America Gets It Wrong
by Mordant Monkey
It’s the first results show, and we’re expecting that guy who won last season. No, not Adam Lambert, that other guy. Kris someone.
And we’re losing two girls and two guys tonight! Based on what I’ve seen over the past week, they could easily chop the field in half and we’d not miss anyone. But that’s just me.
Ryan asks Simon was he harsher last night than normal. Simon doesn’t think he was. He was trying to be helpful and honest. Ryan looks skeptical at this answer but goes on to Ellen and asks was her first week what she expected. She admits to some surprises, including the fact that she said she likes bananas. Randy says that it’s make it or break it time. Ryan asks Kara how her home life is after last night’s show, continuing to beat that dead horse named Casey James, and she says that they’re working it out. Actually, her husband is in the audience.
“American Boy” is the group sing. I had blessedly forgotten that there would be a group sing every week until the end of May. Christ on a cracker. So we see Lilly in a long red towel dress, Haeley in Nile green with gold embellishments at the top, Siobhan wearing the biggest necklace I’ve ever seen—I think of a scarab—Janell looking comparatively normal, Katelyn wearing a denim jumper and more necklaces, Paige in black sequins. Crystal looking very drab in jeans and a brown shirt, Lacey in black and white stripes with gold, Ashley in bright blue with fishnets (!!) and ugly hair, Katie wearing more flouncy little-girl skirts, Michelle looking cute with a little vest, and Didi looking like the Brooke White hippie she is. The boys all look normal … except Lee, who’s wearing a multi-colored argyle sweater. And Todrick, who has a fox’s tail attached to his jeans somehow. Casey is especially wooden on stage—perhaps scared of Kara’s husband?—while most of the others manage to look reasonably alive.
Okay, Ryan’s starting on the girls first. He asks the back row to stand up. Siobhan and her scarab stand up, and she’s safe. Haeley is next. She’s got a huge silk rose in her hair. Didn’t she have that Tuesday? Anyway, she’s safe. Michelle is safe, Katelyn is safe, and Katelyn’s mom looks just like Helen Hunt. Weird!
Katie and Janell are left, and one of them will be leaving. Ryan toys with them for a while and then asks Randy his opinion. Randy has no idea. But it’s Janell. Wow. I would’ve thought her looks would get her through for some weeks. Janell is very classy about everything and then sings “What About Love” again. Much better this time around, I must say.
Allison Iraheta is going to perform “Scars” for us now. Still with the cherry-colored hair and wearing a black dress with a huge trash bag attached to the back of it, and she’s borrowed Adam Lambert’s nail polish. Her emphatic hand gestures are very off-putting to me, but she sounds better than I remember her doing last season. Then there are more gestures at the end of the song, and it’s just getting very weird. One of my girlfriends texted me and asked if Allison was drunk. I mean, it’s not likely, but I wouldn’t rule it out completely.
Boring drivel about how Allison can’t string two words together, and then she screams at the girls for a while, and mercifully Ryan doesn’t prolong the agony but sends her to the audience to watch the rest of the show. Wow. Let’s not do that again.
Back to the girls! Paige is safe. And then Ryan goes to Lacey, and I’m confused all of the sudden, because Lacey is leaving us tonight, as far as I’m concerned. But no! What’s this? She’s safe! And I’m at a loss, because now who will be leaving? Lilly is safe, Crystal is safe. Duh. Oh, it’s gotta be Ashley. She and Didi are left. Ryan gets both of them up at center stage and goes over their performances, and then lets Ashley go. She gets weird and twitchy in her final interview and then does her Leona Lewis song poorly and leaves.
Now Ryan shows us a video that I really didn’t need to see of Tyler at rehearsal wearing boots and his bathrobe. Yuck. Okay, let’s have some results. Mike is safe, John is safe for another week but he’s on thin ice, Aaron is safe. Todrick, despite Ryan messing with him, is safe, so it’s between Tim and Joe. It had better not be Joe. Ryan asks Kara about it, and she doesn’t say much, but Tim is safe. Joe looks resigned but Tim looks absolutely floored—he really can’t believe it. Joe sings his little song and has great energy and a wonderful attitude. You know, Idol, you really suck. Joe got absolutely no exposure at all during Hollywood Week, and even though he did a fantastic job last night, he got effed because no one knew who he was. Nice.
Ryan announces April 21 will be “Idol Gives Back” and then introduces Kris Allen, who won Idol last season, in case anyone doesn’t remember that (!!). And Kris will be performing, and his performance will be available via iTunes, and all the proceeds will go to benefit Haiti.
He sings “Let It Be” in that almost flat, breathy, yelpy way he has. I do like the last part because he gets more emotionally involved in the song and starts to make it more original and I almost think he’s going to cry after he’s finished. Yeah, that was nice.
One more guy has to go! I’m guessing Jermaine, because I predicted that after he murdered “Get Here.” After another reference to Kara’s mad crush on him that elicits eye rolls, Casey is safe. Ryan screws with me again and says that Jermaine is safe. Sigh. Lee is safe, Andrew is safe. So that leaves Tyler and Alex. They both look miserable as Ryan brings them to the middle of the stage. Ryan asks Simon his opinion: Simon says it’s Tyler leaving, based on vocals. And he’s right—Tyler is leaving us. Thank you. If it couldn’t have been Jermaine, I’m glad it was Tyler. And then Tyler acts like a boob by complaining that he didn’t get constructive criticism in Hollywood, and when he did get it, it was too late. Shut up, Tyler. Go home and masturbate to your Jim Morrison posters on the ceiling. And you, Jermaine, totally stole a spot from Joe, and you don’t deserve it.
Well, we’re down to 20 anyway, and I’m cross as hell. Lacey and Jermaine should have gone home, and Joe should’ve stayed.
by 
