I Love You, You Love Me
by Paulette Frank
While Randy and Simon would love to have Richard Simmons or Clint Eastwood as guest judges, I’m happy they went with Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris IS Barney as far as I’m concerned, and Doogie is a distant memory that need not be mentioned). He had lofty goals as a judge, though, which he told Kara about before things got started. “My goal today, Kara, is to shatter the dreams of thousands. If I can make two, three dozen people cry, I’ll feel like I’ve done my job.”
Neil proved his judicial worth on the very first Dallas contestant, 28-year-old Julie Kevelighan, who’d auditioned for AI in Dallas back in season 1 (as did Kelly Clarkson) and failed miserably. This time, though, it’s her year. I know because that’s what it said on her sign (along with her name and the year), which she held up in front of herself to make it look like she was naked behind it. But she wasn’t (surprise, surprise!!!). She had on a strapless, sequined, turquoise number that went great with her eye shadow. “Oh, my,” said Neil when she walked in. “Sparkle.” Julie half sang, half spoke “Black Velvet”, and when Randy asked what Neil thought, he first criticized her sign-making ability (which was about on par with her singing ability), then moved on to her vocals. “Yeah, it wasn’t a strong … that was not good. Not good.” Simon thought the word ‘not’ was missing from her sign, which she took as a cue to burst into “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.” And then “Something To Talk About”. But the judges for some reason didn’t change their minds, and she was escorted out (sans handcuffs, though).
So they’re looking for Texas-sized talent, and Ryan says the next guy has a leg up. ‘Cause he’s fat. You know. Texas-sized? But Lloyd Thomas got the home visit treatment (and the work treatment—he’s a dock worker), so the self-described homegrown homeboy will probably be good. And he was. He did a Stevie Wonder song, “Overjoyed”, while Neil gazed at him and Kara prepared something deep to say. “What I love about this show, Lloyd, is here you are, you’re a DOCK worker, and you have that voice. I mean, come on, this guy’s working the docks with that voice!” Yeah, it’s sounds kinda offensive, but Lloyd agreed. “This guy is working the … That’s what I’m sayin’!” Neil thought he had a wonderful voice but wanted him to be flashier (I think maybe he thought Lloyd should’ve suited up?), Randy liked his vibe, his positivity, and Simon thought it was the best audition they’d had all day. “Get outta here, Simon,” said Lloyd. “You better leave right now.” Four yeses (a billion percent from Randy, just a hundred from Kara). He’s the first guy to get through.
So apparently Neil and Simon have some differing opinions about various contestants—we got to hear the disagreements but not the contestants in question. Not until Kimberly Carver, that is. She sang an original, some kind of jazzy (she was snapping the whole time) tune that showcased a big, jazzy voice. “Wow,” said Neil. Randy thought she could really blow, but Simon didn’t see anything current about her, and that was his issue. Neil disagreed. Randy disagreed. It was three yeses (oh, and Kara liked her, too) and one no. “Simon hated me!” Kimberly told her crowd and Ryan outside. She was very thankful for Neil Patrick Harris, though, and said she needed to go back and watch “Doogie Howser”. To hell with Doogie, Kimberly!! Watch Barney!!!!
Next up was 20-year-old Dexter Ward, who was lying when he told the local media that he was going to be “the next America’s Idol”. They let him sing, or whatever it was, for a long time, but when he was done, it was four nos. He cried outside. Then we got to see a whole bunch of other people crying.
But then we got to see 23-year-old Erica Rhodes, who wanted to distance herself from the persona that she’d had when she was on “Barney and Friends” (the show with the purple dinosaur). So she auditioned in a dominatrix outfit. With a whip (well, it wouldn’t be complete without it, would it?). When she walked in, Simon looked at his piece of paper and said, “So it says here you used to be a dinosaur or something?” She laughed and said she used to be on “Barney and Friends”. “I knew I recognized you,” said Neil. Randy wanted to hear her sing the Barney song in that outfit (okay, Randy, TMI) and she obliged. She sang sweetly and prettily, giving Neil the creeps, but then switched gears to do En Vogue’s “Free Your Mind”, using the whip for emphasis. And she was good. Simon wanted to know what her big dream was (“I know what mine is,” he said—WAY, way TMI), and apparently, it’s to let people know that Barney kids grow up. “To be dirty little girls,” said Neil. But it’s four yeses.
Next up is Dave Pittman, a 27-year-old Arkansian (Arkansasian? Arkanian? Whatever … he’s from Arkansas) with Tourette’s, which apparently can come in a form other than just blurting out curse words at random, inappropriate times. He blinks a lot and clears his throat a lot, but Tourette’s doesn’t affect him when he’s singing. He sang “Bring It On Home” by Sam Cooke, everyone loved him, and after a montage of golden ticketry, day one was done. And so was Neil Patrick Harris. Damn!!
So Day Two Judge was Joe Jonas of The Jonas Brothers, and he was happy to be in Dallas. “This is actually our hometown,” he said from his limo, “so to see future stars hopefully coming out of Dallas is always exciting for us.” The other Brothers weren’t there with him, I don’t think, but I guess he doesn’t have much occasion to use the words ‘I’ or ‘me’ or whatever.
First up on Day Two was Todrick Hall, who was with Fantasia in “The Color Purple”. He sang an original song, and it was upbeat and kinda cool, and it was all about his audition, telling about how he took a train to claim his fifteen minutes of fame and to see Kara all decked and dressed and Simon looking all unimpressed, and Randy sitting there like a bump on a log … “Tell me what I gotta do to be your dawg?” But he left out poor Joe. Aww. But though Joe was stony-faced during the audition, he didn’t hold a grudge, and he told Todrick he thought he had “star power”. Randy thought he was one of the best of Season 9, and Simon thought he was a nice guy and it was a cutesy audition, but he wasn’t going to jump out of his chair. But it was still four yeses.
27-year-old Dawntoya Thompson made it through with her rendition of “Blue”, which kicked off a montage of yeses. When it got finished, we got to hear from 20-year-old Maegan Wright, who got the mini-bio treatment (family photo and waiting room interview). Her parents were divorced five years ago and now she and her little brother lean on each other for support. She wore little white shorts and some kind of blue tank top with the words “Break The Rules” in what looked like hand-painted white letters on the front. She pranced into the audition room, saying “Hi, hi, hi!!!” She sang “To Make You Feel My Love” and her voice was soulful and sweet and full, and when she finished, Kara confessed, “I mean, you really confused me, from walking in with that outfit—I really thought this was going to be a joke, and then you opened your mouth like that and you have a great voice. I mean, a REALLY beautiful voice, very moving.” Simon disagreed with Kara (“Gee, imagine!” said Kara) about the outfit. He liked that she didn’t try too hard—he liked the surprise element. Four yeses.
The next girl, Vanessa Johnston, looked just like Boobflex girl from the Chicago auditions, just not as big. Just as much energy, though. She wanted her optimism to come through the TV, so other people might see her and decide that they, too, should be happy all the time. She wore hot pink leggings that ended just below her knees, hot pink running shorts, hot pink wrist sweatbands (pulled up almost to her elbows), some kind of zigzaggy, skin-tight sleeveless top (with black, purple, and hot pink zigzags), and a hot pink flower in her hair. When Kara asked her what her favorite color was, she said, “Pink!!”, although she really likes teal, too. She announced to the judges that she was going to sing “At Last”, although it appeared she knew only the first few lines, because when she was done with those, she repeated ‘em. She was loud, and off-key, and she made Joe laugh a little, and when it was over, Simon announced, “If anyone ever asks me in my life what my nightmares look and sound like, I’m going to refer to that.” She offered to sing something else, but the judges declined. But Kara will definitely remember her, and Vanessa is excited. Even better news from Simon. It’s four nos. “Yay!!”
So after Vanessa, there was a montage of mediocrity designed to show the audience how difficult Simon has it (at least he’s not a DOCK worker!!), but when it was over, Ryan wondered whether 16-year-old Christian Spear would be one of those “special” people they find once in a while that makes it all worthwhile.
Well, she got the home visit, and she’s the last contestant of the day, which means (“Pants On The Ground” guy is the exception that proves the rule) yeah, she’s going to be special (okay, POTG guy ended up being kinda special, too, but in a different way). She was diagnosed with leukemia at age 4, but after going into remission at age 8, she’s now an 8-year survivor. She told the judges she was going to be singing “All I Can Do Is Cry” by Etta James (who isn’t a one-hit wonder after all!!), and though she seemed a bit out of breath as she sang (not to be confused with breathy—she may just have been kinda nervous), her voice was strong and clear. Randy was so, so impressed (especially since she’s 16!!!), Joe thought she was very confident and had a beautiful voice, and Kara thought she had a big natural gift, and she didn’t sense any fear in her, which she said is really rare in a 16-year-old (seriously, when are they going to get over the fact that 16-year-olds can interact with the world just like real people??). Simon thought she was incredibly brave (because … I don’t know … I think maybe she’d just come from hand-to-hand combat with a ninja or something?) and he liked her. A lot. So it was “a billion percent yes” from Randy, a “definitely yes” (with a thumbs-up) from Joe, an “absolutely yes” from Kara, which paved the way for Simon to give his “it’s a full house”/wink combo, which always feels a little creepy (although I think maybe he’s going for sexy … or something).
Christian was golden ticket #17 on day 2, #31 altogether, and next week, AI moves on to Denver, where Posh Spice will return as guest judge. Since nobody asked her last time, perhaps this time I’ll find out just what in the hell “really, really, really wanna zigazig ha” means.
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