This is Not My Year
by Mordant Monkey
Tonight we’re in Dallas, which is, I assume, the home of Kelly Clarkson, as well as Renaldo “I Am Your Brother” Lapuz. So this should be good. Ryan is on the roof (what is it with roofs this season?). And this … is American Idol!
A “herd” of 11,000 hopefuls show up to the Dallas Cowboys’ stadium. And the Dallas Cowboys’ cheerleaders are there. Nice! “This is my favorite day ever at work!” announces Ryan.
Since Richard Simmons and Clint Eastwood weren’t available to guest judge (WTH?), we’re saddled with Neil Patrick Harris. Who is adorable. And he can sing and dance! Well, I didn’t know that. He’s here to shatter people’s hopes and dreams. Awesome.
A complete jackass of a woman named Julie Kevelighan is singing “Lady Marmalade” opera-style, but this was some years ago. But she’s back this year, wearing a sign that says “This is My Year.” At least she spelled everything correctly. Ryan remembers her and remembers that the judges didn’t like her. Not a good sign.
She’s going to sing “Black Velvet” by Alanna Miles. And, of course, sucks. Neil rips her a new one, Simon chimes in. She starts singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and then “Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About.” Simon says she missed out a word on her sign: Not. She’s still singing when security escorts her out. Ryan commiserates with her about breath control. More shots of Julie singing as she walks out. Thinking of the talented people we won’t get to see because of all of the time that was wasted on this creep really bugs me.
Lloyd “Big Sexy” Thomas, 29, of Dallas, TX, is a dockworker for an airline. He shows us a picture of his daughters. Sigh. There’s an extensive backstory here, so he must be good. “Overjoyed” by Stevie Wonder is nice and mellow. Neil looks bored, but Kara looks rapt. “This guy is working the docks,” notes Kara. How succinct, Kara. Simon says it’s his favorite audition of the day. Wow! He gets four yeses and is through.
Neil and Simon apparently disagreed on just about everyone, and there’s some snippiness between them.
Kimberly Carver, 26, of Denton, TX, is singing an original song for the judges, which rarely bodes well. But I like her, even though she’s a bit shouty. Randy loves her. Simon hates her. Neil disagrees with Simon. Simon is edged out, so Kimberly is in.
Sigh. Another freak telling us that the show is over, because he IS the next … pause … American Idol. Great, he can’t even remember what show he’s going to be winning. Terrible fauxhawk, desperate mannerisms, nauseating lisp, and he keeps winking like he’s got a tic.
Dexter Ward, 20, of Terrell, TX, is singing “If I Ever Fall in Love Again.” Badly. The song is screaming for mercy, the judges are horrified. I can’t even recognize this song, that’s how bad this is. The judges try to break it to Dexter that singing just isn’t his thing. I’m so glad we’ve wasted yet more time on this kind of crap.
Montage of crying people, sobbing people. People hugging sobbing people.
Break time! Neil checks in with Ryan. “I’ve been surprised by the talent,” Neil says.
Erica Rhodes, 23, of Irving, TX, looks promising. She used to be an actress of Barney. She’s as cute as a button. And then she turns into a crazy person—she walks into the audition room dressed in black vinyl and massive high-heeled boots and carrying a whip. Spiffy. Simon asks her about her past life as a dinosaur, and so then she sings the Barney theme song and I want to kill myself. But her voice is passable. Thank goodness Randy was singing harmony.
“Free Your Mind” by En Vogue, and now I see the need for the whip. Okay. Simon starts in on her. “You’ve definitely made an impression here, Erica. What’s the big dream here? I know what mine is,” he laughs. She says she wants people to know that Barney kids grow up. Give me a break. Like, who cares? She’s through with no problems.
Here’s a contestant that has had the odds stacked against him. He has Tourrette’s syndrome. Interesting! Imagine what he could say to Simon under that guise. Dave Pittman, 27, of Mountain Home, AR, is going to sing “Bring It on Home to Me” by Sam Cooke. He said his singing is not affected by the Turret’s, which is another interesting fact that I did not know.
He rocks it absolutely. Neil likes his voice and then asks him if he has Tourrette’s. I didn’t think it was very obvious, but having played a doctor on TV, Neil must have knowledge other people don’t. Anyway, the judges really like him and Dave is through.
Fifteen people made it through on Day One. And next up: A Jonas brother on Day Two. Really? One day is just too short for Neil Patrick Harris.
We learn about Joe Jonas and then meet Todrick Hall, 24, of Arlington, TX. Todrick was with Fantasia in “The Color Purple” and is singing an original song for the judges. Nice voice, and the song is funnier than hell. I like this guy a lot, he has a great sense of humor and charisma. Simon isn’t jumping out of his chair about the voice, but the other three judges like him, and he gets four yeses. He does a pretty spry backflip, too.
Dawntoya Thomason, 27, of Dallas, TX, gets through with four yeses, and so do a few more people we don’t get to hear because we spent so much time on that first freakshow. Stephanie Daulong, 20, of Austin, TX, is through with four yeses as well.
Maegan Wright, 20, from Richardson, TX, has divorced parents. And she’s here with her little brother. Um, what’s the story here? Well, I guess that IS the story. Whatever, show. She’s singing “To Make You Feel My Love” and she has a pretty voice. Kara rips her on the outfit, which was puzzling me as well, but everyone loves her voice. Four yeses!
Vanessa Johnston, 22, of Waxahachie, TX, acts and looks like a complete idiot, and I just know we’re going to spend way too much time on her. She shouts “At Last” by Etta James at the judges, and I have to hit the mute button. Honestly. “Vanessa, if anyone ever asked me in my life what my nightmares look and sound like, I’m going to refer to that. That’s what keeps me up at night,” Simon informs her. “Should I sing another one?” Vanessa inquires. Obviously she doesn’t get it. Can we just get away from her?
More idiots, and Ryan building a case about how awesome Simon is for putting up with them. I agree.
Christian Spears, 16, of Houston, TX, was diagnosed with leukemia when she was four, and she is the last audition of the day. Thank god. “All I Can Do is Cry” by Etta James is impressive and she is composed. The judges absolutely love her, and she’s through with four yeses.
A total of 31 Golden Ticket winners from Dallas, not that we saw more than a few. Next week: Denver, CO, where the altitude brings out the tension, Ryan warns us.
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