? This show is so irritating.
Next week … more singing. The contestants sing once more to prove to the judges that they deserve to be in the top 24. And then next Wednesday, it seems the top 24 will be revealed. And then we can start getting down to brass tacks. Hallelujah.
by 
